I Impersonate Myself

Not that you should be preying on teen girls to begin with, but when you have teen girls buying your albums and at your shows do you need to prey on them online (allegedly, of course) impersonating the person you actually are? Impersonating yourself! That's a good one. I want to laugh at the absurdity, but when a 14-year-old is involved the humor sort of disappears. What an asshole (allegedly):

http://www.app.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20050226/NEWS03/502260365/1007
Rocker Charged in N.J. Kidnapping, Assault;
Police: Static-X guitarist used Internet to meet teen

Published in the Asbury Park Press 02/26/05
By KEN SERRANO and CHRIS JORDAN
GANNETT NEW JERSEY

OLD BRIDGE -- He told the 14-year-old Sayreville girl he was "T-Rex" and he liked to impersonate the guitarist for the heavy metal band they both liked, Static-X, authorities said.

But the 39-year-old man accused of meeting the girl through the Internet, driving from Pennsylvania and sexually assaulting her in an Old Bridge shopping center in January was no impersonator, police said.

Tod Rex Salvador, who goes by the stage name Tripp Eisen, a guitarist for Static-X, was apprehended Thursday in Orange County, Calif. by two detectives from New Jersey, authorities said.

Salvador, of Burbank, Calif., was charged with kidnapping, aggravated sexual assault, luring to entice a minor through the Internet and endangering the welfare of a child. If convicted, he faces a maximum of 30 years in prison on the kidnapping charge alone.

When Det. Scott Crocco of the Old Bridge Police Department and Det. Sgt. David Jones of the state police encountered Salvador, he had just gotten out of jail.

Police in California arrested Salvador on Feb. 10 after finding him sleeping in a parked car with a girl with whom he had just had sexual intercourse, said Jon Fleischman of the Orange County Sheriff's Department.

Salvador was charged with committing a lewd act with a child and was released after posting $100,000 bail, Fleischman said.

Following his arrest Thursday technically on a fugitive warrant from New Jersey, Salvador was turned over to the Central Men's Jail in Santa Ana, Calif. He is being held there without bail while he awaits extradition to New Jersey, authorities said.

"We've confiscated several computers to examine them to see if there are other victims," Lt. Kevin Rehmann of the New Jersey State Police said. "We suspect there may be in several other states."

Static-X is one of the most popular groups to emerge from what's known as the nu-metal scene of the late 1990s that spawned bands like Korn.

The band released its debut album, "Wisconsin Death Trip," in 1998. The album went gold, selling half a million copies. A new album is scheduled for release later this year.

A call placed to the band's publicist at Warner Bros. was not returned. A management company, The Firm, referred calls to Salvador's Los Angeles-based attorney, Mark Werksmen, who did not return calls.

Police said the Sayreville girl met Salvador on a Web Site where he used the screen name "groverygodadat" under the heading "never married male looking for female."

"He tells the girl he's a fan of the band and portrays himself to look like the guitarist in (Static-X)," Rehmann said.

He drove out to Old Bridge on Jan. 7 from Pen Argyl, Pa., in a truck belonging to a Pennsylvania relative, said Lt. Robert Weiss of the Old Bridge Police Department. Salvador, who once lived in New Jersey, was back in Pennsylvania from the West Coast on an extended holiday visit.

Police said he had consensual sex with the Sayreville girl in the truck in the parking lot of the shopping center. The girl's mother found out about the assault and went to Old Bridge detective Thomas Montagna, Weiss said.

Father of the Year

Yesterday, while walking around town I hear this snippet of conversation between a guy and two women:

Woman #1: Are you going to move?

Guy: No way am I moving. I mean I'm his father. Moving is not going to change that. Look, I talk to him, and I'm there for him and I send him money. What the fuck?

High Levels of Anticipation Leads to Disappointment

Overheard midway through a 4 mile race in Central Park this morning:

Guy 1: So these are The Gates huh?

Guy 2: Yeah. This is the first time you have seen them?

Guy 3: Yup. (pause) I think it is safe for me to say this is a disappointment.

The Name Game

It all turned out OK in the end, but maybe you Boston fans should have pulled your hands off your dicks for once, pooled your money and bid on this auction right from the beginning so a New Yorker didn't even have a chance to fuck with you. Pull your heads out of your asses Beantown:

Celtics arena will honor Jimmy Fund not Yankees' Jeter

Feb. 25, 2005
SportsLine.com wire reports

BOSTON -- Wait 'till next year, Jeter.

A New York Yankees fan whose $2,325 bid won an eBay auction giving him the one-day naming rights to the FleetCenter in Boston wanted to call it the "Derek Jeter Center," after the Yankee shortstop and captain.

But instead, Manhattan lawyer Kerry Konrad agreed Friday to call it the "Jimmy Fund Center," after a Boston friend and Red Sox fan donated an additional $6,275 to the charitable effort.

Boston real estate developer Jerry Rappaport Jr. offered to trump his buddy's bid. The total of $8,600 is in recognition of 86 years between Boston's World Series victories. The Jimmy Fund, one of the world's largest cancer charities, supports the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute. It has been the official Red Sox charity since 1953.

Konrad and Rappaport, both Harvard alums, are scheduled to be at the "Jimmy Fund Center" on Tuesday to present their donation to the charity.

Konrad's original proposal was rejected by FleetCenter president and CEO Richard Krezwick. Arena officials have reserved the right to approve or reject any winning bid.

"All names have to be rated 'G'. We determined that Derek Jeter Center is an obscene and vulgar use of the English language in Boston," Krezwick joked.

Mike Andrews, chairman of the Jimmy Fund and former Red Sox infielder, said in a statement that the Jimmy Fund "is a charity that transcends the biggest rivalry in sports, which is fitting as cancer affects everyone."

Yankees owner George Steinbrenner and manager Joe Torre have contributed to the Jimmy Fund in the past.

The FleetCenter is home to the Boston Celtics and Boston Bruins. The name became obsolete after Bank of America acquired FleetBoston Financial last year and the Charlotte, N.C., banking giant opted not to retain the naming rights.

While the arena's owner, Delaware North Cos., searches for a new long-term partner, it has been offering one-day naming rights on eBay and donating the proceeds to charity. Past winners have included an online casino and a California man who named it for his wife as a Valentine's Day present. The names are posted on signs around the arena and on the arena's website.

AP NEWS
The Associated Press News Service

Just Not Right

I watched a little American Idol tonight. I haven't watched it since the "making fun of people" rounds because I really don't care about the whole process or the winner. I'm strictly here for insults and embarrassment in those beginning rounds and then I cut my ties.

Anyway, things are now in full swing. Corny pop performances and voting people off is the name of the game now. I couldn't believe how the producers torture the contestants. They build up the "are you safe" or are you "out" so bad that it looks like people are literally having mild heart attacks while they wait for the outcome. As if that isn't bad enough, the person ousted doesn't just get shown the door; they continue to fuck with them. They tell the person they are off and then the judges give some info as to why they think the American public voted that way -- "This just wasn't your best performance" or "Your pitch was a bit off" or "That song just didn't bring out your strengths" -- then the final torture ... "Why don't you sing one more time for us and your fans?"

Not only do they sing, but they sing the same song that just got them kicked off. It wasn't good the first time around and then this time they are fighting down disappointment, apathy, anger, whatever, so it definitely doesn't sound good. What a bunch of fuckers.

I liken it to punching someone in the gut so they get the wind knocked out of them and fall to the ground. Then you say, "Man, there are all these people around. Get up so they don't think you are a pussy." and help them up to their feet and when they get there you knee them in the balls.

Now you're really an Idol loser. Come back and try again next year ... pussy.

Used Guilty Pleasures

I''ve been taking a class at NYU, which meets every Monday at 6:10pm. This is an irritating start time for me as it gives me enough time to go home after work, but if I do, I pretty much have to turn around and head to class after only a little home time or I can skip going home, but then have to entertain myself for a little while until it is time. Tonight I decided to entertain myself by hitting a CD store on St. Marks and routing through the used CDs. I wound up with a selection that is part guilty pleasure, part curiosity and part "can't beat the price." My total bill was $20.47 and here's what I got (I'll let you guess which one was only $0.88):

Survival of the Sickest by Saliva
Trixter by Trixter
re.present by Jimmie's Chicken Shack
Noise From the Basement by Skye Sweetnam ~ remember my rant about her here?

It's gonna be an awesome week of rockin' out to fairly embarrassing music.

Saffron Looks Like Orange To Me

I went to see The Gates up in C.P. last Sunday. I have been trying to evaluate how I felt about the whole thing as opposed to my usual jumping to conclusions. Well, I think my evaluation time is up. My conclusion is ... (drum roll) ... I'm not into it. I think it is a cool idea, and I like that there is something that gets so many people into the park (especially at this time of year when the weather isn't really park weather), but for the most part I can't say I was too impressed. Sure a lot of time went into it and it is wacky, but I can't really consider it art, nor do I think it really makes for any stunning sensory pleasure. Anywho, that's just me, and what do I know. I still recommend going to see it. It is worth going to see just to see it and draw your own conclusions and discuss among your friends or with strangers ... wait a minute, that is starting to sound a little bit like art! Damn.

So, I took a bunch of pictures and this is the only one I thought looked cool:

The Gates - Sunday, February 13, 2005

So Generous (that's sarcasm)

If anyone wants a Gmail e-mail address to call their very own let me know. I have many for the giving. In case you aren't in the know, Gmail is Google's free mail service. You get 1,000MB of e-mail flexibility and everybody loves that. Currently you can only get an account with an invite. So, here is your chance. If you want one just drop me an e-mail and I'll get one right over to ya.

T & DG

I have a subscription to Playboy, and have had it for a few years now. I'm not much for magazines. In most cases they suck. I was a big fan of POPsmear until it took a swandive (hell, I even had an honorable mention in a contest of theirs), Esquire is OK, and lately I have had an unnatural amount of fun(?) reading Business 2.0, but Playboy is hands down my favorite. I know this sounds corny and rather stereotypical, but I'm going to say it anyway -- I do read the articles. I have read every Playboy ever placed into my mailbox from cover to cover. The females in all honesty get pretty tired after awhile. But, before you start yelling "he's gay" first I will assure you that is not the case and let me wrap up this post with this tidbit: This month Debbie Gibson is featured. Yes, nude. Back in April of 2002 Tiffany was in there too.

Funny, how back in 1987 when those two were on every boy's mind and Debbie and Tiffany were all packed away in their sweaters and jean jackets. Only now, 18 years later, when my curiosity has dwindled are the fantasies finally revealed.

I think back in the day Tiffany was always the cheesier of the two and less talented too (hence the short-lived career I guess). Well, it remains the same in the Playboy world too. Tiffany had to run with the breast implants, meanwhile Debbie is just doing her thing as is.

I don't really know where I was going with all this, so I'll just end this madness. Nice work Debbie. Nice work Playboy.

9 West 57th Street

To ______ ...

... with love.

On this Valentine's Day and the day following the Super Bowl of music award shows, I'd like to steal a little page out of Craig Kilborn's book of tricks called To ____ With Love to express my feelings towards the GRAMMY Awards.

To the GRAMMY producers with love: That opening sequence was a bit overboard. You started the whole show with a finale. That's when you lost me to The Simpsons.

To Jamie Fox with love: You're not actually Ray Charles

To JLo and Marc Anthony with love: You sound like shit and your marriage makes me a little sick to my stomach. Oh, and your performance sucked too.

To the GRAMMY rule makers/decision makers with love: Maroon 5 should not be winning for "new artist". Their first major label album was released in 2002.

To Kanye West, Alicia Keys and Green Day with love: Thanks for saving the show.

To Joss Stone with love: I'm not a big Janis Joplin fan, but you make it her stuff a bit more tolerable.

To the lighting guy with love: Ease up on the strobe lights. I was on the verge of a seizure for the majority of the show.

To Loretta Lynn & Jack White with love: Whatever is going on between you is creepy. Please stop.

To the "helping the world" supergroup with love: The "Across the Universe" Tsunami relief jamboree was embarrassing. I think you could have raised more money if you started playing and said you would stop when a certain amount of money was raised. I would have thrown some cash your way with the quickness just for ear comfort.

To retarded voters with love: Not that it was presented during the show, but I did notice on the bottom of the screen mention that Britney Spears won for Best Dance Recording. Better than Basement Jaxx or the Chemical Brothers? It's not like Britney wrote anything she performed. Good grief.

To Lance Armstrong & Sheryl Crow with love: Sheryl, that dress and your comments about it being make from Lance's yellow jerseys may have been a bit unnecessary, but when you are probably the hottest 43 year old out there (actually, you're hotter than most ladies 10 years younger too) you can do what you want. Lance, you look awkward, almost guilty when you are hanging with Sheryl. Enjoy yourself man, things ain't so bad.

To academy president Neil Portnow with love: Do you think anyone was buying into your speech about how helpful and caring musicians are and how illegal downloading stealing from them? Something stinks ... it's you!

Happy Valentine's Day everybody. I hope it treats you well (except you Neil Portnow, and while I'm thinking about it, you too Bono).

Just Like 1996

I went out last night (Friday) with my friend Sara who was in town visiting from Minnesota -- the Land of 10,000 Lakes. I met Sara my first summer in NYC, way back in 1996. We both had internships here in the city of big dreams and were both living in an NYU dorm for seven weeks. There was a lot of going out that summer. When I say a lot I mean everyday. Our schedule would be something like this: get up, go to breakfast, go to work, come home, go out, drink, see a band, drink, eat a slice of pizza, go to sleep, get up, feel like shit and say "I'm not doing that again for awhile", go get breakfast, go to work, come home, go out, drink, etc. It wasn't exactly healthy.

Anyway, Sara and I had the bad habit of not knowing when to pack it in. The rest of our posse would head home and we would inevitably stay out for "one more beer." There were more than a few times we would wake up on the couches in the back of the now defunct Looking Glass with a mostly full pint of beer in hand.

Well, last night started off with dinner (you know adult stuff), but turned into drinks afterwards. As our group drifted off, guess who the last idiots out were? Eight years later and we aren't any smarter apparently.

Unlike eight years ago, I don't bounce back quite as nicely these days. I felt like shit all day and didn't even leave my apartment. Damn you booze!! Damn you all to hell!!!

I appreciated the visit, but I think it is probably good she moved back to Minnesota after that summer or we would probably both be in a lot of trouble.

Low-riding Bill

Dear CNN,

Please clarify this headline: Bill sets fine for low-riding pants

In no way was this particular Bill or any other Bill that I know of involved in this rediculous bill or the possible enforcement of such. You are giving my name a bad name.

Thanks a lot assholes.

Sincerely,
Bill

Powerplant. Powerplan.

This building is right near my place of employment.
Mike and I have been working up a master plan which would enable us to purchase that monstrosity and convert it into the bitchin'est living quarters/den of sin Jersey City has ever seen! I have visions of indoor basketball court/Wiffle Ball stadium, rooftop pool/sun deck/garden and maybe a slide out my window, down to the ground as to cut down on my commute time. The exterior brick walls are 28" thick, which sound like it should be well insulated from the cold or winter and the hot of summer and may withstand the explosions of suicide bombers too. There is ample parking for those who like to drive and it is convenient to public transport too. It's gonna be awesome!

I was just doing some research on the matter and found that our desired old powerhouse, built way back in 1906 is on the National Register of Historic Places. Our plan gets cooler by the second. There is even a web site devoted to the ol' beast here. I like these pluses:

• The Powerhouse is in a State Urban Enterprise Zone and qualifies for grants, low interest loans, reduced sales taxes and other benefits.

Sweet.

• Because the building is eligible for historic designation, historic tax credits equal to 20% of redevelopment costs would be available.

Yes.

• New Jersey's new adaptive re-use building codes save 10% - 30% on renovation.

Excellent.

Now, I am guessing, despite all these fine money-saving points this may still be a bit out of our price range, so I am willing to accept donations of materials, gear, money, labor, legal assistance, suggestions, etc. In exchange you can consider yourself always welcome for some swimming, Wiffle Ball or sliding down my window slide AND when the place is properly sectioned off into individual apartments you can have one at a reduced rate.

I can't wait.

What About Bob?

So, I am walking home this evening and take a glance at the Empire State Building to see how she's doing and I notice that the lights are red, green and yellow. I had just read earlier how people have been celebrating Bob Marley's 60th birthday (if he wasn't dead that is), so I thought it was rather nice for NYC to honor that whole thing. I snapped a quick photo which came out rather blurry, but I decided I liked it blurry -- probably how it would look if I had been puffin' some wacky tobacky -- just as Bob would have wanted I imagine.

Well, after a little research on the subject of ESB lighting it turns out I was wrong about the Bob Marley thing. The color scheme is actually for Grenada's independence. Now the photo blur just doesn't have the same warm feeling to it anymore.

Well, Happy Birthday anyway Bob.

The Daylight Cometh

NYC from JC - 06:56am

Religious Herp

I know I have been a little hung up on news stories as of late, but things have been so strange in the world of news, how can I ignore it?

This news is nuts. I'll give you two reasons for that: (1) that this even happened to begin with and (2) how it happened. As if the world doesn't have enough issues with herpes ...

Rabbi May Have Spread Herpes With Circumcisions

By the way, if the headline wasn't enough to get you to read this little article, check out this quote by my wife after I had read this article to her over the phone: "What the fuck!? Religious or not, you shouldn't be putting your mouth on a little boy's dingdong"(see orange text below).

Feb 2, 2005 6:35 am US/Eastern
NEW YORK -- City health officials are investigating the death of a baby boy who was one of three infants to contract herpes after a Rockland County-based rabbi circumcised them.

Ten days after Rabbi Yitzhok Fischer performed a bris, or religious circumcision, on twins last October, one infant died of herpes and the other tested positive for the virus, according to Wednesday's edition of the Daily News.

Health officials later found a third baby, on Staten Island, that tested positive for herpes and was circumcised by Fischer in late 2003.

Under Jewish law, a mohel -- someone who performs circumcisions -- draws blood from the circumcision wound. Most mohels do it by hand, but Fischer uses a rare practice where he uses his mouth, called "metzizah bi peh."

The city "is concerned that the possible transmission of herpes simplex virus type 1 in infants may be continuing as a result of defendant's practice of metzizah bi peh," city lawyers wrote in the Dec. 22 complaint filed in Manhattan Supreme Court.

Fischer's lawyer, Mark Kurzmann, told the Daily News that Fischer was cooperating with the investigation, although it's unclear whether Fischer submitted to the city's request for a blood test.

"My client is known internationally as a caring, skilled, and conscientious mohel," Kurzmann said.

Two Letters

I know Abigail Van Buren aka Dear Abby is now 86, and 86-year-old ladies are supposed to be sensitive, wise and nice. Nevertheless I wish she would tell some people to "fuck off" once in awhile.

Here is a letter from her column this week:

DEAR ABBY: My son, "Adam," came home from Iraq for a two-week visit. He brought with him some T-shirts for his father, his sister and me. They were last-minute purchases. Now my mother is furious that she didn't get a souvenir from Iraq.

Our extended family is huge, and Adam didn't have room to bring something for everyone. No one else in the family is upset about it. They're just glad he came home healthy and safe.

My mother complained to her sister, "Irene," and Aunt Irene sent Adam a card in Iraq ordering him to send my mother something. It upset him because he barely knows Aunt Irene.

When I defended my son, Mother said: "I am the grandmother. I should have gotten something." I told her no one expected anything from him.

Is she being unreasonable or am I? Adam is furious that this nonsense is going on while he's risking his life in Baghdad. I will forward your response to him. -- PROUD MOM IN OHIO

Here is Abby's response:

DEAR PROUD MOM: Please tell Adam that he is in my thoughts and prayers for his safe return from a dangerous tour of duty -- which his grandmother apparently has confused with a sightseeing tour. Your son doesn't owe anyone a gift. His gift to the family will be his safe return.

Here's what I wish she said:

DEAR PROUD MOM:
I can't believe your son even brought home T-shirts. The kid was over in stinky Iraq with people plotting to suicide bomb his ass, shooting at him and worse, yet he thought to bring something to his family? That's pretty nice. Also, I have a hard time believing there are T-shirts in Iraq to buy. What do they say on them?

Baghdad, Iraq 12631

or

My son fought for freedom in Iraq and all I got was this lousy T-shirt

Anyway, tell your son to send a proper gift to grandma. I suggest not even waiting for his next visit home. He should pack up and mail something really Iraq. A real souvenir, not some shitty T-shirt. Something like a camel spider, a leg blown off by a landmine or perhaps the charred human ribs of a suicide bomber. "Adam" might also want to take a shit in a poster tube and mail it to Aunt "Irene" so she doesn't feel left out of the souvenir handout. What a bunch of assholes you have in your family!

Tell "Adam" I am proud of him and to be safe out there.

PS The fact that you had to write to get verification that your mother and her sister are in the wrong concerns me as well. Please slap yourself. Harder. And again.

Butthead

I don't know that this "news" story is all that interesting or informative, but the headline deserves a fucking award of some sort:

Study: Smoking Makes Teenagers Stupid

Feb 1, 2005 1:48 pm US/Eastern
(1010 WINS) (NEW HAVEN, Conn.) Parents have been telling teens for years that smoking is stupid. Now, a study suggests it can make teens stupid.

The Yale School of Medicine study found that teenage smokers scored significantly poorer on working memory tests than nonsmokers. The gap between smokers and nonsmokers widened as smokers went through nicotine withdrawal.

Working memory is used to keep information in mind and manipulate it. The study of 73 adolescents was published in the January issue of Biological Psychiatry.

Earlier studies have linked cigarettes to memory problems in adults.

"These findings underscore the importance of efforts aimed at preventing smoking initiation in adolescents," said Dr. Leslie Jacobsen, a Yale professor and researcher. "They also show adolescents who are trying to quit smoking may need additional educational support."