Tuesday, August 31, 2004

Quote Of The Week

I'm making Tuesdays the day for a quote of the week, so tune in every Tuesday for something totally useless that was pleasant to my ears in one way or another. This week's comes from 50 First Dates which I had already seen, but was forced into watching again during my fighting-off-vomit-because-of-three-days-of-overdoing-it flight home from Chicago.

"Sharks are like dogs man. They only bite you if you touch their private parts."
- Ula (Rob Schneider)

Monday, August 30, 2004

Mary Had A Little Cliff

This is a place called Mary's Hole (I'm sure that's not the official name, but that is what everyone called it). It is in Troy, NY. Back when I was younger and slightly more retarded we used to do cliff jumping here when we needed a fix of adrenaline. We would jump from two different points. Neither was very safe. My parents used to get really pissed if they found out we had gone there, but it was too fun to stop.

Man, we were stupid ... but I would certainly do it again. Live and (don't) learn I always say.

By the way, this is my first picture posting. Prepare for overdose of this luxury.

Sporting Fool

Q: Who's destined to be the Asshole of the Year?
A: Cornelius Horan

Who messes with an Olympic athlete ... especially an athlete who has already run 23 miles and is skinny as hell to begin with? Cornelius Horan does. It's the fucking Olympics! The only place/event that you can ignore cultural/racial/political/religious differences. Messing with someone in the Olympics who has been in training for years, especially for a religious reason makes you a major asshole. Why not mess with a boxer or freestyle wrestler so you could have had your ass beaten like you deserve? For your next stunt (which I'm sure will come soon thanks to your skimpy penalty) try running out on the field during the javelin so you can get skewered or perhaps out on the shooting range. That way you would get your message out to the world and get what you deserve at the same time.

Windy Teaches Lessons

I went to Chicago this weekend. It was my first city to the Windy City. I ate some deep dish pizza and a bunch of hot dogs, saw a Cubs game and most importantly drank entirely too much (mostly Old Style beer). Apparently my old body does not care much of three straight days of drinking and not sleeping enough. Along with this revelation, I have also confirmed that the NYC smoking ban has turned my lungs more sensitive than ever. After hanging out for hours in the Chicago bars in the evening I would wake up in the morning and would feel as though I had been sitting around with my lips clamped on a tailpipe of a 1977 Plymouth Volare wagon. Mmmm carbon monoxide ...

Wednesday, August 25, 2004

Plane Talk

Sometimes I like to send out breaking news or stupid news I see on the internet or "wire" to my friends via e-mail as to keep them informed. After reading about the Russian planes which went down yesterday, I remembered about a bit of inappropriate humor I had on file from years ago. Well, plane crashes are nothing to laugh about (especially since I am flying tomorrow), but I figure if you can laugh at death you can laugh at anything. So, if my plane crashes tomorrow feel free to laugh. Anyway, after Air France's Concorde went down in a ball of flame back in 2000, I sent an e-mail to my friends letting them know. I don't remember what I had in the subject line (I wish I did), but I guess it was something heartless and inappropriate. In response, my friend Todd whips this back in the ever-popular "reply all" style:

Top 10 subject lines Bill could have used instead:
10. May-day, sil vous plait
9. supersonic becomes super flammable
8. "Uhh, Captain, aren't you going to steer away from that hotel?!"
7. Our biscuits are burnin'!
6. "What do you mean you're having a bad day captain?"
5. 109 was one too many
4. Talk about having money to burn
3. Not your left, my left
2. Today's movie will be Cheech and Chong's "Up in Smoke"
and the number one subject line?
1. That's a roger, Roger. What's your vector, Victor

Grotesque Protest

I'm sick of all of this legal bullshit with people wanting to protest during the Republican National Convention. The city is going to be enough of a mess without protesters, and what are you accomplishing by protesting? You've been protesting since this Iraq situation started, and the war rages on. Most New Yorkers don't care for George Bush. Everyone knows that, even the Republicans in MSG. If you have to protest you don't have to be in Central Park. Most people are going to avoid the MSG area like the plague. Where might they like to go? Central Park. If your stupid protesting asses are in there we'll be surrounded by shitheads. Why not protest somewhere near where the politicians are? Aren't they the ones you want to hear your "message"? I'm guessing they aren't going to hear your stupid hippy voices 40 blocks away. Stay downtown assholes. I have an idea for all of you (protesters and non-protesters alike) -- protest by voting. That is the only way you are even going to come close to making anything change in this strange land ... well, I guess you could go to law school and then start a political career, but we all know that isn't going to happen, and let's be honest; even if it did happen you wouldn't change a thing.

Saturday, August 21, 2004

Otterly Vicious

After I read the recent otter attack story I was doing a little searching on the internet about otters to see what they are all about and found that these otters seem to be pretty damn nuts. Check out these stories and you will start to think twice before you mess with otters:

Crew Boats Fend Off Otter Attack
HANOVER, N.H., April 9, 2004

NEW BEDFORD, Mass., Jan. 1, 2001
Officer Attacked by Rabid Otter

NEW BEDFORD, Mass., Jan. 11, 2001
Boy Recalls Scary Encounter With Rabid Critter

SAVANNAH, Ga., July 26, 2001
Boy Needs 14 Stitches After Otter Attack http://www.savannahnow.com/stories/072601/LOCotter.shtml

Friday, August 20, 2004

See Ya Kat

It is co-worker extraordinaire (and wily blogger) Kat's last day at our company. No stinky new office for her. I say congrats and good luck to her while at the same time cursing her for leaving us for greener pastures. Kat, please accept from me this one final "Kudos".

Get Otter My Way

The attached article is no laughing matter, but I have to admit that I would have loved to have seen this crazed otter chasing a swimming class. It sounds like a really bad horror movie. The kids I used to teach swimming to were dopey enough that they probably wouldn't have been able to figure out an escape and instead of just a bite, they would have been killed.

I was a lifeguard back in the day ... I can't remember any training for what to do if an otter attacks, but the lifeguards on the scene here seemed to know what to do. Baywatch Putnam has a nice ring to it. Nice work guards!

From the Poughkeepsie Journal (The third oldest newspaper in the USA and The oldest newspaper in New York):
Friday, August 20, 2004
Rabid otter attacks boy in Putnam
Animal killed after chasing swim class

By Nik Bonopartis

PUTNAM VALLEY -- A rabies-infested otter was shot dead by a sheriff's deputy Wednesday after it chased down and bit a Putnam Valley boy at a local swimming spot, the Putnam County Sheriff's Office said.

Six-year-old Ethan Pederson was taking swimming lessons at a community swimming area in a small lake in the town, police said, when he escaped from the water with the otter hanging onto his back and legs.

The lifeguards were able to wrestle the otter off Pederson, but the animal began chasing other people in the immediate area. Police said the otter ran back into the water several times but returned and tried to attack the rest of the people in the swimming class.

Sheriff's deputies were called to the lake about 11:16 a.m. Lifeguards were able to trap the otter under a plastic crate before police arrived, and a deputy killed the animal.

Test positive

The otter was turned over to the Putnam County Department of Health and tested positive for rabies, police said.

With the exception of the ocean-faring sea otter, otters are fresh-water mammals that generally have brown fur and grow to about four feet in length.

The normally nocturnal, semi-aquatic freshwater otters prefer to eat coarse fish, salmonoids and eels, according to the nonprofit group Working For Wildlife. Otters have also been known to hunt birds when the opportunity presents itself, the group said.

Boy doing well

Pederson was treated for a puncture wound to his hand and several scratches on his back, as well as for rabies. Police said they last spoke with Pederson's mother Thursday afternoon and were told the boy is doing well.

Otters infected with rabies are rare but not unheard of, said Steve Capowski, director of environmental health services at the Dutchess County Health Department.

''We haven't had an occurrence of it (in Dutchess), but they're a mammal, and they're capable'' of contracting the disease, he said.

Capowski said people should avoid close contact with wild animals and especially look after their pets to avoid rabies. He recommends having pets vaccinated as well, as they can get exposed and pass the infection on to pet owners.

The sheriff's office called the case unusual for Putnam County but advised local residents to be careful around wildlife in the area as a precaution.

Aggressive behavior by wild or domestic animals should be reported to the sheriff's office by calling 845-225-4399.

Nik Bonopartis can be reached at

Thursday, August 19, 2004

30 Minutes

Sometimes I am amazed at how quickly time can fly. This morning, for instance: My alarm goes off with its usual annoying beeping, I reach off the bed to turn it off and 30 minutes later I wake up with the realization that I don't have enough time to go running as I planned, and if I want to get to work on time I need to get my ass moving. Where did the time go?

Sometimes I will turn off my alarm and say to myself, "Just 5 more minutes." It never winds up being 5 more minutes, but I guess that is expected. This morning, I don't even remember wishing for 5 more minutes or doing anything else except for turning off my alarm, thinking to myself, "SHIT" and then waking up 30 minutes later. Damn that's annoying.

Wednesday, August 18, 2004

Rainbow 6.0

A short time ago someone told me this joke:

Q. What is the hardest thing about rollerblading?
A. Telling your parents you're gay.


Well, prep my parents for a talk and wrap me in a rainbow flag because I have some new skates.

I've actually had them for a couple of weeks now, but if you happen to be in the market for some in-line skates I recommend the K2 XP 6.0. I'm lovin' them (but not in a gay way). Buy yourself a pair and try 'em on your next commute.

Monday, August 16, 2004

Cover Me

Looking for a blast from the past with a twist of newness? Probably not, but whether you are or aren't, you'll be getting some funneled right into your ear canal soon enough:

Marilyn Manson's greatest-hits album, due September 28 will have a cover of Depeche Mode's "Personal Jesus"

Britney Spears' greatest-hits album, due November 16 will have a cover of Bobby Brown's "My Prerogative"


Do you smell something? I think it may be a lawsuit ... or is that just burning flesh? Either way this sucks: http://www.ny1.com/ny/Boroughs/SubTopic/index.html?topicintid=3&subtopicintid=8&contentintid=42448

It's nice to hear that there is another idiot over the age of 25 (like myself) who rides a skateboard. I will learn from her mistake and try to keep my skin off anything metal that Con Edison may have connection to.

I love the girl this happened to. So matter of fact: "I have tattoos, and it's something that I wanted, and that's fine. "But you know, I didn't want Con Edison branded onto my back."

Hey Liz Wallenberg! I'm not a huge fan of lawsuits, but just so you know ... according to year-end 2003 stats, Eugene McGrath, Chairman, Pres, CEO of Consolidated Edison Inc. has his yearly pay listed as $ 2.66M* I think you may be owed something for being a permenant walking billboard and I think they may just have some cash available.

You're welcome.

*Dollar amounts are as of 31-Dec-03 and compensation values are for the last fiscal year ending on that date. "Pay" is salary, bonuses, etc. "Exercised" is the value of options exercised during the fiscal year

Friday, August 13, 2004

Crossing The Border

I found this old e-mail from back in July of 2000 (remember those good ol' days?). It is an e-mail I had sent around as a recap of a little trip to Canada where my friend and I had a run-in at the border. Those Canadians ... it's so love/hate with them.
07/11/2000 04:03 PM
So, as some of you know, this past weekend I went on a little journey to visit our neighbors to the north -- Canada. Yes Canada!! The land where beer flows like water, Glass Tiger rocks the house and the use of kilometers and Celsius for measuring things is "normal".

Anyway, I went on this little journey with two friends from college, Todd and Tom (and a bunch of Tom's family/friends). This little story revolves around myself and Todd trying to get into the world's second largest country.

I'll try to make a long story somewhat short ... Todd and I have a red Chevy S-10 pickup truck freshly rented from Enterprise the day before. We pull up to the border crossing booth to get questioned. I am ready with my answers and various Canadian trivia I have learned over the years (Canadian Bacon is actually an American invention, ice hockey and lacrosse are the national sports, Canada has over 2 million lakes, etc.) We get the traditional questions (my trivia is once again proven to be useless) and seem safe enough. Only in the country for two days, no booze, no firearms, no anything. They guy in the booth hands me a yellow slip of paper and says, "Just take this and go in door number one."

So, I guess they are going to bust balls a bit. We pull into a parking spot, go up to the door and a women meets us, takes our yellow slip and heads for the truck. We have to sit in front of the truck on the curb as she searches the truck.

Todd and I conferenced and both felt pretty secure that we didn't have anything naughty with us, so we relaxed and waited to be sent on our way.

Todd then notices that the searching woman is on the radio talking to someone and she has a little baggy in her hand. "Shit!! What is that?"

I, knowing that Canadians can be sneaky began preparing a defense of them planting something on us.

A car pulls up, guy gets out looks at the baggy, and calls over to us, "Who owns the gray bag?" (Fuck) "That's mine," I respond. He calls me over and gives me the age old question, "What is this?" and shows me the bag.

In it is a golf ball size, blue crystal formation. Drugs? No. It was some rock candy from home which I had forgotten about in the half of a day I was in the car. If you don't know what rock candy is, it is just sugar, water and I guess food coloring boiled into a candy usually served on a stick or string. Apparently the guard wasn't believing my all too simple story.

The guy had me sit back down. He gets out the K9 drug sniffer and sets him to work. Nothing for the dog to find.

We then had to go inside. There we had to strip nude and grab our ankles. Actually I am lying. No strip searching much to my chagrin. We then had to sit and wait while they tested the candy and ran our licenses for criminal arrests and the like.

Finally we were free to go. About an hour and 45 minutes of sitting around while Canada hassled two upstanding young men like ourselves. Can you believe it!?! Soon we were on the road, free of our bonds and rockin' out to some good old Pantera, blazin' across the Canadian countryside. Luckily the rest of our trip rocked or Canada would have been on this kid's shit list for a long time to come. Instead of the shit list, the three Canadians I know have to listen to me bitch out their homeland via e-mail. Sorry, but at least now I feel some closure.

Anyway, I know this was a bit long, but I figured I would share. You three from Canada should give your government a talking to or you may find yourself with miles and Fahrenheit conversions to try to contend with before long.

Yours Truly,
Bill "Hugs are better than drugs (especially at the border)" R******

Thursday, August 12, 2004

Historical Hit

In (not so) exciting news -- I just recorded my one thousandth visitor to this very blog page. I'm sure most were accidental, but nevertheless ...

The prize for being lucky 1,000 goes to somebody under the domain name of wellsfargo.com out of the Central Time Zone at 09:53:03am, using Microsoft WinXP and Internet Internet Explorer 6.0 as their browser. They were referred to me by http://toole.blogspot.com

If you can prove it was you, I have a (yet to be determined) fabulous prize for you commemorating this great visit.

Thank you for your readership.

Olympians Gone Wild

Back when I was a swinging bachelor, I always thought it would be cool to go to the Olympics strictly for the post-event athlete partying. Don't get me wrong, I would still like to go, but now it would strictly as a vacationer/team U-S of A supporter. Back then, beyond the traditional spectator role, I thought it would be cool to hang out in bars waiting for the athletes who haven't been able to party properly for what could be years go nuts. I think one drink + zero body fat = pandemonium. Then, if all went well, some Olympic babe (preferably not a wrestler, weight lifter or hammer thrower), and I would start up some witty conversation and then she would molest me ... but even if that didn't happen, at least drinking with Olympic athletes would have been cool and entertaining I'm sure.

Anyway, according to an article I just read on ESPN.com, it turns out the Olympic athletes do like to get it on (although probably not with my non-medal wearin' ass):

The Olympics are all about numbers and stats.

Welcome to Athens, which is about to become the sex capital of the world.
In Athens, there will be ...

Countries: 199

Officials: 3,000

Athletes: 10,500

Condoms, courtesy of Durex: 130,000

Tubes of lubricant: 30,000

Durex doesn't blush about its contribution.

"As the official supplier of condoms and lubricants, we hope the donation will help athletes improve their achievements between the sheets," says one Durex mouthpiece.

If you ask the athletes and look at the history (previous Games have run short long before the Closing Ceremony), this supply probably won't be enough. In fact, we find the math just plain confusing. The reports from Sydney were that each athlete got 51 cloaks upon arrival at the village, which was far from enough. But maybe Durex expects Greece to be less, umm, exciting -- 130K works out to only 12 condoms per competitor.

(We think someone did some bad division in one newspaper article about Sydney, and that number just appeared everywhere, unchecked. At the start of the Games, there was talk of a supply of 50,000 condoms, which works out to about five per athlete.)

In any case ...

"There's a lot of sex going on," javelin thrower Breaux Greer told Men's Journal. "You get a lot of people who are in shape and, you know, testosterone's up and everybody's attracted to everybody."

Other fun nuggets, courtesy of Men's Journal, which conducted a survey of sorts: Swimmers do it longer; the French do it most often (but only with compatriots).

In Sydney, the Cubans ... well, they ran through their ration faster than any other nation.

"I don't know what they're doing with those things," said one official. "Maybe they're making water balloons. They're lovely, lovely people. They're very friendly."

For sure.

So, will the Athens supply last? Should you start an office pool on the re-supply date?

It might all come down to design.

The first major effort at condom giveaways was at the Barcelona Games in 1992, and it was a huge success. The shields were emblazoned with the colorful Olympic rings, apparently a mood enhancer (or a cool souvenir).

In 1996, Atlanta's organizers pushed five-packs, with one 'prophy' in each official Olympic color.

In 2000, the colors were gold, silver, and bronze.

Apparently, they all went fast. Which either means that style counts, or doesn't count at all.

Shea Dismay

As a lifetime NY Yankee fan, by most people's reasoning I should not and can not like the NY Mets. Well, I have to say that since moving to New York City back in 1996 I have remained a Yankee fan, but going against the rules, I also root for the Mets. If it were Yankees vs. Mets, I would be Yankee fan all the way, but when the Yankees are not involved, I pull for the Mets and their time-tortured fans.

I can't believe the bad luck those Mets have. Only 2 games out of 1st around All-Star break time they are now 10 out. To add insult to injury they now have ... well, injuries and other bullshit that just flatten their hopes. Tom Glavine gets hurt in cab accident, Mike Piazza is out (not that he has been helping much anyway), Kaz Matsui is out, Vance Wilson is out, Shane Spencer is out because of boozing it up and then going for a drive. It seems impossible.

I don't know where I was going with all of this. I guess just that it is just a sad state of affairs out at Shea Stadium. It's annoying, and I am only a part-time fan. I don't know if I could stand it if it were a full-time gig. Get it together Mets! Where is the heart and grit? Be the comeback kids and stop all of this misery!

Monday, August 9, 2004

What's Your Favorite Color?

Friday night I went to see Living Colour at Bowery Ballroom. A couple people had asked me what I had planned for the weekend and when I told them that Living Colour was on the agenda and the reactions ranged from "They are still together?" to the ever-supportive "Why?"

Well, I'll have you know that they are still together, the singer had traded in his yellow, Body Glove wetsuit look (that seems to be the only thing non-fans can remember) for camo pants with T-shirt and probably most importantly they are still fucking good. I'm talking "somebody better vote them into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame" good.

Every member of the band could stand on their own, and do with various side projects, yet they manage to ignore the egos that they could have to make for a good team effort. Singer Corey Glover, Drummer Will Calhoun, Guitarist Vernon Reid and Bassist Doug Wimbish all tear it up musically and make for a good night of entertainment. Vernon Reid is one of the only really talented guitar players who doesn't try to drown out the rest of the band to be the center of attention. He just plays.

Anyway, as opposed to going on and on with my praises I'll just recommend going to see them next time they play. I don't see any upcoming Living Colour shows except for the UK, but there are some opportunities to see some of the guys doing their non-Living Colour thing with other bands if you want to try that out. See http://livingcolour.blogspot.com for all of your LC options, including Vernon Reid appearing at the Williamsburg Music & Arts Festival. in Brooklyn.

Friday, August 6, 2004

Phil for VP

George W. should dump Donald Rumsfeld, Colin Powell, Tom Ridge or maybe even Dick Cheney and try the upcoming election from a slightly different angle. Get some new blood in that Cabinet and the war against terrorism would be over in no time. Get Philip Anselmo a suit to cover up those tattoos and the election and the glory is all yours.

You'd think after spending 10+ years screaming your fucking head off night after night you would run out of anger, but apparently not. I speak of Philip Anselmo (or Phil as I like to call him) of Pantera fame and now the singer of Superjoint Ritual. Did the screaming/cursing/thrashing/head-banging allow him to overcome the anger he feels about the September 11 attacks and the ongoing terrorism issues? Absolutely not. This motherfucker is mad (and not very PC):

In a brand-new pre-Ozzfest interview with Metal Edge magazine, SUPERJOINT RITUAL frontman Philip Anselmo was asked if much of the band's last album, "A Lethal Dose of American Hatred", was a response to the events of September 11, 2001. "Parts of it, for sure," Anselmo replied. "I think we got to do what we got to do, and unless you are making these particular decisions… I mean, yeah, we are a country, we are people who are allowed an opinion. 9/11 was a horrific thing, definitely the lowest point in American history, as far as us taking one on the chops. I cannot help but be sympathetic to families who lost people in that tragedy, on the planes and in the buildings. To every person who is anti-war, I have to point out the importance of us definitely showing a very, very strong front, not looking vulnerable, and also redeeming some of… I mean, Christ, look, we still have the death penalty. That's all I have to say. In a perfect society, none of that would have happened. There would be no 9/11, no executions, Christ, there would be no jails. But I'm just saying, if you fuck with the U.S., no matter what we do, you're going to have to pay at one point or another."

Asked if he happened to see the footage of Nick Berg, an American contractor in Iraq that was executed, Anselmo said, "Oh yeah, that was miserable, man. I mean, they try and whatever, the interrogation pictures are humiliating and whatever, but me? If you want to know where Osama Bin Laden is, or where Saddam Hussein is, or where any of those crazy motherfuckers are, do what you must to get an answer. I know for a fucking fact that every other country, for the most part — especially in the Third World and the Middle Eastern countries — shows a lack of regard when it comes to human life and the value of it. I mean, I'm not saying' Let's lower our standards to their level,' you know?! But we need to restore some order with authority, and if it is war that we have to endure, then so be it, if it's the only language they understand. Because they obviously are not privy to just stopping at our request, 'Knock this shit off, you motherfuckers!' You know, they have been warring since the beginning of time. Don't drag us into your shit. Maybe there's a question of us putting ourselves in there, but if you harbor these terrorists, and you damn well know about it, then you pay the fucking price as well. It's time to make a parking lot — put a flag in the ground and call it the United States of the Middle East. I mean, definitely… Fuck them! I mean, if you know the facts about the al Qaeda, they come across like a bunch of paranoid homosexual fucking Arabs, whatever the hell they are. The way they treat women and their entire attitude towards the subject is homo, man. They fucking just seem gay. I mean, obviously people are great or shallow in one way or the other, it's men and women — but they are not doing themselves any favors by fucking humiliating every woman in sight. That's Hitler-type shit. That's dictator, fucking hatred right there. None of that floats. Nobody puts up with that shit. You're begging to get your ass blown away."

Metaling Kids

Sometimes, at concerts -- especially an all day rock-a-thon -- the crowd can be a better source of entertainment then the bands are. Concerts bring out strange characters who live for crowded events and then you have the regular types who bust out their craziness once the guitars start wailing. I was reading a review of Ozzfest that was in the Seattle Post-Intelligencer on July 29, 2004 and despite not actually having been there, I think this little description of the crowd probably sums up the day like nothing else can:

In one of the more bizarre scenes from a day full of bizarre scenes, a man in a wheelchair actually surfed the roiling mosh pit as Slipknot launched into the buzz-saw tune "Heretic Anthem."

"I thought I'd seen it all but that's some serious (bleep) right there," said Slipknot screamer Corey Taylor.

Wheelchair at an all-day metal show? A wheelchair actually in the mosh pit? I would have loved to have seen that. Sun glimmering off the wheelchair spokes as it, and its metal loving passenger bounces around suspended on the arms and heads of metal fans typically known for their punching, pushing, kicking and other such music driven violence. That is a classic concert moment that if seen can really cause you to do nothing except point, stare and think, "That guy is fucking nuts. Who the hell thought of that and who had the ability to block out any judgment of safety issues as they were boosting him up overhead. Fucking awesome!"

Good for you wheelchair guy. Fuck feeling sorry for yourself and fuck boring-ass wheelchair accessible seating.

Keep on rockin' in the (not so) free world.

Added SeTURDity

With all of this added security going on in New York, my apartment complex has also added some measures to prevent those pesky terrorists from blowing us all up.

There are several small, one-way roadways (referred to as "Loops") that go from a main street that surrounds the complex, and in semi-circle layout, exit back onto the same surrounding street about two blocks from where you started.

The added security entails a couple of flimsy metal barricades (the type used to control crowds at parades and in Times Square on New Year's Eve), and usually two guys stationed at the entrance to these loops. When a car pulls up, they check to see if the person actually lives in the complex before letting them in. I appreciate the effort and I suppose it gives people a little bit more of a secure feeling when they are coming home and they see that terrorists plots are being hindered, but there is one issue I have to laugh at. The other end of the loop -- the exit side -- is unattended. Does security think that a van of terrorists who are prepared to blow themselves up for some looney cause are going to give a shit about following the posted street signs?

Terrorist 1: "Ooooh, there is a roadway, pull in front of that apartment building."
Terrorist 2: "I can't pull in there. There are 'One Way' and 'Do Not Enter' signs. We're going to have to go down two blocks to the entrance."
Terrorist 1: "Shit. There are barricades and security guards at the entrance."
Terrorist 2: "I don't want any trouble. Let's go get a sandwich from that deli and eat it down in the park."

Even if they do want to follow the rules of the road, I have the feeling they have full capability to shoot or run over the security guards and then ram through the barricades. Then it is van exploding fun for all.

I feel safe.

Tuesday, August 3, 2004

Pleased To Meat You

Many posts ago I included a link to a story about Cris Kirkwood of Meat Puppets fame. It appears that he is still quite a mess. There is no mention of heroin in this story, but I'm sure this bout of trouble didn't all go down in a fury of sobriety:

From 1010 WINS:
Aug 3, 3:56 PM EDT
Meat Puppets Bassist Gets 21 Months

MESA, Ariz. (AP) -- Cris Kirkwood, former bass player for the Meat Puppets rock band, has been sentenced to 21 months in prison for attacking a security guard with a baton outside a post office.

Kirkwood, 43, pleaded guilty May 10 to a charge of assault with a dangerous weapon.

He was shot during the Dec. 26 incident at the post office in downtown Phoenix and authorities said he was on probation at the time for a 2000 drug offense.

According to the criminal complaint filed in U.S. District Court, Kirkwood was arguing with a woman about a parking space outside the post office when she approached security guard Thomas Goodrum.

Kirkwood yelled profanities at Goodrum, then shoved the security guard.

In the ensuing scuffle, Kirkwood managed to get Goodrum's collapsible baton away from him and hit him on the head, knocking off the guard's eyeglasses. Goodrum then pulled his handgun and fired a shot into Kirkwood's back, the complaint states.

Kirkwood and his brother, Curt, fronted the Meat Puppets, a Phoenix-area band that had several hit records in the 1980s and '90s. They were cited as an influence for bands such as Nirvana and earned a gold record in 1994 for "Too High to Die."

Move One To The Negative List

So much for the 5th bullet point on my list of positive reasons for a move to J.C. It seems as though the terrorists DO have their eye on Jersey. Right now it is just Newark, but you know they will eventually figure out that J.C. is the place to be.

I have one suggestion for you terrorists ... try targeting some shit other than the East Coast. I'd rather you not target any of the U.S. or anywhere else for that matter, but you could at least give the Northeast a fucking break?