Happy Halloween!

Finally, Seats in the 100 Section

Today I selected for myself two season ticket seats at MSG for The New York Titans. My first season tickets for anything, so that is sort of exciting. I know it's not Rangers or Knicks season tickets, but it's a start. And to be perfectly honest, I'd prefer tickets to lacrosse over those two shit storms.

There are just four games at the MSG home and the first home game is in January, so if you have any desire share in my purchase, I suggest you be nice to me starting now.

Hombre Loco Del Pollo

Back in the days when my office was located in New York City instead of Jersey City I did a good share of lunching at a place we like to call "Chicken Man" but was really just one of the many halal food carts scattered around my office and the rest of the city. $4 for lamb or chicken (or a combo if feeling crazy) with rice and salad. You can't beat that. Sure there is the chance that you may find a chunk of metal in your food or perhaps shit your pants before you are even through with your meal, but it's still worth it.

Anyway, it seems as though my first choice Chicken Man was the scene of a disagreement that didn't end so well: http://www.nydailynews.com/front/story/466625p-392516c.html

I'm guessing that this is the sort of food purchase transaction Allah would approve of.

Bonds of Habit

Dear Mr. Steinbrenner,

I know you love to sign guys that will probably wind up in the Hall of Fame, put asses in Yankee stadium seats and and make headlines. It might be beyond love with you and possibly more of an addiction in your case. Anyway, no matter what you call it, do me a favor and don't sign Barry Bonds if he becomes up for grabs.

I know you are probably thinking about it this very minute. Maybe taking a shit or watching Seinfeld and just thinking about Bonds hitting balls over Monument Park. Despite his age, cost, drama and alleged bad habits, you're thinking about it. But please, please listen to me here. Bonds is the last thing NY needs.

Thanks,
WJR

Big Enough To Saddle

I was going through my old e-mails today and found this exchange between two ladies I work with:

Hello K. and M.,

I realize that there are already roach traps in the ladies bathroom on the 8th floor. However, a few other females I have spoken with have been seeing the bugs often and there have been multiple roaches in there every day for the last week. The roaches are huge and I am really apprehensive about using the bathroom at all. I was just wondering if there is any further action that can be taken to help stop the roach problem. Thanks alot, and have a great day.

M.L.

response:

Hi M.L.,

They're actually waterbugs and yes I know some are big enough to saddle and ride. I'll speak with the Exterminator about changing the treatment to something stronger. Perhaps they're becoming "immune" to the current pesticide.

K.

I haven't witnessed anything of the sort in the men's room yet, but I think I will buy some spurs and perhaps some sort of firearm just in case.

If It's Good Enough for Magnum It's Good Enough For Me

So, the Yankees are out. The Mets are out. I feel like I have to take sides in the World Series, so I'll be trying my best to be like Magnum.


Go Tigers!

Magnum or no Magnum, the Cardinals are corny as hell.

Save The Children

ATTN Children:

The following acts are no longer permitted during recess: running, jumping, pushing, yelling, hopscotch, swinging, climbing, throwing, skipping, ball playing, getting near others and most importantly, NO having fun and NO taking risks!

Thank you.

Man, I fear for the society of fat, socially retarded pussies the kids of today are going to become. Seriously.

Oh, and a note to Celeste D'Elia: "Near collisions" ... the kids are on foot, not in airplanes. Collisions of little humans under four feet in height aren't often fatal. Maybe you should wrap your kid in bubble wrap, strap a helmet on him and keep him indoors so he never gets any boo-boos.

BARF!

Not it! Mass. Elementary School Bans Tag

ATTLEBORO, Mass. - Tag, you're out! Officials at an elementary school south of Boston have banned kids from playing tag, touch football and any other unsupervised chase game during recess for fear they'll get hurt and hold the school liable.

Recess is "a time when accidents can happen," said Willett Elementary School Principal Gaylene Heppe, who approved the ban.

While there is no districtwide ban on contact sports during recess, local rules have been cropping up. Several school administrators around Attleboro, a city of about 45,000 residents, took aim at dodgeball a few years ago, saying it was exclusionary and dangerous.

Elementary schools in Cheyenne, Wyo., and Spokane, Wash., also recently banned tag during recess. A suburban Charleston, S.C., school outlawed all unsupervised contact sports.

"I think that it's unfortunate that kids' lives are micromanaged and there are social skills they'll never develop on their own," said Debbie Laferriere, who has two children at Willett, about 40 miles south of Boston. "Playing tag is just part of being a kid."

Another Willett parent, Celeste D'Elia, said her son feels safer because of the rule. "I've witnessed enough near collisions," she said.

Take That, Chuck

Call me immature if you will, but this shit kills me:

Food Ideas Without The Headache

I hate to get all supportive of a Martha Stewart endeavor, but I caught a little of Everyday Food tonight. Pretty good.

Quick, easy meals. Like Rachael Ray's 30 Minute Meals only faster and less annoying.

More Room In The Talk Machine

So, I got my wisdom teeth out on Friday. Four teeth out all at once. After everyone telling me all their wisdom teeth horror stories I was expecting the worst, but it never really got to that level. My face was swollen, and I was bloody and sore, but really no legitimate pain. I didn't even take any of my vicodin.

This surgery was my first endeavor into the world of anesthesia. I've never been out cold before other than booze-related out cold. It was pretty cool. One second you are talking to the surgeon about whatever bullshit you talk to a surgeon about and the next second (40 minutes later) you are missing four teeth and are heading out to pay.

I had full intention of requesting my teeth so I could bring them home and get some loot from the Tooth Fairy or at the very least make some cool wisdom tooth earrings or a necklace. During all the filling out of forms, meeting surgeon helpers and answering questions, I totally forgot. Part way through the surgery I remember saying to save my teeth. I still am not sure if I made any sense to anyone other than myself, but I did hear the surgeon tell one of his assistants to give me another shot of sleepy. At the time I didn't even realize I had been out. I thought the whole thing had just started. Hindsight filled me in on my incorrectness. So, to the people working on my mouth, they had a guy quiet and sleepy for what I am guessing to be at least 15 minutes and all of a sudden I this guy is saying, "Make sure you save those for me." If they could understand me, it must have been pretty funny.

Another odd thing I remember from my time in dopey land was music. The music had started before any drugs had been administered. The surgeon told me pre-surgery, "We'll try not to rock out too hard" and I told him I was fully capable of handling whatever rock he sent my way. He had the band Mest on (I had to ask who it was), which was certainly within my rockin' tolerance. The odd part of all this was when I was "out" I specifically remember the line, "Well I'd be better off dead than lying here alone" which isn't the most surgery friendly thing to hear. It also goes "I cut you deep, I stitched you up ... ". Fucking odd. It turns out to be the song "Cursed" which doesn't seem to be about oral surgery, but it could have fooled me at the time.

All in all, it was a job well done. I'm slightly afraid of the final bill, but the surgeon seemed pretty excellent, and I'm more than willing to be a little broke rather than mangled and pained. If anyone needs some mouth fixin' you can let me know and I'll give you my surgeon's info.

A Week In One Post

It's unfortunate that I haven't been blogging lately as I have actually had shit to talk about for once. Well, I'm back now so I'll give you a brief overview so you don't feel lost.

Late last week I got some job news. My company has restructuring plans in motion which involves consolidating all the current U.S. bureaus down to just two. Two bureaus. Two cities. Chicago and Dallas? No. New York and Los Angeles? No. It's going to be Cleveland and Albuquerque. Yup, Cleveland and Albuquerque. As I don't have any big desire to move to either place, I'll be officially out on my ass on April 1, 2007 (if not before). I'm sure there will be much more about this to come.

Monday, my good high school friend, visiting from Massachusetts, came over with his wife and kids for some dinner. I made a pretty kick ass chicken. Whole. Roasted. Garlicky. Delicious. I also got to see my friend's youngest barf on him at least three times. That never gets old. Good times.

Tuesday, I went to the Nokia Theatre to see Trivium. They rocked pretty hard. I felt slightly older than I like to feel, but also slightly more metal than I have in awhile. Here's a video that someone was nice enough to make available for me (and you):


Wednesday, I went to Webster Hall to see Basement Jaxx (yes, that's back-to-back concerts). They were fucking great. I'd say one of the top 10 shows I have ever seen. Maybe even top 5. I didn't feel old at this show, but I did feel very American as I seemed to be in a room filled with Brits. Dancing, drunken Brits. Something you may want to remember just in case it comes up: the opening band called The Double ... how do I put this politely? They sucked. If I had brought a dog to the show it would have howled in agony the whole set. Avoid them. So, Basement Jaxx = thumbs up, The Double = thumbs down. Nobody has been nice enough to post a video of this show yet. In the meantime, here's a Basement Jaxx video. It involves primates, so you know it's good:

*Update* A concert clip has been added. It's a montage, so try to keep up:


Tomorrow is the 13th. Friday the 13th. I'll be heading to an oral surgeon I have never met, lie in a chair, let him fill me with a drug that will render me "out" and dig four teeth out my face. It should be Friday fun at its best (although probably still better than work). Then it is drugs, ice packs, and X-Men movie marathon and liquidy food intake.

I'll report back when (and if) my brain and face recovers.

Lend a Hand For Once

I'm sure you started the year with some sort of resolution to get in shape or curse less or be nicer or volunteer at an orphanage or something equally unachievable.

We're now halfway through October and God knows you haven't accomplished any of those resolutions. As a matter of fact, you probably haven't done much of anything for yourself or anyone else. Now is the time. Here's your chance. My pal Kelly is going to be marathoning her ass around Walt Disney World in the Walt Disney World Marathon soon enough and she's raising money for The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society while she goes.

Help Kelly get to her fund raising goal. Help blood cancer research. Help your own feeling of personal satisfaction and karma! Donate here: click

Go ahead, you'll feel good.

Thanks ET

Last night the news was (of course) filled with Cory Lidle and his plane crash. A bit later in the evening I flip by and pause briefly at Entertainment Tonight. They make a quick mention of the tragedy, but then say something along the lines of: "More on this tragedy and the baseball star involved later, but first a 'Dancing With The Stars' update."

Ah, priorities.

As the Bloodhound Gang likes to say ...

... Hooray for Boobies:

Forget Airbags, Silicone Breasts Will Do
SOFIA (AFP) - A woman in the northern Bulgarian town of Ruse survived a car crash thanks to her silicone breasts which acted as an airbag, a newspaper has reported.

The 24-year-old ran through a red light and crashed her car into another vehicle at a busy crossroad in the middle of town Saturday, the daily Standart said.

"The two cars were crumpled past recognition in the crash but the woman's silicone breasts acted as airbags and saved her life," Standart wrote, citing eyewitness reports.

But survival as well as beauty comes at a price as the woman burst her silicon implants in the crash.

=====
Note to auto makers: Dashboards, walls, steering wheels? Make 'em out of silicon.

Rollin'

It's taken me a bit, but I am finally going to mention the highlight of my weekend. Saturday, thanks to my friend Shane's urging and Subarau piloting I went to Long Island (yuck!) to see something called Suburban Brawl. Sounds awesome, yes? Indeed it was. Suburban Brawl was roller derby. A double header of ladies roller derby to be exact. First up was Wicked Wheelers of the West vs. East End Ladies of Laceration, followed by Manhattan Mayhem vs. Queens of Pain.

It was good shit. Good competition, some aggression, some crashes, great competitor and referee names, some falls into the fans (aka me) ... I guess the word I'm looking for here is entertaining. It was fucking entertaining.

I got me some photos so you can get a wee taste of what it all looks like. I'd recommend that you go see if for yourself though so you can get the full effect --

Instead of some CDs filling the air with pre-competition firin' up, roller derby gets a real band.
They were rockin' it pretty hard.

Warning signs everywhere. Warning signs ignored. I sat front row, right on turn two -- the center of wipeout alley.

Two of the "pivots" lock it up.

Queens of Pain's Suzy Hotrod blurs by.

Slamtime. Nice!

Official recap here
Official photos here

Crossbreeding the Annoyance

We have a television mounted on the wall at work. Usually, we have something that makes us look like we are on top of our game -- you know, CNN, MSNBC, Bloomberg, etc. Well, today Ch. 7 (ABC) has been on all morning. It was fine until 10:00 ... God, no! The Rachael Ray Show.

The sound was really low so at least I couldn't really hear her squawking, but it is still awful to watch her animated excitement and interest. I was just starting to achieve my goal of ignoring this madness, when her guest comes out. I'm not sure if things could get any worse. It's Dr. Phil. Rachael Ray and Dr. Phil. It's like a tag team of awful.

They cook, they smirk, they chat, they giggle, they touch, they laugh ... P U K E !

Worst Mom Ever

This story really is one of the worst I have ever heard. An accident, I'm sure, but still. People who believe that kids should be learning abstinence instead of learning about birth control options should really be forced to read this article and/or talk to this "mother":

Teen Mom Arraigned in Horrific Baby Death at East Harlem Shelter

Friday September 22, 2006
by Adam Goldman
Associated Press Writer


NEW YORK (AP) -- Four-month-old Niah Ford should have been sleeping in a crib. Instead, her teenage mother after swilling gin put the baby in her bed at their East Harlem homeless shelter.

The decision cost Niah her life. The infant fell into a bucket filled with vomit, water and cleaning solution that was next to the bed.

Savarin DeJesus, 18, was arraigned Friday in Manhattan Criminal Court and charged with criminally negligent homicide and endangering the welfare of a child.

"I loved my baby. I want you to know that," a weeping and visibly shaken DeJesus told the judge during the brief hearing.

The criminal complaint filed against DeJesus revealed more details about the horrific case, and what DeJesus was doing in the hours leading up to Niah's death.

DeJesus told a NYPD detective that she had a date on Sept. 15 and left the infant late that night in the care of a person living at the shelter.

During the course of the evening, DeJesus drank a 20-ounce soda bottle that was filled half with soda and half with gin, according to the complaint.

The next day, at about 3:40 a.m., she returned to the shelter stinking of booze and retrieved her baby. A few minutes later after chatting with some residents of the shelter and smoking cigarettes, she took Niah back to her room and changed her clothing and diaper.

That's when she told police she felt sick and vomited into the bucket next to the bed. She then laid down on the bed and passed out, clutching Niah's legs.

When she awoke between 2 p.m. and 2:30 p.m., DeJesus found the baby's head inside the bucket that contained about six inches of liquid. The baby was taken to the hospital where she was pronounced dead.

The cause of death was either asphyxiation or drowning, according to the medical examiner's office. The complaint said the baby smelled strongly of alcohol.

It's not clear if the shelter, called the Fox House, had a crib. A spokeswoman with the city's Department of Homeless Services was trying to determine if the shelter had one available and whether an investigation had been launched into whether the shelter had followed appropriate guidelines.

On Friday, DeJesus' lawyer told the judge that Niah's death was unintentional.

"She loved her baby and would never hurt her," Kenneth Gilbert said.

Gilbert said DeJesus had no criminal record and was taking antidepressants in the wake of Niah's death.

He said his client, who's from Staten Island, was living at the shelter so she could be closer to the baby's father.

DeJesus was being held on a $1,000 cash bail or $3,000 bond. Gilbert expected her to be released Friday.

Associated Press Writer Sam Maull contributed to this story.

Losing Wisdom

Finally, about 15 years later than I should, I have made an appointment to get my wisdom teeth out. So, fill yourself with all of my wisdom now, because as of October 13, 2006 the wisdom will be yanked out and replaced with stitches, gauze and pain killers.

In a possible bit of bad planning (if you are a superstitious type) my appointment making went something like this:

Me: Hi, I'd like to make an appointment to get my wisdom teeth removed.
Dental Office: OK, do you have a date when you would like to do that?
Me: I was thinking of October 13th
D.O.: OK, how about 10 o'clock?
Me: Sure. That sounds fine.
D.O.: And do you want local anesthetic, nitrous or IV drip anesthetic?
Me: Ooh, I didn't know I had a choice ... I think knocked out. You think that is my best bet?
D.O.: How many teeth?
Me: All four and a couple of them are in there pretty good.
D.O.: Well, probably go with the IV, the knocked out option. You just need someone to pick you up after.
Me: OK. Well, then let's go knocked out style.
D.O.: You can always let us know if you change your mind.
Me: Great.
D.O.: So, I guess that's it. We'll see you Friday, October 13th at 10am.
Me: Friday the 13th ... I didn't think this through very well. Friday the 13th probably isn't the smartest choice for something like this.
D.O.: And they call 'em wisdom teeth.

It's All In The Genes

+ =

Not Able To Get The Job Done

How embarrassing is it to get hired to kill a 51-year-old nurse, be armed with a fairly fool-proof weapon and still wind up getting strangled to death? Embarrassing!

Worst. Hired killer. Ever.

Police: Strangled 'Intruder' a Hit Man

By ANNE M. PETERSON, Associated Press Writer

PORTLAND, Ore. - When Susan Kuhnhausen returned home from work one day earlier this month, she encountered an intruder wielding a claw hammer. After a struggle, the 51-year-old nurse fended off her attacker by strangling him with her bare hands.

Neighbors praised the woman for her bravery, and investigators said they believed the dead man -- Edward Dalton Haffey -- was burglarizing Kuhnhausen's home. But after an investigation, police now say the intruder Kuhnhausen strangled was apparently a hit man hired by her estranged husband -- Michael James Kuhnhausen Sr. -- to kill her.

The 58-year-old husband was taken into custody Thursday and charged with conspiracy to commit murder and attempted murder. He was ordered held on $500,000 bail.

Haffey had worked as a custodian under Kuhnhausen at an adult video store, according an affidavit filed by the Multnomah County District Attorney's office.

Kuhnhausen and his wife were in the process of getting a divorce, and she told officers "her husband was distraught about the divorce and wanting to reconcile but that she was insisting on the divorce," the affidavit states.

A background check showed Haffey had served lengthy prison terms for conspiracy to commit aggravated murder and convictions for robbery and burglary.

Inside a backpack Haffey left at the scene was a day planner with "Call Mike, Get letter," scribbled on the week of Sept. 4, the affidavit said. Michael Kuhnhausen's cell phone number was jotted on the inside of a folder, it said.

An emergency room nurse who lives in a southeast Portland neighborhood, Susan Kuhnhausen arrived home on the evening of Sept. 6 to find Haffey coming at her with a claw hammer.

She was struck in the head and wrested the weapon away, but the struggle continued and Haffey bit the nurse, according to police. A large woman, she was eventually able to get the slight Haffey into a chokehold and police later found him dead in a hallway. An autopsy revealed the cause of death as strangulation.

Police say she acted in self-defense.

There was no sign of forced entry into the home, but according to the affidavit, Susan Kuhnhausen offered an explanation for the lack of evidence of a break-in: Her estranged husband had the security codes for the home's alarm system, and would have been able to disarm it.

Michael Kuhnhausen denies any involvement, the affidavit states.

Susan Kuhnhausen was out of town attending a nursing conference and did not immediately return a phone call seeking comment.

She left this message on her voicemail: "I'm not able to answer all the calls that I've received in the past few days. I'm being comforted by your concern and your support. I want you to know that our lives are all at risk for random acts, but more likely random acts of love will come your way than random acts of violence."