You Gotta Belize

I'm gonna be a non-blogger for a couple of weeks, for I am off to Belize for some much needed vacation. I doubt I will be near a computer and if I do stumble upon one I probably won't be down with sitting in front of it. On a non-vacation note, but perhaps something that will be enjoyable to think about while I am gone, I leave you with this:

Near my work is this nice chunk of green, green grass. Despite never being any dogs around, there is a "keep dogs off" sign on it makes me laugh every time I walk by.

Partly because bodily functions are funny to me (even when a dog is involved), but more so because of the expression on the dog's face. Man that fucker is pushing that turd out with some conviction! "Come on little buddy, you can do it! Pushhh ... "


Talk to you when I return.

A.P., if you are reading this -- let's stop fucking around. Dinner when I return!

At Last, Some Sense in the Entertainment World

Way to go Fox! Thanks for renewing Arrested Development.

In a world where Two and Half Men is in the top ten most viewed television shows and Monster-In-Law is at the top of the movie heap you have made things seem a bit more sane. Another year of AD = another year of me laughing my ass off every Sunday night and then enjoying a slow trickle of laughing throughout the week as I reminisce about the genius.

So Breezy

I got a nice chuckle from a search someone did today to wind up here: men wearing mesh speedos.

Pass the Needle

I don't know how many times I've been told by the ladies that I know that my penis looks its best when I inject my penis with paraffin, lubricant gel or everybody's favorite, olive oil. Deformities? That's crazy talk!

http://news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/nm/20050513/od_uk_nm/oukoe_life_thailand_penis_1

Size-obsessed Thai Men Warned on Penis Injections

Fri May 13, 4:28 AM ET
BANGKOK (Reuters) - Thailand's health ministry warned size-obsessed men on Friday to avoid trying to enlarge their penises with liquid injections, saying it could cause deformities.

The warning followed media reports that male teenagers in central Thailand had rushed to have their penises injected with olive oil or other liquids.

"Injecting olive oil or any liquid into penises is extremely risky," Chatri Banchuin, chief of the Department of Medical Services, said after his office issued the public warning.

"By the time they know what actually happened, it is too late," he told Reuters.

The practice of injecting liquids -- everything from paraffin to lubricant gel -- has gone on for decades, surgeons say, but their patients are getting younger.

"More and more patients are school age boys, not men in their 30s or 40s like in the past," said urologist Wachira Kochawkarn of Bangkok's Ramathibodi Hospital.

"At my hospital alone, I treat one or two patients a day who have such problems. Imagine the total number across the country?"

The public health warning issued earlier week urged men to be happy with their natural size.

"Sex satisfaction does not depend on penis size, but it involves love and mutual understanding," the ministry said.

Can't We Stop the Madness?

Please America. I'm begging you. Don't do what you are going to do. Think about it, please.

Please do not go to see that inevitable piece of crap Monster-In-Law. I can't stomach the idea of this becoming the "Number One Comedy in America" at all. Can't we just let J.Lo. fall on her face like she deserves for once? And come on! Jane Fonda?

Nobody needs this.

Need For Speed

I just got back from running (this is in an attempt to get my old, fat ass back into shape). If you are one who runs, be it for exercise, escaping the law or trying to catch the crosstown bus, you should go here, where if you scroll down a bit can download Mixmaster Mike's "Board Burner" for F-R-E-E (and legally too). Plop that sucker into your iPod, mp3 player, compact disc or portable record player and head outdoors. Get that tune playing in your music maker of choice, wait about 15 seconds to get a handle on the beat and begin running. Guaranteed you will feel like you are in a sneaker commercial.

Plus, you'll feel fast ...

Crisis Averted

No, I'm not talking about the little plane that threatened the White House today. I'm talking about a crisis of beer getting too warm, too fast. Well, our friends to the north have just what the world needs as summer approaches. I just hope we can sneak that technology over the border without being caught.

By the way Labatt bottlers and canners, this cool idea (Oh, yes, that's a pun) does not excuse you from the fact that your bottles are shipped to the US of A at an 11.5oz. size instead of the usual 12oz. Every six-pack we get gypped out of half a beer. Thanks for the beer staying cooler longer idea, but I want my 6 ounces back!

Labatt Blue Solves Canada's Beer Warming Crisis

Specially-engineered can keeps beer crisp, cold and refreshing for longer

TORONTO, May 10 /CNW/ - As the days get longer and the temperature rises, Canadians look forward to sipping cold ones on their cottage docks, camping or backyard decks. Unfortunately, beer warms up more quickly during these typical summer beer occasions.

To the rescue with The Labatt Blue Cold One: an innovative can that, once chilled, keeps beer colder longer. Labatt Blue cans are wrapped with a thin, insulating layer developed by DuPont. This wrap protects beer from heat transferred from warm hands, condensation and the outside temperature -- the top three factors that cause beer to become warm.

"Our research confirmed that one of the top complaints of beer drinkers is that their beer gets warm too fast. It's just common sense for us to develop The Labatt Blue Cold One, a special can that helps keep beer colder for longer," says Bob Chant, Director, Corporate Affairs, Labatt Breweries of Canada. "The Labatt Blue Cold One was developed at the Labatt centre for innovation, in Labatt Blue's hometown, London, Ontario, one of four global centres of excellence for research and development around the globe."

The specially-engineered wrap on Labatt Blue cans called "Cool2Go" was invented by DuPont, a global leader in science-based, innovative materials. The Cool2Go wrap is made by placing a high tech, polymer insulation between two layers of Melinex film. This patented process results in a thin thermal barrier that keeps beer colder longer. The added layer of insulation also makes Labatt Blue Cold One cans more comfortable to hold.

"The application of this technology to beer cans is a first in the world," says Susan Procaccini, DuPont Packaging Solutions. "DuPont's Cool2Go Wrap is the ideal way to keep beer colder, longer. It's essentially a high tech label -- a thin thermal barrier that insulates each can of Labatt Blue, sealing the cold inside."

The Labatt Blue Cold One cans are available now while supplies last in Ontario at The Beer Store ($14.95 for a six-pack of 473 ml cans) and it will also be available at select bars, restaurants and patios across the province.

The Labatt Blue Cold One is just the latest in a long history of innovation from Labatt - from the twist-off cap to inventing ice brewing technology - with more to come. It's part of Labatt's commitment to giving beer drinkers more interesting and exciting ways to enjoy beer.

Labatt Blue is the best-selling Canadian beer in the world. Introduced in 1951 as Labatt Pilsener, it was named for the colour of its label by fans of the Winnipeg Blue Bombers football team. Labatt Blue was the first brand in Canada with a twist-off cap and most recently won a gold medal at the prestigious Monde Selection Awards in Brussels, Belgium. Labatt Blue is a well-balanced, fully matured, full flavoured beer with a fruity character and a slightly sweet after taste. Labatt Blue uses specially selected German aromatic hops and has no preservatives.

Founded in London, Ontario in 1847 and the proud brewer of more than 60 quality beer brands, Labatt is Canada's largest brewery.

Crashproof

I was in Patagonia yesterday doing a little shopping. Among other things, I was on the hunt for sunglasses. While browsing, this snobby woman get involved in the small sunglasses case too. We're trying glasses on and she is slowly muscling me off to the side with her snobby attitude and big ass. I decide to wait patiently to the side so I don't have to deal with her. At one point I hear her ask the sales woman, "Will these be good -- you know, survive -- a bike crash?" as if that was her plan. To do list: (1) Buy sunglasses (2) ride bike (3) crash "I love crashing my bike into stationary objects, but the sunglasses I have had in the past just can't handle more than a crash or two."

The sales woman responded, "The glasses are fairly hardy, but I'm not going to guarantee anything along those lines."

Just for the record, she didn't buy anything.

90210 and a Cool Colt

Today is everyone's favorite day to act Mexican -- Cinco de Mayo. The fabulous 5th of May. Tequila, Corona, dumb hats, margaritas, saying "Gracias" instead of "Thank you" when someone hands you a drink, etc. You know, all that shit that Mexicans do.

I was remembering back to Cinco de Mayo during sophomore year in college -- the first Cinco de Mayo I remember celebrating with any dedication. It was a good, drunken time.

The day started with some beers at my apartment. I'm guessing they weren't Mexican beers. Probably some Natural Light or something high-quality like that. Then, my fellow Mexicans-for-a-day and I packed up and headed into downtown Poughkeepsie to Cactus Club. There we took full advantage of the Mexican theming and did who knows what for many an hour. At some point we decided to leave and get something to eat. Someone then pointed out that Beverly Hills 90210 was going to be on soon. As un-Mexican (and pretty gay) as that sounds we decide that would be our plan. We stopped at a convenient store and picked up some sandwiches and beer. My beer of choice for this TV viewing was something I had never seen before. "Why not try it" I told myself. So I did. I wander home with a dinner and a 40oz. bottle of Cool Colt. That's Colt 45 with some sort of peppermint infusion. It was sort of like mixing beer and Scope. Despite the disgusting nature of my beverage, I stuck it out to the last ounce, and went back out on the town with a mind full of 90210 and the sexiest beer breath one can possibly have.

I don't know why I am really sharing this story considering it doesn't really go anywhere. I guess I just wanted to reminisce a bit if that's OK.

Good times that Cinco de Mayo. Good times.

Terrorist Profile ... skates

On my way home from work tonight, I walk into the Exchange Place PATH station as usual. Backpack on, rollerblades in hand, tired look on my face, co-worker at my side. There are a bunch of people standing around sporting green neon mesh vests (construction worker style) that say "HOMELAND SECURITY" on the back. They have clipboards and pens and are observing everyone as they go through the turnstiles. I'm thinking they are doing a count to see how much security is needed or perhaps doing some racial profiling or whatever, but as I walk by, one of the H.S. guys looks at me and says in a low voice to the H.S. woman standing next to him, "Skates" and writes on his clipboard. I ran down the escalator and escaped apprehension.

Free.

At least for one more day.

Yeeeeehaaaaa!

This past Saturday I went to one of my most unfavorite locales in the United States of America. Long Island.

It wasn't as bad as it usually is though, because I went to see the rodeo -- bull riding to be exact. The bull riding was goin' down at stop No. 21 on the Professional Bull Riders' 2005 Built Ford Tough Series. The venue was the Nassau Coliseum in Uniondale, NY. It was my first rodeo experience and I'll have to admit, it was pretty fun. Long Islanders with cowboy hats on. Men trying to sit on the back of 1,000 pounds worth of pissed off animal and stay on for eight seconds. The whole thing was pretty ridiculous.

Here are some photos to feast your peepers on (click for larger view)

No NHL = dirt instead of ice


Intermission. The dirt Zamboni smoothes out the scene


Cowboy about to get dumped


Meg sizin' up her dream of riding in the big time

Some comments/highlights:

• A girl who sat in front of us had a tattoo on her lower back that I initially thought was the Ford logo (there's no way this chick is dating a Chevy driver). As it turns out, it wasn't a Ford logo. It looked like a Ford logo, but instead of "Ford" it said "Tina" I'm not sure which is worse.


• I was expecting a whole lot of country music, but there was very little. As a matter of fact, during the rider introductions there were very un-country selections such as "Enter Sandman" by Metallica, "Beautiful People" by Marilyn Manson and "Du Hast" by Rammstein.


• If you are ever out in the Hempstead, NY area, you might want to contact Jack at Taxi Town Cars, Inc. He has a pretty nice ride, bullshits like a champ (apparently he used to date Gwen Stefani) and gets your destination in one piece.


• I got ID'd when trying to purchase an overpriced beer. I showed the guy my ID and looked at me, looked at the ID, looked at me again and said, "What's your birth date?" I haven't gone through that routine since I was in college. Oh, by the way, in case you don't know, I'm 32-years-old.


• Meg (see photo above) thinks she'd be able to outride me if we could get in on the competition. She thinks her low center of gravity would defeat met, where I think my leg length would give me a bull torso grip advantage. I can't wait for a showdown. (I may cheat by attending some rodeo school)


• We had a brief stop at the rodeo after party at the Marriott across the parking lot. That was a scene. The riders, the crew, cowboy groupies, along with random hotel guests all in one bar makes for some sort of trouble. Unfortunately the LIRR schedule was calling the shots, so we didn't get a full dose of the fun. Next time though I'm in it for the long haul.

Air Out The Banana Hammocks

This summer is looking to be the best ever ... Cape May is finally letting me wear what I want:

N.J. Beach Town Repeals 30-Year Speedo Ban

By JOHN CURRAN, Associated Press Writer
Sat Apr 30, 7:53 PM ET

CAPE MAY, N.J. - Come on in, Speedo wearers, the water's fine: Your skimpy little swimsuits are legal now. For more than 30 years, this quaint little Victorian-themed resort at the southern tip of New Jersey said no to "skintight, formfitting or bikini type" bathing attire on males over the age of 12. For an ocean resort that once required men and women to swim at different times of day, wearing heavy woolen, cover-everything swimsuits, it made sense to modernize.

"It's a beach town, for God's sake," said Police Chief Diane Sorantino.

The town also agreed to lift a rule that stopped bare-chested men from strolling along the beachfront promenade. Not that everyone's cheering. It's often the older guys -- the ones with beer guts, or wrinkly skin, or unsightly tufts of hair -- who wear the tiny swimsuits.

"The people you want to see in the Speedos, you don't," said Maggie Creighton, 19, who works in a downtown lingerie store.

Locals who share the beaches with tourists said that despite the ban, the itsy bitsy suits have been a common sight in summer, even though most surf shops and beachwear retailers here don't sell them.

"A lot of people do come in and say 'Do you carry Speedos?' said Becky Fitzgerald, sales clerk at Della's General Store. "It's the 40- to 50-year-old group who ask. And it's funny, their bodies aren't the shape for Speedos."

The swimsuit ban was enacted in the 1960s in response to complaints about gay men who wore the suits on the beach, according to former mayor Robert Elwell, who writes a Cape May history column for a local newspaper. But the ban was rarely if ever enforced, according to the city, which voted to amend its beach regulations last week.

City Administrator Luciano Corea Jr. said the skimpy swimsuit ban was largely unknown. There was no push to eliminate it, but doing so made sense, he said. "We had no complaints, and we've never issued a summons for it, to my knowledge," said Corea. "Technically, we could've left it on the books. It was never enforced anyway."

Vince Grimm, executive director of GABLES of Cape May County, a gay advocacy organization, said the ban was outdated and holds no particular significance for gays. "We're no different than anyone else. If they (the suits) are in style, we wear them," said Grimm.

Charlotte Beheler, owner of Sports 'n Stuff, which sells Speedos for $25.95, said they're not among her top sellers. She doesn't expect any big boom in sales this summer -- or an explosion of skin on the beaches.

Neither does Speedo, which says the men's brief-style suits make up only 1 percent of the Los Angeles-based company's sales. "I could see that people may buy more, but I don't think it'll be a huge dramatic change," said Speedo marketing manager Lesley Benko. Still, some people will be watching the beaches this year just to see who's wearing what.

"I haven't been to the beach in years, but now I'm thinking I'll go down there this year," said Joann Quinn, of North Cape May. "The beach ought to be interesting this year."

Things Never Turn Out As They Should

You know that woman in Georgia that went missing just days before her wedding? Well, it turns out that she has been found, which is nice, as opposed to the usual conclusion in cases like this -- dead in a ditch somewhere -- but I have to say that I am a little disappointed that she didn't wind up being found in Mexico with some mystery boyfriend. That would have been so much more entertaining, especially since every family member and friend who was interviewed kept saying how in love she was and what a great mom she'd be. Something like this would have been cool:

Friend: "She was so in love with John. She'd never run off like this. She was so in love and really wanted to have a family. She'd be a great mom someday."

CNN: "Actually, we just received reports that she was found in Mexico with an 18-year-old man. Her motel room had a suitcase full of marijuana, an arsenal of weapons, a dead prostitute and signs of heroin use."

Friend: "Well, she was so in love with all that too."

However You Spell It

Just for the record, I prefer my seasoned sausage meat to be spelled B-o-l-o-g-n-a, but that's neither here nor there. The important thing to learn with this bit of news is that there is now legal precedent to throw your bologna (or baloney) sandwich at the deputy of your choice with no legal repercussions*.

* You may want to check with your lawyer before the throwing is performed.

Not Guilty of Assault by Baloney Sandwich

Apr 26, 2005 7:01 am US/Eastern
RIVERHEAD, Long Island -- A 47-year-old Amityville, Long Island man who was in custody has been cleared of assaulting a deputy sheriff with a baloney sandwich. The Suffolk District Attorney says the jury did find Frank Barnett guilty of obstructing governmental administration, a misdemeanor.

The D-A says it happened on April Eighth when Barnett was at the district court in Central Islip for an appearance. During a lunch break he allegedly threw his baloney sandwich at Deputy Robert Etheridge.

During the ensuing scuffle, Etheridge told the jury he suffered a back injury that kept him off the job for a month.

However, after two hours of deliberations yesterday the Suffolk jury convicted Barnett of the misdemeanor obstruction charge, and found him innocent of assault.

Slacking and/or MIA

Man, I haven't posted shit all week. Sorry for those of you who care. Things have happened, I just haven't been very motivated to type up the goings on.

Since my last post I have: gone to a beerfest, spent one of the nicest days of the year feeling hungover on the couch, gone to work, gone to class, presented a little detail on my job in front of my class (which I remarkably enjoyed), purchased plane tickets from NYC to Belize, turned one year older and went to a little company's launch party at Tribeca Rock Club.

Phewwww. Now that you are all up to speed, perhaps we can continue on as originally scheduled.

Eye In The Sky

Saturday afternoon I was heading out for some Central Park time, and up in a tree in my apartment complex is this hawk chowing down on a pigeon (click on images for a larger view). It was pretty cool:







There were some other people checking out the survival of the fittest moment. There were a bunch of entertaining comments from the onlookers. My favorite was between a guy and gal probably in their late 30's:

Guy: Oh shit, check it out.
Gal: Oh my God.
Guy walks a bit closer to the tree for a closer look
Gal: Don't get so close!
Guy: Why? They don't attack people.
Gal: You don't know that.
Guy: I know it's a bird and not a lion, plus it's already eating.

Those New Yorkers sure know their nature.

It's Not Just Tax Day

If this isn't a piece of public relations genius, I don't know what is. And everyone thought it was just tax day! Please celebrate this day with all the fury and pride we can muster. Enjoy celebrating "failure, incompetence, dissatisfaction, disillusionment, mediocrity, frustration, vengeance, cynicism, futility, chaos, apathy, anger, sarcasm, tomfoolery, buffoonery, and jackassery. Indeed, all things that suck":

April 15 Is National That Sucks Day! - When You Can Celebrate Life's Failures

SHAWNEE, Kan., April 4, 2005 -- Life isn't a utopia, it's a sucktopia. History sucks, but history has nothing on the suckable present. People have done and continue to do unspeakable things to one another. For an in-depth review, go to http://www.thatsucks.net and click on Sir Isuck Newton. Learn and understand.

Here are some cosmic constants that suck:

• Life and aging. Rigorous scientific studies have shown that most things in life suck. For starters, 10 out of 10 people die. You will be in the losing group. You will die. Of cancer or heart disease. Or both. It will be a horrible, agonizing death. By the way, have you checked your health insurance premium lately? Gotta be happy with that, or stupid beyond words.
• Love. It usually ends in split ups and divorce. Or stay together bitterness.
• Family. Your family is unquestionably a stunning collection of ill tempered, dimwitted misfits, psychos, and felons. Why do you think you're different?
• Jobs/bosses/coworkers. Your boss is a breathtakingly stupid butthole who takes credit for your best work. And blames you for his/her failures. Your coworkers are professionally inept and socially repugnant.
• Evildoers. Evildoers want to send you to hell wearing gasoline-soaked panties, and not the thong kind. They prefer granny pants cause those hold more gasoline.
• Government. Your government taxes you to death. And lies to you daily.
• You think movies are ok? Books? Service? Your car? Must we go on?

Face it, most things and people are failures. They also suck. People don't soar with the eagles; if they could get off the ground they'd soar with the seagulls. Which means they'd probably sit on a post and soil themselves.

At ThatSucks.net we celebrate failure, incompetence, dissatisfaction, disillusionment, mediocrity, frustration, vengeance, cynicism, futility, chaos, apathy, anger, sarcasm, tomfoolery, buffoonery, and jackassery. Indeed, all things that suck.

Celebrate National That Sucks Day on April 15. Remember tax day? You happy about that? Did you know the Titanic sank on that day? Well now you do.

Got something better to do on April 15? We thought not. Celebrate National That Sucks Day.

Dress 'em Up But You Can't Take 'em Out

Outside my friend Mary's wedding
Loudonville, NY
Saturday, April 9, 2005

Advert Addiction

Last night I am watching a little television before bed and a familiar bass line comes on. I look up to see a Coors Light commercial. The bass continues. It is Mountain Song by Jane's Addiction.

Of all the bands I can think of, I'd never guess Jane's Addiction would let their music be played in a commercial, let alone a beer (a crappy beer at that) commercial. The only thing I can think is that the band was just making true the lyrics: Cash in. Cash in now honey. Cash in now ...

That's Tasty

Mmmmmmmmm, taco grande ...
Seared Ahi Tuna Taco with Avocado Salsa