Eye For An Eye

Tomorrow my father is getting a cornea transplant. The mere thought makes my non-corrective lens wearin' eyes cringe. His eyes have been a mess for some time though, and when it can't get much worse, I guess the prospect of being able to see better is enough of a plus for him to avoid the cringing.

The actual procedure involves taking the cornea of someone who has died and inserting it as a replacement for my father's existing cornea. So, the next time I see him, he'll have a piece of someone else doing the lookin'. Modern science is pretty cool. I just hope the cornea doesn't come from an evil donor. I don't want any incidents like with Frinkenstein on The Simpsons.

Sweet glayven!

Not Here

There's no denying that I enjoy discussing bodily functions. Well, when I'm alone with nobody to talk to, I find that signs pertaining to dog's bodily functions sometimes will work as a substitute.

Just when I was starting to feel lonely on my walk home from work and in need of a little juvenile humor I came upon this pick-me-up:

I don't know if it is new or if I just finally noticed it, but this sign on the wall of 333 (half evil I guess) East 14th Street was just what the doctor ordered. Not as funny as this one, but what is?

By the way, building owners ... I don't think dogs can read and even if they could, they certainly can see a sign hung five feet above the ground.

Only Semi Valid

One of our clients at work today had some sort of beef with semicolons which lead to someone at my company being forced into making this note as to cover their ass:

Text of Report:
Combined the headlines with a single dash between them (client told me they do not believe that semicolons are a valid punctuation mark).

Members Only

Last night I went to see a concert at S.O.B.'s here in the NYC. It was my first concert that was entirely hip-hop. I've seen a few rappers/hip-hoppers in my day, but always with some sort of rock and or roll to mix things up a bit. You know, like Public Enemy with Anthrax or Ice Cube mixing it up with all the "alternative" musicmakers at Lollapalooza back in 1992.

Anyway, this show was Swollen Members (insert genital-based joke here) along with openers Gym Class Heroes and Sweatshop Union (actually, just 4 out of the 7 Union members).

I photographed some of the stage antics. You can click on the photos for a larger view if you really care to.

First it's Sweatshop Union:
Sweatshop Union doing their thing. Left to right, you have Kyprios, Metty, DJ Itchy Ron (peaking over Metty's shoulder) and Mos Eisley.

This is Metty the Dert Merchant or Metty for short. He reminds me of Toole, if Toole was Canadian, rapped and owned a Orioles hat. Notice the middle finger. So like Toole. He even had some wacky facial hair, but not quite wacky enough to outdo Toole. His friend to the right is DJ Itchy Ron. As far as I can tell, you just can't go wrong with names like Metty the Dert Merchant and DJ Itchy Ron.

Next up ... Gym Class Heroes:
Gym Class Heroes. From Geneva, N.Y. of all places. Not exactly the center of the hip-hop world. Not even the center of anything. Who would've guessed?

Here is the guitarist and singer of Gym Class Heroes. The guitarist looks like a slightly less beefy and slightly less full of bullet holes 50 Cent. I even saw him dancing around a bit during Swollen Members and he even dances like 50 a bit. Awesome. By the way, the singer makes this face quite frequently.

Travis, singer of Gym Class Heroes. He was constantly fidgeting around and messing with his face. All that busyness reminded me off a combo of Brad Pitt in 12 Monkeys and Leonardo DiCaprio in What's Eating Gilbert Grape.

I was really looking forward to Swollen Members (insert joke with my name and genitals here), and to be honest they were a bit disappointing. I don't think the crowd, or lack there of, helped much. That said, it's Swollen Members:
This is Mad Child from Swollen Members. I always thought the "Mad" was as in "Crazy" but about 30 seconds into the show I started thinking it was just "Mad" as in "Pissed off." He was bitching about the monitors being to loud, then the sound being too low, then the lights being too bright, then the monitors being too low. He also wasn't too concerned with the smoking ban.

Prevail and Mad Child.

This is Rob the Viking, DJ for Swollen Members. Although he has Viking in his name, I didn't see any sign of a helmet with horns, nor was there any pillaging or plundering.

Swollen Members blurrin' it up.

So, in all it was a $12 well spent. Sweatshop Union was really impressive. Gym Class Heroes was a pleasant surprise. Swollen Members as I mentioned was a little bit of a let down, but I'd be willing to give them another shot.

Keep on rockin' hip-hoppin' in the free world.

Plantastic

It seems that as of late, every single day there is a story or study about how global warming is making a mess out of the Earth and everything on it. The frogs, the coral, the beachfront homes, the polar ice caps, people, etc. All fucked. I personally think the "experts" who say that global warming is a myth are nuts. The whole thing is scary to me and to be completely honest, it makes me feel pretty depressed.

I was also recently reading some articles in Business 2.0 about space. Mostly the business angle (obviously), but it went into some of the innovators and innovations coming down the pipe to make all this space business possible. Cool shit. Space elevators (by 2021), space hotels (by 2015), tourism spaceships (by 2023), humans on Mars (by 2030) and all the crap that goes with it.

So I'm no scientist, but all this reading has given me a possible plan to reduce our problem with global warming. I know there is more to it than this, but I know the buildup of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere is part of the trouble. Well, if my 10th grade biology memory is correct, plants convert CO2 to oxygen. The atmosphere doesn't need all that CO2 and us humans can use that oxygen. So, my plan is this: Take some of these fancy space innovations, get some plants way up in the atmosphere, put them on some sort of platform or hanging system and let them do their thing. Clean the air, reduce the speed of the slow baking death the Earth is heading for. Boo-ya!

Now, I don't really have the resources or knowhow to get this done, so I invite whoever has the skills to use my idea. I don't even need any credit, although a simple "thanks" when you accept your Nobel Peace Prize would be nice. Or if you are really nice, perhaps a job which involves a space suit . I look forward to the results.

Oh, and if all this is not actually a help to our global warming problem, please let me down easy. And I'd like to see some proof, because I can't imagine this plan possibly being incorrect.

Check Yourself

Dear Rachael Ray,

You know, I used to find you OK to watch on the ol' Food Network every so often. I even have one of your cookbooks (a gift) and it comes in handy on occasion. Well, you have overstayed your welcome in my eyes. You are on the tube way too much, you wear really unflattering shirts and worst of all, your use of E.V.O.O. for a shitty acronym for Extra Virgin Olive Oil is maddening. Just fucking say "olive oil" or if it really has to be extra virgin, just spit it out. I know you are trying to save time so you can make an entire meal in 30 minutes, but come on! E.V.O.O.? That's NOT a time saver and it is NOT going to sweep the cooking world and make you some sort of word originator. It IS annoying. Get your shit together. Take a look at some of your old shows and compare with some recent ones. I think even you will notice how annoying you have become.

Sincerely,
Me

Chicken!

I get a IM from Lozo today containing this clip:


That never gets old. You may want to keep this link on file just in case you need a laugh injected in your day.

Ready To Serve

Starting tomorrow I get to head down to New York Supreme Court for some jury duty. Well, at least the process to have jury duty. The last time I got called for this American right and legal responsibility, I pretty much spent three days sitting in a big room with a bunch of slobs, waiting for them to call my name for a case. No case ever came my way.

Anyway, hopefully this time it will be a bit more like the Pauly Shore movie Jury Duty. That would kick ass. Me hangin' out with Pauly Shore, Tia Carrere and Abe Vigoda! Well, probably mostly Tia.

Sweet, sweet justice.

Everyone's A Winner

I'm not a big watcher of the Academy Awards. I watch a little, but then get bored of everyone and their acting. I reviewed the winners and some photos, so I think I have it all figured out anyway.

As they say, "A picture is worth a thousand words." I think that rang true:


Jon Stewart gives someone a verbal lashing for talking during one of his monologues as he hosts the 78th annual Academy Awards in Hollywood March 5, 2006. (REUTERS/Gary Hershorn)


South African actress Charlize Theron, nominated for an Oscar for best actress in a leading role for her work in 'North Country,' seems to be going to the same hair stylist as Marge Simpson. A bit more hair and some blue dye, and Marge and Charlize could be the makings of Single White Female 3.(AP Photo/Kevork Djansezian)


Actor Felicity Huffman, nominated for best actress for her film 'Transamerica,' does her best blow up doll imitation as she arrives at the 78th annual Academy Awards in Hollywood March 5, 2006. (REUTERS/Brian Snyder)

What the hell happened here? Holy shit!

Musician Eddie Van Halen arrives at the 14th Annual Elton John Academy Awards Viewing Dinner and After-Party in West Hollywood, Calif., Sunday, March 5, 2006. (AP Photo/Matt Sayles)

Mercury and Chrysler

Thursday, March 2, 2006 @ 9:15pm

Consistent

As you may or may not have noticed, I haven't had shit to say lately.


I still don't.