How I Spent My ...

I thought I would throw a couple of pictures from my vacation (or holiday) as the rest of the world likes to say) up for your viewing pleasure:

Here we have what is called an Agouti.
They are sort of like what you would get if you could mate a large guinea pig with a large rabbit. They look like fun. I ate a close relative of the agouti, a paca (aka gibnut) for dinner one night.

Tasty.









Here we have some sort of dung beetle doing what dung beetles do best ... push poop around.

Notice his little friend (or perhaps rival) Mr. Fly in the lower portion of the photo trying to get a piece of the action.












Here is a skeleton of a human sacrifice in Actun Tunichil Muknal, or ATM as many (including myself) like to call it.
The Maya would use this cave for sacrificing and bloodletting rituals. The skeleton is from around 900 A.D. Apparently the Maya would go in this cave and get all trippy on mushrooms or other hallucinogens and carry on their rituals. It must have led to some pretty bad trips, especially for those sacrificed. If you ever go to Belize this is one stop I would call a "must see." It's fucking cool.














Here's a little friend of mine I met briefly in Guatemala -- the coati.

The coati is sort of like a raccoon, but hangs out during the day and isn't so fucking fat. This one didn't give a shit about me and came out of his tree and walked by me close enough that I could here his panting from the effort in the jungle heat.









This is the van/license plate of the douche bags who drove us to Tikal in Guatemala. They tried to fuck us out of some money.
That shit didn't go over too well.

Don't ride with them unless you like getting fucked with or if you like walking around ancient ruins really pissed off. If you like those things then pile in the van.










Here's me doing one of the things I do really well ... staring at my feet while swinging in a hammock.

















Here are some kids in Hopkins, Belize showing me that hammocks can be used for more rowdy fun than what I use them for.
I'm old and lazy. I get it kids. Fuck off, I'm on vacation.















Here is where footwear belongs while on vacation. No place near feet. Barefoot is the way to be.


The beach in Hopkins. As you can see there's not a lot going on. Just the way I like it.

















Ah, back to the creatures. Here is a bird I like.
There was a whole posse of these suckers around and they would stalk and eat insects, especially around dusk.

He's got one in his beak right now! Nice work champ. One less bug pissing me off while trying to sleep.









Here's some of the kids who lived next door to the place I was staying in Hopkins. I would like to emphasize some. Holy crap, those parents of theirs must like gettin' busy.

There was a lot of activity over there. The activity (such as the running pictured) would usually lead to somebody crying.












Next stop was Tobacco Caye (pronounced key). Just what the doctor ordered.

As if the island isn't enough as is, there was a bar just steps from the water.

















The view from the front porch of my cabin at Tobacco Caye Lodge.

SWEET HOME indeed.















The aforementioned bar had a happy hour that began at 5:00pm.

Rum and Cokes? $3.00 Belize. That translates into $1.50 U.S.

As if that isn't enough to keep me content, there would also be kickass sunsets easily viewed from barside.















On the way back to Belize City to catch a flight home to the U.S. of A., flying sounded a bit less annoying, and not much more expensive than the bus. As it turns out, the plane was smaller than a bus.

















The inside of the plane.
This fucker holds 12 plus a pilot and co-pilot. Notice the pilot's head up there in the front? This flight had no co-pilot and certainly had no cockpit door to stop terrorists from taking over.

I almost asked if I could sit in the co-pilot's seat, but figured in this winged minivan maybe the pilot didn't need any distractions.






This was a group of missionaries from Georgia waiting for their flight at the airport.

I saw at least three groups such as this during my time in Belize. They like wearing matching T-shirts and spreading Jesus' love throughout the land. Ya gotta stop those blood-crazy Maya from doing all their sacrificing you know.

The majority of them had a look that would have me uninterested in asking them for directions to the bathroom, nevermind the answers to my spiritual existence.

I was trying to guess if any of the teens were perhaps using the low chaperone/teen ratio to push aside thoughts of eternal damnation and get it on. A few looked suspicious.

A heard a female member from a different group of red T-shirt wearing missionaries from Texas say some comment about " ... such a stereotypical Yankee." I wanted to go up and ask her how her stereotypical southern ass was going to be speaking so negatively about northerners when she is trying to promote Jesus, but I didn't. Instead I just stuck my Yankee foot up her fat redneck ass. No, I didn't do that either, but I should have.

The last slide in our vacation slide show is just one more reason to dislike Florida.

This is my receipt from the purchase of two newspapers at the Miami International Airport.

Notice anything odd? Tax. Fucking tax on newspapers.

So stupid. So annoying.
















THE END

Mystery Solved (Almost)

I don't exactly know what this is all about. A lunatic with a PR firm? A promotional item? A joke? I don't really care. Be sure to get to the URL in this release and check out the photos and video. AWESOME!

Loch Ness Investigator Goes Public
Forensics Investigator William McDonald has Been Researching the Loch Ness Monster for 12 Years
PHOENIX, June 7 /PRNewswire/ -- Forensics Investigator William McDonald has been researching the Loch Ness Monster for 12 years. The former U.S. Marine is now on the threshold of breaking new evidence that, for the first time, reveals what the creature is, proves its existence, and explains why the animal is only seen on blurry photos. McDonald is also prepared to reveal why the Scottish Highland Government is covering up information about the monster's true identity.

With exclusive photos and video, McDonald is prepared to detail:

• Slide Tracks taken in December on the banks of Loch Ness of an animal reported to be 50 to 60 feet long.
• A half-devoured deer carcass found by two American students in March.
• A four inch barbed shed tooth found in the deer's remains, confiscated by Scottish Authorities, confirmed by biologists to be real.
• The actual species of the animal known as Nessie.
• Why it is not a plesiosaur, as the Highlanders claim it to be.
• How the animal entered Loch Ness prior to 1930 and why it is trapped.
• Why it only surfaces to feed on winter nights.
• Why the Scottish Government confiscated the tooth found by the American students' and how their footage came to appear at http://www.LochNessTooth.com

Because of a nondisclosure agreement with author Steve Alten (The LOCH), whose publisher funded part of McDonald's research in exchange for the exclusive, the investigator has been forced to remain quiet. However, due to McDonald's recent meetings with marine biologists, paleontologists, and board members from several prestigious museums who are lending their support in recovering the tooth from the Highland Government (offering $100,000 in reward money) Alten's publisher has agreed to release McDonald from his non-disclosure.

McDonald is now looking for the largest print media venues upon which to deliver never-before-seen photos of the tooth and renditions of what the monster actually looks like.

Mr. McDonald can be reached at 480-330-7553 or e-mail at bill_kia@hotmail.com.

He is representing the efforts of the two American students and can arrange an interview by phone with one of the students if necessary.

Contact: Michael Drew, 850-747-8188

This press release distributed by PRWEB (http://www.prwebdirect.com/ ), a service of eMediawire.

SOURCE Steve Alten
###

Door Prize

A few minutes ago my doorbell rang. This never happens unless I am expecting someone such as a food delivery guy or maybe on an exciting day the UPS guy. I go to the door wearing my boxers and a T-shirt. My stereo is on and is louder than necessary. I have my 200 CD changer on shuffle.

I open the door and there are three people. A guy, a woman and a kid maybe in high school or early college. The guy sticks out his hand and says, "Sorry to interrupt your music, but I just wanted to introduce myself. I'm __________ and I'm running for _________." I missed the details because all I could hear was Insane Clown Posse yelling, "Yeah bitch, it's all about clown love!"

According to the literature this is Jack Lester, running for City Council. He looked a bit unsure as to what he got himself into ringing my doorbell and I'm sure I looked a bit confused as well. I gave the hand a shake did the thank yous and pleased to meetchas, took his literature and shut the door. Just as the door closed the CD changed to "Yellow Submarine" by The Beatles.

I know the music is easily heard out in the hall, so I'm sure this poor guy is now thinking he just shook hands with someone with multiple personalities and is in no way receiving my vote.

Don't worry Jack. I'm not a total nut. Well, maybe my music is a bit nutty, but at least I like to flex my American rights and vote.

You Are Someting Else

Anonymous said...
Its shows how smart you must be to result to calling people names, such as RETARDO. Give it up man, just cause you dont like the winner doesn't mean you result to calling them names. Thats someting children do, I suppose you are still a child.

The comment was attached to this post yesterday, which to be honest was initially quite long and a tad violent and perhaps Secret Service alarming so I trimmed it down after Blind Cavefish advised me via comment numero uno.

A few comments to the person who left me that anonymous comment:

1. This post was originally posted on November 3, 2004. I appreciate the feedback, but I feel it's a bit late to be bitching at me at this point.
2. Posting as "anonymous" is "someting children do." If you are going to talk ill of me, try to be adult enough to leave your identity.
   
3. Speaking of "someting" -- "Its" should be "It", In two cases I think when you say "result" you mean to say "resort", "dont" should be "don't" or "do not", "Thats" should be "that's" or "that is" and "someting" should be "something"
   
4. You are a numskull. Whoops -- there is that childish name calling again. I just can't stop I guess.

Still the Same

It's nice to know that no matter how long you are away from your normal routine, there is one thing that stays constant -- crappy movies on TBS every Sunday.

I haven't seen a TV in 16 days and when I turn mine on this morning Deep Blue Sea is on.

Constant crapathon.

You Gotta Belize

I'm gonna be a non-blogger for a couple of weeks, for I am off to Belize for some much needed vacation. I doubt I will be near a computer and if I do stumble upon one I probably won't be down with sitting in front of it. On a non-vacation note, but perhaps something that will be enjoyable to think about while I am gone, I leave you with this:

Near my work is this nice chunk of green, green grass. Despite never being any dogs around, there is a "keep dogs off" sign on it makes me laugh every time I walk by.

Partly because bodily functions are funny to me (even when a dog is involved), but more so because of the expression on the dog's face. Man that fucker is pushing that turd out with some conviction! "Come on little buddy, you can do it! Pushhh ... "


Talk to you when I return.

A.P., if you are reading this -- let's stop fucking around. Dinner when I return!

At Last, Some Sense in the Entertainment World

Way to go Fox! Thanks for renewing Arrested Development.

In a world where Two and Half Men is in the top ten most viewed television shows and Monster-In-Law is at the top of the movie heap you have made things seem a bit more sane. Another year of AD = another year of me laughing my ass off every Sunday night and then enjoying a slow trickle of laughing throughout the week as I reminisce about the genius.

So Breezy

I got a nice chuckle from a search someone did today to wind up here: men wearing mesh speedos.

Pass the Needle

I don't know how many times I've been told by the ladies that I know that my penis looks its best when I inject my penis with paraffin, lubricant gel or everybody's favorite, olive oil. Deformities? That's crazy talk!

http://news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/nm/20050513/od_uk_nm/oukoe_life_thailand_penis_1

Size-obsessed Thai Men Warned on Penis Injections

Fri May 13, 4:28 AM ET
BANGKOK (Reuters) - Thailand's health ministry warned size-obsessed men on Friday to avoid trying to enlarge their penises with liquid injections, saying it could cause deformities.

The warning followed media reports that male teenagers in central Thailand had rushed to have their penises injected with olive oil or other liquids.

"Injecting olive oil or any liquid into penises is extremely risky," Chatri Banchuin, chief of the Department of Medical Services, said after his office issued the public warning.

"By the time they know what actually happened, it is too late," he told Reuters.

The practice of injecting liquids -- everything from paraffin to lubricant gel -- has gone on for decades, surgeons say, but their patients are getting younger.

"More and more patients are school age boys, not men in their 30s or 40s like in the past," said urologist Wachira Kochawkarn of Bangkok's Ramathibodi Hospital.

"At my hospital alone, I treat one or two patients a day who have such problems. Imagine the total number across the country?"

The public health warning issued earlier week urged men to be happy with their natural size.

"Sex satisfaction does not depend on penis size, but it involves love and mutual understanding," the ministry said.

Can't We Stop the Madness?

Please America. I'm begging you. Don't do what you are going to do. Think about it, please.

Please do not go to see that inevitable piece of crap Monster-In-Law. I can't stomach the idea of this becoming the "Number One Comedy in America" at all. Can't we just let J.Lo. fall on her face like she deserves for once? And come on! Jane Fonda?

Nobody needs this.

Need For Speed

I just got back from running (this is in an attempt to get my old, fat ass back into shape). If you are one who runs, be it for exercise, escaping the law or trying to catch the crosstown bus, you should go here, where if you scroll down a bit can download Mixmaster Mike's "Board Burner" for F-R-E-E (and legally too). Plop that sucker into your iPod, mp3 player, compact disc or portable record player and head outdoors. Get that tune playing in your music maker of choice, wait about 15 seconds to get a handle on the beat and begin running. Guaranteed you will feel like you are in a sneaker commercial.

Plus, you'll feel fast ...

Crisis Averted

No, I'm not talking about the little plane that threatened the White House today. I'm talking about a crisis of beer getting too warm, too fast. Well, our friends to the north have just what the world needs as summer approaches. I just hope we can sneak that technology over the border without being caught.

By the way Labatt bottlers and canners, this cool idea (Oh, yes, that's a pun) does not excuse you from the fact that your bottles are shipped to the US of A at an 11.5oz. size instead of the usual 12oz. Every six-pack we get gypped out of half a beer. Thanks for the beer staying cooler longer idea, but I want my 6 ounces back!

Labatt Blue Solves Canada's Beer Warming Crisis

Specially-engineered can keeps beer crisp, cold and refreshing for longer

TORONTO, May 10 /CNW/ - As the days get longer and the temperature rises, Canadians look forward to sipping cold ones on their cottage docks, camping or backyard decks. Unfortunately, beer warms up more quickly during these typical summer beer occasions.

To the rescue with The Labatt Blue Cold One: an innovative can that, once chilled, keeps beer colder longer. Labatt Blue cans are wrapped with a thin, insulating layer developed by DuPont. This wrap protects beer from heat transferred from warm hands, condensation and the outside temperature -- the top three factors that cause beer to become warm.

"Our research confirmed that one of the top complaints of beer drinkers is that their beer gets warm too fast. It's just common sense for us to develop The Labatt Blue Cold One, a special can that helps keep beer colder for longer," says Bob Chant, Director, Corporate Affairs, Labatt Breweries of Canada. "The Labatt Blue Cold One was developed at the Labatt centre for innovation, in Labatt Blue's hometown, London, Ontario, one of four global centres of excellence for research and development around the globe."

The specially-engineered wrap on Labatt Blue cans called "Cool2Go" was invented by DuPont, a global leader in science-based, innovative materials. The Cool2Go wrap is made by placing a high tech, polymer insulation between two layers of Melinex film. This patented process results in a thin thermal barrier that keeps beer colder longer. The added layer of insulation also makes Labatt Blue Cold One cans more comfortable to hold.

"The application of this technology to beer cans is a first in the world," says Susan Procaccini, DuPont Packaging Solutions. "DuPont's Cool2Go Wrap is the ideal way to keep beer colder, longer. It's essentially a high tech label -- a thin thermal barrier that insulates each can of Labatt Blue, sealing the cold inside."

The Labatt Blue Cold One cans are available now while supplies last in Ontario at The Beer Store ($14.95 for a six-pack of 473 ml cans) and it will also be available at select bars, restaurants and patios across the province.

The Labatt Blue Cold One is just the latest in a long history of innovation from Labatt - from the twist-off cap to inventing ice brewing technology - with more to come. It's part of Labatt's commitment to giving beer drinkers more interesting and exciting ways to enjoy beer.

Labatt Blue is the best-selling Canadian beer in the world. Introduced in 1951 as Labatt Pilsener, it was named for the colour of its label by fans of the Winnipeg Blue Bombers football team. Labatt Blue was the first brand in Canada with a twist-off cap and most recently won a gold medal at the prestigious Monde Selection Awards in Brussels, Belgium. Labatt Blue is a well-balanced, fully matured, full flavoured beer with a fruity character and a slightly sweet after taste. Labatt Blue uses specially selected German aromatic hops and has no preservatives.

Founded in London, Ontario in 1847 and the proud brewer of more than 60 quality beer brands, Labatt is Canada's largest brewery.

Crashproof

I was in Patagonia yesterday doing a little shopping. Among other things, I was on the hunt for sunglasses. While browsing, this snobby woman get involved in the small sunglasses case too. We're trying glasses on and she is slowly muscling me off to the side with her snobby attitude and big ass. I decide to wait patiently to the side so I don't have to deal with her. At one point I hear her ask the sales woman, "Will these be good -- you know, survive -- a bike crash?" as if that was her plan. To do list: (1) Buy sunglasses (2) ride bike (3) crash "I love crashing my bike into stationary objects, but the sunglasses I have had in the past just can't handle more than a crash or two."

The sales woman responded, "The glasses are fairly hardy, but I'm not going to guarantee anything along those lines."

Just for the record, she didn't buy anything.

90210 and a Cool Colt

Today is everyone's favorite day to act Mexican -- Cinco de Mayo. The fabulous 5th of May. Tequila, Corona, dumb hats, margaritas, saying "Gracias" instead of "Thank you" when someone hands you a drink, etc. You know, all that shit that Mexicans do.

I was remembering back to Cinco de Mayo during sophomore year in college -- the first Cinco de Mayo I remember celebrating with any dedication. It was a good, drunken time.

The day started with some beers at my apartment. I'm guessing they weren't Mexican beers. Probably some Natural Light or something high-quality like that. Then, my fellow Mexicans-for-a-day and I packed up and headed into downtown Poughkeepsie to Cactus Club. There we took full advantage of the Mexican theming and did who knows what for many an hour. At some point we decided to leave and get something to eat. Someone then pointed out that Beverly Hills 90210 was going to be on soon. As un-Mexican (and pretty gay) as that sounds we decide that would be our plan. We stopped at a convenient store and picked up some sandwiches and beer. My beer of choice for this TV viewing was something I had never seen before. "Why not try it" I told myself. So I did. I wander home with a dinner and a 40oz. bottle of Cool Colt. That's Colt 45 with some sort of peppermint infusion. It was sort of like mixing beer and Scope. Despite the disgusting nature of my beverage, I stuck it out to the last ounce, and went back out on the town with a mind full of 90210 and the sexiest beer breath one can possibly have.

I don't know why I am really sharing this story considering it doesn't really go anywhere. I guess I just wanted to reminisce a bit if that's OK.

Good times that Cinco de Mayo. Good times.

Terrorist Profile ... skates

On my way home from work tonight, I walk into the Exchange Place PATH station as usual. Backpack on, rollerblades in hand, tired look on my face, co-worker at my side. There are a bunch of people standing around sporting green neon mesh vests (construction worker style) that say "HOMELAND SECURITY" on the back. They have clipboards and pens and are observing everyone as they go through the turnstiles. I'm thinking they are doing a count to see how much security is needed or perhaps doing some racial profiling or whatever, but as I walk by, one of the H.S. guys looks at me and says in a low voice to the H.S. woman standing next to him, "Skates" and writes on his clipboard. I ran down the escalator and escaped apprehension.

Free.

At least for one more day.

Yeeeeehaaaaa!

This past Saturday I went to one of my most unfavorite locales in the United States of America. Long Island.

It wasn't as bad as it usually is though, because I went to see the rodeo -- bull riding to be exact. The bull riding was goin' down at stop No. 21 on the Professional Bull Riders' 2005 Built Ford Tough Series. The venue was the Nassau Coliseum in Uniondale, NY. It was my first rodeo experience and I'll have to admit, it was pretty fun. Long Islanders with cowboy hats on. Men trying to sit on the back of 1,000 pounds worth of pissed off animal and stay on for eight seconds. The whole thing was pretty ridiculous.

Here are some photos to feast your peepers on (click for larger view)

No NHL = dirt instead of ice


Intermission. The dirt Zamboni smoothes out the scene


Cowboy about to get dumped


Meg sizin' up her dream of riding in the big time

Some comments/highlights:

• A girl who sat in front of us had a tattoo on her lower back that I initially thought was the Ford logo (there's no way this chick is dating a Chevy driver). As it turns out, it wasn't a Ford logo. It looked like a Ford logo, but instead of "Ford" it said "Tina" I'm not sure which is worse.


• I was expecting a whole lot of country music, but there was very little. As a matter of fact, during the rider introductions there were very un-country selections such as "Enter Sandman" by Metallica, "Beautiful People" by Marilyn Manson and "Du Hast" by Rammstein.


• If you are ever out in the Hempstead, NY area, you might want to contact Jack at Taxi Town Cars, Inc. He has a pretty nice ride, bullshits like a champ (apparently he used to date Gwen Stefani) and gets your destination in one piece.


• I got ID'd when trying to purchase an overpriced beer. I showed the guy my ID and looked at me, looked at the ID, looked at me again and said, "What's your birth date?" I haven't gone through that routine since I was in college. Oh, by the way, in case you don't know, I'm 32-years-old.


• Meg (see photo above) thinks she'd be able to outride me if we could get in on the competition. She thinks her low center of gravity would defeat met, where I think my leg length would give me a bull torso grip advantage. I can't wait for a showdown. (I may cheat by attending some rodeo school)


• We had a brief stop at the rodeo after party at the Marriott across the parking lot. That was a scene. The riders, the crew, cowboy groupies, along with random hotel guests all in one bar makes for some sort of trouble. Unfortunately the LIRR schedule was calling the shots, so we didn't get a full dose of the fun. Next time though I'm in it for the long haul.

Air Out The Banana Hammocks

This summer is looking to be the best ever ... Cape May is finally letting me wear what I want:

N.J. Beach Town Repeals 30-Year Speedo Ban

By JOHN CURRAN, Associated Press Writer
Sat Apr 30, 7:53 PM ET

CAPE MAY, N.J. - Come on in, Speedo wearers, the water's fine: Your skimpy little swimsuits are legal now. For more than 30 years, this quaint little Victorian-themed resort at the southern tip of New Jersey said no to "skintight, formfitting or bikini type" bathing attire on males over the age of 12. For an ocean resort that once required men and women to swim at different times of day, wearing heavy woolen, cover-everything swimsuits, it made sense to modernize.

"It's a beach town, for God's sake," said Police Chief Diane Sorantino.

The town also agreed to lift a rule that stopped bare-chested men from strolling along the beachfront promenade. Not that everyone's cheering. It's often the older guys -- the ones with beer guts, or wrinkly skin, or unsightly tufts of hair -- who wear the tiny swimsuits.

"The people you want to see in the Speedos, you don't," said Maggie Creighton, 19, who works in a downtown lingerie store.

Locals who share the beaches with tourists said that despite the ban, the itsy bitsy suits have been a common sight in summer, even though most surf shops and beachwear retailers here don't sell them.

"A lot of people do come in and say 'Do you carry Speedos?' said Becky Fitzgerald, sales clerk at Della's General Store. "It's the 40- to 50-year-old group who ask. And it's funny, their bodies aren't the shape for Speedos."

The swimsuit ban was enacted in the 1960s in response to complaints about gay men who wore the suits on the beach, according to former mayor Robert Elwell, who writes a Cape May history column for a local newspaper. But the ban was rarely if ever enforced, according to the city, which voted to amend its beach regulations last week.

City Administrator Luciano Corea Jr. said the skimpy swimsuit ban was largely unknown. There was no push to eliminate it, but doing so made sense, he said. "We had no complaints, and we've never issued a summons for it, to my knowledge," said Corea. "Technically, we could've left it on the books. It was never enforced anyway."

Vince Grimm, executive director of GABLES of Cape May County, a gay advocacy organization, said the ban was outdated and holds no particular significance for gays. "We're no different than anyone else. If they (the suits) are in style, we wear them," said Grimm.

Charlotte Beheler, owner of Sports 'n Stuff, which sells Speedos for $25.95, said they're not among her top sellers. She doesn't expect any big boom in sales this summer -- or an explosion of skin on the beaches.

Neither does Speedo, which says the men's brief-style suits make up only 1 percent of the Los Angeles-based company's sales. "I could see that people may buy more, but I don't think it'll be a huge dramatic change," said Speedo marketing manager Lesley Benko. Still, some people will be watching the beaches this year just to see who's wearing what.

"I haven't been to the beach in years, but now I'm thinking I'll go down there this year," said Joann Quinn, of North Cape May. "The beach ought to be interesting this year."

Things Never Turn Out As They Should

You know that woman in Georgia that went missing just days before her wedding? Well, it turns out that she has been found, which is nice, as opposed to the usual conclusion in cases like this -- dead in a ditch somewhere -- but I have to say that I am a little disappointed that she didn't wind up being found in Mexico with some mystery boyfriend. That would have been so much more entertaining, especially since every family member and friend who was interviewed kept saying how in love she was and what a great mom she'd be. Something like this would have been cool:

Friend: "She was so in love with John. She'd never run off like this. She was so in love and really wanted to have a family. She'd be a great mom someday."

CNN: "Actually, we just received reports that she was found in Mexico with an 18-year-old man. Her motel room had a suitcase full of marijuana, an arsenal of weapons, a dead prostitute and signs of heroin use."

Friend: "Well, she was so in love with all that too."

However You Spell It

Just for the record, I prefer my seasoned sausage meat to be spelled B-o-l-o-g-n-a, but that's neither here nor there. The important thing to learn with this bit of news is that there is now legal precedent to throw your bologna (or baloney) sandwich at the deputy of your choice with no legal repercussions*.

* You may want to check with your lawyer before the throwing is performed.

Not Guilty of Assault by Baloney Sandwich

Apr 26, 2005 7:01 am US/Eastern
RIVERHEAD, Long Island -- A 47-year-old Amityville, Long Island man who was in custody has been cleared of assaulting a deputy sheriff with a baloney sandwich. The Suffolk District Attorney says the jury did find Frank Barnett guilty of obstructing governmental administration, a misdemeanor.

The D-A says it happened on April Eighth when Barnett was at the district court in Central Islip for an appearance. During a lunch break he allegedly threw his baloney sandwich at Deputy Robert Etheridge.

During the ensuing scuffle, Etheridge told the jury he suffered a back injury that kept him off the job for a month.

However, after two hours of deliberations yesterday the Suffolk jury convicted Barnett of the misdemeanor obstruction charge, and found him innocent of assault.

Slacking and/or MIA

Man, I haven't posted shit all week. Sorry for those of you who care. Things have happened, I just haven't been very motivated to type up the goings on.

Since my last post I have: gone to a beerfest, spent one of the nicest days of the year feeling hungover on the couch, gone to work, gone to class, presented a little detail on my job in front of my class (which I remarkably enjoyed), purchased plane tickets from NYC to Belize, turned one year older and went to a little company's launch party at Tribeca Rock Club.

Phewwww. Now that you are all up to speed, perhaps we can continue on as originally scheduled.

Eye In The Sky

Saturday afternoon I was heading out for some Central Park time, and up in a tree in my apartment complex is this hawk chowing down on a pigeon (click on images for a larger view). It was pretty cool:







There were some other people checking out the survival of the fittest moment. There were a bunch of entertaining comments from the onlookers. My favorite was between a guy and gal probably in their late 30's:

Guy: Oh shit, check it out.
Gal: Oh my God.
Guy walks a bit closer to the tree for a closer look
Gal: Don't get so close!
Guy: Why? They don't attack people.
Gal: You don't know that.
Guy: I know it's a bird and not a lion, plus it's already eating.

Those New Yorkers sure know their nature.

It's Not Just Tax Day

If this isn't a piece of public relations genius, I don't know what is. And everyone thought it was just tax day! Please celebrate this day with all the fury and pride we can muster. Enjoy celebrating "failure, incompetence, dissatisfaction, disillusionment, mediocrity, frustration, vengeance, cynicism, futility, chaos, apathy, anger, sarcasm, tomfoolery, buffoonery, and jackassery. Indeed, all things that suck":

April 15 Is National That Sucks Day! - When You Can Celebrate Life's Failures

SHAWNEE, Kan., April 4, 2005 -- Life isn't a utopia, it's a sucktopia. History sucks, but history has nothing on the suckable present. People have done and continue to do unspeakable things to one another. For an in-depth review, go to http://www.thatsucks.net and click on Sir Isuck Newton. Learn and understand.

Here are some cosmic constants that suck:

• Life and aging. Rigorous scientific studies have shown that most things in life suck. For starters, 10 out of 10 people die. You will be in the losing group. You will die. Of cancer or heart disease. Or both. It will be a horrible, agonizing death. By the way, have you checked your health insurance premium lately? Gotta be happy with that, or stupid beyond words.
• Love. It usually ends in split ups and divorce. Or stay together bitterness.
• Family. Your family is unquestionably a stunning collection of ill tempered, dimwitted misfits, psychos, and felons. Why do you think you're different?
• Jobs/bosses/coworkers. Your boss is a breathtakingly stupid butthole who takes credit for your best work. And blames you for his/her failures. Your coworkers are professionally inept and socially repugnant.
• Evildoers. Evildoers want to send you to hell wearing gasoline-soaked panties, and not the thong kind. They prefer granny pants cause those hold more gasoline.
• Government. Your government taxes you to death. And lies to you daily.
• You think movies are ok? Books? Service? Your car? Must we go on?

Face it, most things and people are failures. They also suck. People don't soar with the eagles; if they could get off the ground they'd soar with the seagulls. Which means they'd probably sit on a post and soil themselves.

At ThatSucks.net we celebrate failure, incompetence, dissatisfaction, disillusionment, mediocrity, frustration, vengeance, cynicism, futility, chaos, apathy, anger, sarcasm, tomfoolery, buffoonery, and jackassery. Indeed, all things that suck.

Celebrate National That Sucks Day on April 15. Remember tax day? You happy about that? Did you know the Titanic sank on that day? Well now you do.

Got something better to do on April 15? We thought not. Celebrate National That Sucks Day.

Dress 'em Up But You Can't Take 'em Out

Outside my friend Mary's wedding
Loudonville, NY
Saturday, April 9, 2005

Advert Addiction

Last night I am watching a little television before bed and a familiar bass line comes on. I look up to see a Coors Light commercial. The bass continues. It is Mountain Song by Jane's Addiction.

Of all the bands I can think of, I'd never guess Jane's Addiction would let their music be played in a commercial, let alone a beer (a crappy beer at that) commercial. The only thing I can think is that the band was just making true the lyrics: Cash in. Cash in now honey. Cash in now ...

That's Tasty

Mmmmmmmmm, taco grande ...
Seared Ahi Tuna Taco with Avocado Salsa

This Bottle Tastes Like ... Corn?

I recently read an article on a company called NatureWorks who has figured out how to make corn -- the yellow shit you like to eat during the summer -- into a polylactide polymer (PLA for those in the know). I can hear you mumbling, "What the fuck is that?" Well, PLA from what I can gather, is pretty much a plastic. A plastic made of corn that is fully biodegradable. Quite a change from regular plastic which never goes away. Ever.

So, instead of making things that are usually made out of chemicals and polymers and whatnot, they are making them out of corn. Corn that looks like plastic. I guess corn that essentially is plastic, but not.

I don't really know chemistry, but I am fascinated with this whole idea and process. I can't stop thinking about it. Everyday kinds of stuff like water bottles, plastic forks, Chinese food delivery containers, that plastic wrap around CDs, etc. is going to be made from (and already is in some cases) corn.

From fucking corn!

Smoke Signals

Watch out kids! Mom and Dad now have a new way to bust your punk ass:

Parents Now Have a Tool to Test Their Kids for Marijuana and Cigarette Use

Simple Breath Tester Reveals Marijuana and Cigarette Use

PHILADELPHIA, April 11 /PRNewswire/ -- Bedfont Scientific, a leading manufacturer of breath monitoring equipment based in Southern New Jersey, announced today that it has developed a tool that can aid parents in testing their kids for cigarette and marijuana use and it's called the Smokerlyzer(R).

(Photo: http://www.newscom.com/cgi-bin/prnh/20050411/PHM033 )

The test works on a simple breath sample with the results appearing instantly as the person breathes into the Smokerlyzer(R) carbon monoxide breath tester. Carbon monoxide is a component of both cigarette and marijuana smoke, and there are discernible differences between both substances because of the different way in which they are smoked. Marijuana use usually tends to result in higher readings on the tester. This technology has been in use for the last 20 years in clinical research and in quit smoking clinics, and now more recently by professional counselors in high schools across the U.S. Bedfont has now brought this technology to consumers in the form of a personal breath tester for $59.99.

The professional version of the technology has been extremely popular with schools all over the country, with schools in New Jersey and California leading the way. Over 100 high schools in the State of New Jersey now use professional Smokerlyzers(R) to counsel teens on the dangers of smoking cigarettes and marijuana.

"We're so excited to finally be able to bring this technology to consumers at an affordable price," says company spokesperson Jason Aversano. "For years now, we've received calls from consumers wanting to purchase our professional Smokerlyzers(R), so we knew there was a market here. We know that parents will find that the Smokerlyzer(R) is much more than a disciplinary tool and that it is far more effective as a way to show their kids the dangers of smoking these harmful substances. This is one of the reasons why it is so popular with educators and teens in schools across the country."

A test on the Smokerlyzer(R) can be conducted in a matter of seconds. So when your child walks through the door, you simply pull out your Smokerlyzer(R), conduct a test and you instantly get results. There's real value in the price too, as parents can conduct unlimited tests with the Smokerlyzer(R) and there are no additional accessories to purchase. In addition, the tester is designed to last approximately two years with heavy use.

"Parents who smoke should also be wary," Aversano added. "Kids might just be the ones buying a Smokerlyzer(R) to test their parents. Many school counselors have told us that kids are often so impressed with the monitors that they often ask to take them home to test their parents who smoke." The Smokerlyzer(R) is available at http://www.smokerlyzer.com.

SOURCE Bedfont Scientific
-0- 04/11/2005

Still Haven't Found What I'm Searching For

This past week has had some pretty good search topics that for one reason or another lead the searcher here. Here are my favorites:

• dorky duke fans (Google)
• "sheryl crow" AND "herpes" (1 on Yahoo!, 1 on Google)
• banana pants (Google)
• pyromaniac pics of burning police car (Google)
• tiffany+playboy+pictures+2005 (Google)
• celebs with herpes (1 on Yahoo!, 1 on Dogpile) note: there is a list of celebs with herpes in case you are interested right here (whether it is fact or not you can decide).
• "please molest me" (Google)
• boobs everywhere (Google)
• dear abby Iraq grandma T-shirt (Google)

Now that is what the internet is for!

It's About That Time

Jersey City, NJ
April 7, 2005
1:55pm

Eats on Wheels

Complain as I will about Jersey City, I have to say that the lunch options aren't as bad as I once believed. This recently discovered little gem called The Cafe Snack Truck (or as my co-workers and I like to refer to it as, The Burger Bus) is one of my new favorites. Located at Harborside Financial Center in Parqueado Plaza 10, it is a RV chock full of sustenance.

Before you even get your order going you can see that it will be good with just a simple glance at the back panel. Any vehicle with an illustration of a lady hot dog saying "Bite Me" has gotta be good. No?


You've got Maribez and Willy behind the counter. Maribez is mostly out of view whipping up the eats, while Willy takes the orders, then helps with some prepping and then packages everything up and collects the money. Willy is probably the friendliest guy in all of Jersey City and keeps his prices economical (i.e. bacon, egg and cheese on a roll = $2.50; hot dog = $1.00; bacon cheese burger = $4.00). Not just economical either. That dynamic duo whips up some tasty eatin'. There's a big fat menu of options and the proximity of riverside lunching can't really be beat. If you find yourself hungary in J.C. someday I suggest checking it out.

Ironically enough, despite being a cafe on wheels, The Cafe Snack Truck serves via pick ups only. No delivery. Take that for ironic, Alanis Morissette!

Spellcheck

They may demolish interiors like nobody's business, but their spelling of Brooklyn ain't so hot ...

Corner of Grand Street & Crosby Street
New York, NY

Bawk Bawk

The poultry industry mourns.
Chickens everywhere rejoice.

Frank Perdue
1920 - 2005

"It takes a tough man to raise a tender chicken."

Celebs Get That Stuff?

The other day someone got here by searching sheryl crow herpes on Google. No confirmation as of yet if the searcher was Lance Armstrong.

Lance or not, whoever you are, don't worry about it. Practically everybody has herpes these days. Whether Sheryl has 'em or not you're just going to have to deal with it.

Photos From 'Round the World

I like checking out the news photos on Yahoo! Better yet is the section of Most Viewed just so I can see what every other idiot in the country is looking at. The collection usually consists of any really big stories mixed with any photos slightly dirty, scandalous or funny.

If you scroll down on that page about halfway, over on the left column is a list of More Most Popular from Yahoo!'s other worldly sites. I like to check out what my fellow web surfers in magical lands abroad are finding of interest (this makes me more "cultured") My favorite is Italy's which is inevitably the most racy. Right now there is just a mix of hot, almost (or all the way) naked chicks with a few Pope photos. Nothing really goes together like naked chicks and PJP II. Way to keep it simple Italy.

Sharing the Same Brain (at least as far as naming blogs goes)

Look, it's another Tastes Like Burning blog ... down under style: http://scarce.disconcerting.net/

Enough With The Signs

How is it that all these protesters/supporters outside of the Michael Jackson trial and the Terri Shiavo fiasco (and I guess protests in general) don't have to be at school or work or home or wherever? It drives me fucking nuts.

---

Oh! Here's a sign holdin' guy now ...


The back of this sign?
MICHAEL, PLEASE MOLEST ME WHEN THE TRIAL IS OVER !

Friday Out; Saturday Down

Friday was co-worker Gena's last day (at least in my office) and in her "good-bye" e-mail to all of us suckers who remain, she included a little comment on everybody and I think I'll be using hers for my epitaph (even though some is not 100% accurate) --

Memorable co-worker interchanges:
Bill - telling me I grimace too much, and yelling at me all day, every day -- along with his obsession with fruit, Avril Lavigne, making out and fake vomit

Friday I went out after work for Gena's last day send drink off. I managed to drink enough that I felt like shit all day yesterday. You'd think it was my last day. I think part of my problem was the lack of food in my stomach. All I ate was some sushi for lunch and then some cake a little while later. That doesn't really absorb the beer very well. I spent the day on the couch sweating, fighting off vomit and watching my March Madness bracket continue to embarrass me. I didn't eat anything until 5:30pm, and even then I didn't have much. What happened to the days when I would just get up in the morning and go to work or class or go bike riding or hit the gym? I should not be laid out for 24+ hours just from a bit of overindulgence. Damn you decaying body!

Rise Up

These fools are almost always in Union Square when I am on my way home from work.

Along with their sign: BRING THE TROOPS HOME NOW OR FACE MUTINY, there is a lot of yelling about how we all need to rise up and do something about the injustice of the war. Perhaps they are right, but despite their threat of MUTINY their numbers have not increased at all. Months ago when I first noticed them they numbered three -- two sign holders and one "speaker" -- and are still at three today. Three doesn't sound like much of a mutiny unless this mutiny is against the president of an island nation with the population of four.

Is That a Banana In Your Pants?

Some one got to this site today because they did a search on Google for "blog monkeys in my pants Myst" (and just for the record my blog comes up first on the list of 383 results).

I don't know what the Myst part is about so I can't help you there, but if you were wondering -- hells yes, I have all kinds of blog monkeys in my pants. Come and git 'em!

Colorblind

I don't know if the color on my monitor is screwed up or what, but um, black?

http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/ap/sexy_librarian

Desiree Goodwin, an assistant librarian at Harvard University, speaks on the phone in front of a federal courthouse in Boston, Monday, March 21, 2005, after jury selection in her lawsuit. Goodwin, who has been turned down for 16 different positions at Harvard since 1999, claims in a lawsuit that the university has been discriminating against her because she's black and perceived as a 'pretty girl' whose attire is 'too sexy.' (AP Photo/Chitose Suzuki)

Two Food Groups, One Great Meal

Move over, eggs. Bacon just got a new best friend -- fudge.

- Homer J. Simpson

Mmmm bacon ...

Two Views From an Island

East to Brooklyn


and



West to Jersey City

March

I've been getting all wrapped up in March Madness. There have been some really good games and some upsets which are always cool (even though they screw up my bracket, hence cheating me out of big $$$). Right now I am 145 out of 170 in the pool I am in. That's exactly why I don't often gamble.

So far, the coolest hardwood stylings award has to go to Boise State and the Taco Bell Arena. I'm a big fan of the Bronco artwork that looks like some sort of horse/dragon lovechild. I don't know if it can breathe fire, but it certainly looks evil.

We'll see if any city in the next round can beat that.

Belly MWDs

If I learned anything in the last 24 hours it is this: Eating 12 oysters, having some beers, then eating a big, fat, spicy burrito and drinking more beers and then for lunch the next day having corned beef, cabbage and potatoes does not ... I repeat NOT, please the stomach.

You're Not the Boss of Me

I went snowboarding yesterday up at Windham Mountain with a friend and his brother. At one point we were on the lift heading up the mountain and this little girl on skis cruising along a trail that cuts across the mountain under the lift. She stops near the lip of a trail heading down to see if she was interested in trying it. When she stops, some guy following too close behind her has to screech to a halt as to avoid running her over.

The guy says to the girl, "The trail is pretty narrow here. You shouldn't just stop here like that.

The girl responds, "You can't tell me what to do. You're not my father." and goes skiing off down the trail.

7 Away From 50

I just read a study that says that 43% of New York City kids are overweight or obese.

43%!!

It's supposed to be nice out this weekend, so I recommend all you tubby little shits get out of the house and get some exercise before you die.

Red vs. Blue

Ah, college ...




A few photo notes:

1. This photo is from this link: http://www.dmbtabs.com/redick.jpg (by way of a long chain of emails). Well, I cut off the /redick.jpg portion of the URL and see that this is posted on a Dave Matthews Band site. Odd.
   
2. I like the guy with the "ly Gay" sign. If someone was to show me a lineup of everyone in the photo sans signs and ask me to try to choose who was going to fuck with those dorky Duke fans by negating their sign by holding up the word "gay" I guarantee I would choose him.
   
3. Speaking of the dorky Duke fans, you have to like them. They clearly are in the wrong section, but are still rockin' the Duke colors, jersey and sign. Big balls or just idiots? My guess is idiots.
   
4. The Duke guy without the sign can clearly see that this whole thing is going nowhere good. He should try negating the gayness.
   
5. How is it that the "ly Gay" guy has a red marker with him so he could continue on with Maryland supporting color scheme? That red marker alone deserves some sort of school spirit award.

I repeat. Ah, college ...

Walk. Don't Walk. Worship Satan.

Avenue A & 7th Street
New York, NY

VIP Winner

I've been cleaning out an old e-mail address of mine before I rid myself of it forever and found a funny communique from former college roommate and still friend, Andrew to a bunch of the us usual suspects. I was not responsible for the event which triggered the e-mail (although I do have my suspicions who is), but nevertheless it is worth bringing out, dusting off and letting the world see:

Subject: dumbasses........
Date: Fri, 17 May 2002 15:05:02 -0400

Whoever entered me into a contest at Delilah's Gentlemen's Club in Philadelphia should be happy to know that I just won a free VIP party for me and 20 guests.

I knew I was in trouble when the person that answered my phone said, "Andrew, Cathy from Delilah's Gentlemen's Club is on the phone." The whole office immediately went quiet.

I got to go. I have some explaining around here to do.

That reminds me of a little song done by many, but perfected by Dionne Warwick:

Keep smilin' keep shinin'
Knowing you can always count on me for sure
That's what friends are for
For good times and bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
That's what friends are for

Note to whoever did sign Andrew up for this little prank: If you signed him up and used a phone number other than his office number we probably would have had an enjoyable evening in Philadelphia with cheesesteaks, Yuengling and VIP treatment at a strip club. Thanks for not thinking things through.

The Crue York Stock Exchange

Economists are always analyzing their numbers and factors and trends so they can throw predictions at us like "the economy is slowly improving" or "the economy is still struggling" or whatever. Well, here's some economic environment confidence for you from yours truly and without the help from a calculator, employment statistics or spreadsheets: When Motley Crue rings the closing bell at the New York Stock Exchange you can bet your sweet ass the economy is on the upswing.


Buy! Buy! Buy!

Last Snow

I'm no meteorologist, but I'm gonna predict no more snow this season in NYC.

Last dose of the white stuff, morning of 03/01/05 ~~

The C Word is Funny

I don't know if you read Overheard in New York or not, but if not well, you should. It is pretty funny. Anyway, the first one on this posting made me laugh out loud (or LOL as assholes like to say).

I Impersonate Myself

Not that you should be preying on teen girls to begin with, but when you have teen girls buying your albums and at your shows do you need to prey on them online (allegedly, of course) impersonating the person you actually are? Impersonating yourself! That's a good one. I want to laugh at the absurdity, but when a 14-year-old is involved the humor sort of disappears. What an asshole (allegedly):

http://www.app.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20050226/NEWS03/502260365/1007
Rocker Charged in N.J. Kidnapping, Assault;
Police: Static-X guitarist used Internet to meet teen

Published in the Asbury Park Press 02/26/05
By KEN SERRANO and CHRIS JORDAN
GANNETT NEW JERSEY

OLD BRIDGE -- He told the 14-year-old Sayreville girl he was "T-Rex" and he liked to impersonate the guitarist for the heavy metal band they both liked, Static-X, authorities said.

But the 39-year-old man accused of meeting the girl through the Internet, driving from Pennsylvania and sexually assaulting her in an Old Bridge shopping center in January was no impersonator, police said.

Tod Rex Salvador, who goes by the stage name Tripp Eisen, a guitarist for Static-X, was apprehended Thursday in Orange County, Calif. by two detectives from New Jersey, authorities said.

Salvador, of Burbank, Calif., was charged with kidnapping, aggravated sexual assault, luring to entice a minor through the Internet and endangering the welfare of a child. If convicted, he faces a maximum of 30 years in prison on the kidnapping charge alone.

When Det. Scott Crocco of the Old Bridge Police Department and Det. Sgt. David Jones of the state police encountered Salvador, he had just gotten out of jail.

Police in California arrested Salvador on Feb. 10 after finding him sleeping in a parked car with a girl with whom he had just had sexual intercourse, said Jon Fleischman of the Orange County Sheriff's Department.

Salvador was charged with committing a lewd act with a child and was released after posting $100,000 bail, Fleischman said.

Following his arrest Thursday technically on a fugitive warrant from New Jersey, Salvador was turned over to the Central Men's Jail in Santa Ana, Calif. He is being held there without bail while he awaits extradition to New Jersey, authorities said.

"We've confiscated several computers to examine them to see if there are other victims," Lt. Kevin Rehmann of the New Jersey State Police said. "We suspect there may be in several other states."

Static-X is one of the most popular groups to emerge from what's known as the nu-metal scene of the late 1990s that spawned bands like Korn.

The band released its debut album, "Wisconsin Death Trip," in 1998. The album went gold, selling half a million copies. A new album is scheduled for release later this year.

A call placed to the band's publicist at Warner Bros. was not returned. A management company, The Firm, referred calls to Salvador's Los Angeles-based attorney, Mark Werksmen, who did not return calls.

Police said the Sayreville girl met Salvador on a Web Site where he used the screen name "groverygodadat" under the heading "never married male looking for female."

"He tells the girl he's a fan of the band and portrays himself to look like the guitarist in (Static-X)," Rehmann said.

He drove out to Old Bridge on Jan. 7 from Pen Argyl, Pa., in a truck belonging to a Pennsylvania relative, said Lt. Robert Weiss of the Old Bridge Police Department. Salvador, who once lived in New Jersey, was back in Pennsylvania from the West Coast on an extended holiday visit.

Police said he had consensual sex with the Sayreville girl in the truck in the parking lot of the shopping center. The girl's mother found out about the assault and went to Old Bridge detective Thomas Montagna, Weiss said.

Father of the Year

Yesterday, while walking around town I hear this snippet of conversation between a guy and two women:

Woman #1: Are you going to move?

Guy: No way am I moving. I mean I'm his father. Moving is not going to change that. Look, I talk to him, and I'm there for him and I send him money. What the fuck?

High Levels of Anticipation Leads to Disappointment

Overheard midway through a 4 mile race in Central Park this morning:

Guy 1: So these are The Gates huh?

Guy 2: Yeah. This is the first time you have seen them?

Guy 3: Yup. (pause) I think it is safe for me to say this is a disappointment.

The Name Game

It all turned out OK in the end, but maybe you Boston fans should have pulled your hands off your dicks for once, pooled your money and bid on this auction right from the beginning so a New Yorker didn't even have a chance to fuck with you. Pull your heads out of your asses Beantown:

Celtics arena will honor Jimmy Fund not Yankees' Jeter

Feb. 25, 2005
SportsLine.com wire reports

BOSTON -- Wait 'till next year, Jeter.

A New York Yankees fan whose $2,325 bid won an eBay auction giving him the one-day naming rights to the FleetCenter in Boston wanted to call it the "Derek Jeter Center," after the Yankee shortstop and captain.

But instead, Manhattan lawyer Kerry Konrad agreed Friday to call it the "Jimmy Fund Center," after a Boston friend and Red Sox fan donated an additional $6,275 to the charitable effort.

Boston real estate developer Jerry Rappaport Jr. offered to trump his buddy's bid. The total of $8,600 is in recognition of 86 years between Boston's World Series victories. The Jimmy Fund, one of the world's largest cancer charities, supports the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute. It has been the official Red Sox charity since 1953.

Konrad and Rappaport, both Harvard alums, are scheduled to be at the "Jimmy Fund Center" on Tuesday to present their donation to the charity.

Konrad's original proposal was rejected by FleetCenter president and CEO Richard Krezwick. Arena officials have reserved the right to approve or reject any winning bid.

"All names have to be rated 'G'. We determined that Derek Jeter Center is an obscene and vulgar use of the English language in Boston," Krezwick joked.

Mike Andrews, chairman of the Jimmy Fund and former Red Sox infielder, said in a statement that the Jimmy Fund "is a charity that transcends the biggest rivalry in sports, which is fitting as cancer affects everyone."

Yankees owner George Steinbrenner and manager Joe Torre have contributed to the Jimmy Fund in the past.

The FleetCenter is home to the Boston Celtics and Boston Bruins. The name became obsolete after Bank of America acquired FleetBoston Financial last year and the Charlotte, N.C., banking giant opted not to retain the naming rights.

While the arena's owner, Delaware North Cos., searches for a new long-term partner, it has been offering one-day naming rights on eBay and donating the proceeds to charity. Past winners have included an online casino and a California man who named it for his wife as a Valentine's Day present. The names are posted on signs around the arena and on the arena's website.

AP NEWS
The Associated Press News Service

Just Not Right

I watched a little American Idol tonight. I haven't watched it since the "making fun of people" rounds because I really don't care about the whole process or the winner. I'm strictly here for insults and embarrassment in those beginning rounds and then I cut my ties.

Anyway, things are now in full swing. Corny pop performances and voting people off is the name of the game now. I couldn't believe how the producers torture the contestants. They build up the "are you safe" or are you "out" so bad that it looks like people are literally having mild heart attacks while they wait for the outcome. As if that isn't bad enough, the person ousted doesn't just get shown the door; they continue to fuck with them. They tell the person they are off and then the judges give some info as to why they think the American public voted that way -- "This just wasn't your best performance" or "Your pitch was a bit off" or "That song just didn't bring out your strengths" -- then the final torture ... "Why don't you sing one more time for us and your fans?"

Not only do they sing, but they sing the same song that just got them kicked off. It wasn't good the first time around and then this time they are fighting down disappointment, apathy, anger, whatever, so it definitely doesn't sound good. What a bunch of fuckers.

I liken it to punching someone in the gut so they get the wind knocked out of them and fall to the ground. Then you say, "Man, there are all these people around. Get up so they don't think you are a pussy." and help them up to their feet and when they get there you knee them in the balls.

Now you're really an Idol loser. Come back and try again next year ... pussy.

Used Guilty Pleasures

I''ve been taking a class at NYU, which meets every Monday at 6:10pm. This is an irritating start time for me as it gives me enough time to go home after work, but if I do, I pretty much have to turn around and head to class after only a little home time or I can skip going home, but then have to entertain myself for a little while until it is time. Tonight I decided to entertain myself by hitting a CD store on St. Marks and routing through the used CDs. I wound up with a selection that is part guilty pleasure, part curiosity and part "can't beat the price." My total bill was $20.47 and here's what I got (I'll let you guess which one was only $0.88):

Survival of the Sickest by Saliva
Trixter by Trixter
re.present by Jimmie's Chicken Shack
Noise From the Basement by Skye Sweetnam ~ remember my rant about her here?

It's gonna be an awesome week of rockin' out to fairly embarrassing music.

Saffron Looks Like Orange To Me

I went to see The Gates up in C.P. last Sunday. I have been trying to evaluate how I felt about the whole thing as opposed to my usual jumping to conclusions. Well, I think my evaluation time is up. My conclusion is ... (drum roll) ... I'm not into it. I think it is a cool idea, and I like that there is something that gets so many people into the park (especially at this time of year when the weather isn't really park weather), but for the most part I can't say I was too impressed. Sure a lot of time went into it and it is wacky, but I can't really consider it art, nor do I think it really makes for any stunning sensory pleasure. Anywho, that's just me, and what do I know. I still recommend going to see it. It is worth going to see just to see it and draw your own conclusions and discuss among your friends or with strangers ... wait a minute, that is starting to sound a little bit like art! Damn.

So, I took a bunch of pictures and this is the only one I thought looked cool:

The Gates - Sunday, February 13, 2005

So Generous (that's sarcasm)

If anyone wants a Gmail e-mail address to call their very own let me know. I have many for the giving. In case you aren't in the know, Gmail is Google's free mail service. You get 1,000MB of e-mail flexibility and everybody loves that. Currently you can only get an account with an invite. So, here is your chance. If you want one just drop me an e-mail and I'll get one right over to ya.

T & DG

I have a subscription to Playboy, and have had it for a few years now. I'm not much for magazines. In most cases they suck. I was a big fan of POPsmear until it took a swandive (hell, I even had an honorable mention in a contest of theirs), Esquire is OK, and lately I have had an unnatural amount of fun(?) reading Business 2.0, but Playboy is hands down my favorite. I know this sounds corny and rather stereotypical, but I'm going to say it anyway -- I do read the articles. I have read every Playboy ever placed into my mailbox from cover to cover. The females in all honesty get pretty tired after awhile. But, before you start yelling "he's gay" first I will assure you that is not the case and let me wrap up this post with this tidbit: This month Debbie Gibson is featured. Yes, nude. Back in April of 2002 Tiffany was in there too.

Funny, how back in 1987 when those two were on every boy's mind and Debbie and Tiffany were all packed away in their sweaters and jean jackets. Only now, 18 years later, when my curiosity has dwindled are the fantasies finally revealed.

I think back in the day Tiffany was always the cheesier of the two and less talented too (hence the short-lived career I guess). Well, it remains the same in the Playboy world too. Tiffany had to run with the breast implants, meanwhile Debbie is just doing her thing as is.

I don't really know where I was going with all this, so I'll just end this madness. Nice work Debbie. Nice work Playboy.

9 West 57th Street

To ______ ...

... with love.

On this Valentine's Day and the day following the Super Bowl of music award shows, I'd like to steal a little page out of Craig Kilborn's book of tricks called To ____ With Love to express my feelings towards the GRAMMY Awards.

To the GRAMMY producers with love: That opening sequence was a bit overboard. You started the whole show with a finale. That's when you lost me to The Simpsons.

To Jamie Fox with love: You're not actually Ray Charles

To JLo and Marc Anthony with love: You sound like shit and your marriage makes me a little sick to my stomach. Oh, and your performance sucked too.

To the GRAMMY rule makers/decision makers with love: Maroon 5 should not be winning for "new artist". Their first major label album was released in 2002.

To Kanye West, Alicia Keys and Green Day with love: Thanks for saving the show.

To Joss Stone with love: I'm not a big Janis Joplin fan, but you make it her stuff a bit more tolerable.

To the lighting guy with love: Ease up on the strobe lights. I was on the verge of a seizure for the majority of the show.

To Loretta Lynn & Jack White with love: Whatever is going on between you is creepy. Please stop.

To the "helping the world" supergroup with love: The "Across the Universe" Tsunami relief jamboree was embarrassing. I think you could have raised more money if you started playing and said you would stop when a certain amount of money was raised. I would have thrown some cash your way with the quickness just for ear comfort.

To retarded voters with love: Not that it was presented during the show, but I did notice on the bottom of the screen mention that Britney Spears won for Best Dance Recording. Better than Basement Jaxx or the Chemical Brothers? It's not like Britney wrote anything she performed. Good grief.

To Lance Armstrong & Sheryl Crow with love: Sheryl, that dress and your comments about it being make from Lance's yellow jerseys may have been a bit unnecessary, but when you are probably the hottest 43 year old out there (actually, you're hotter than most ladies 10 years younger too) you can do what you want. Lance, you look awkward, almost guilty when you are hanging with Sheryl. Enjoy yourself man, things ain't so bad.

To academy president Neil Portnow with love: Do you think anyone was buying into your speech about how helpful and caring musicians are and how illegal downloading stealing from them? Something stinks ... it's you!

Happy Valentine's Day everybody. I hope it treats you well (except you Neil Portnow, and while I'm thinking about it, you too Bono).

Just Like 1996

I went out last night (Friday) with my friend Sara who was in town visiting from Minnesota -- the Land of 10,000 Lakes. I met Sara my first summer in NYC, way back in 1996. We both had internships here in the city of big dreams and were both living in an NYU dorm for seven weeks. There was a lot of going out that summer. When I say a lot I mean everyday. Our schedule would be something like this: get up, go to breakfast, go to work, come home, go out, drink, see a band, drink, eat a slice of pizza, go to sleep, get up, feel like shit and say "I'm not doing that again for awhile", go get breakfast, go to work, come home, go out, drink, etc. It wasn't exactly healthy.

Anyway, Sara and I had the bad habit of not knowing when to pack it in. The rest of our posse would head home and we would inevitably stay out for "one more beer." There were more than a few times we would wake up on the couches in the back of the now defunct Looking Glass with a mostly full pint of beer in hand.

Well, last night started off with dinner (you know adult stuff), but turned into drinks afterwards. As our group drifted off, guess who the last idiots out were? Eight years later and we aren't any smarter apparently.

Unlike eight years ago, I don't bounce back quite as nicely these days. I felt like shit all day and didn't even leave my apartment. Damn you booze!! Damn you all to hell!!!

I appreciated the visit, but I think it is probably good she moved back to Minnesota after that summer or we would probably both be in a lot of trouble.

Low-riding Bill

Dear CNN,

Please clarify this headline: Bill sets fine for low-riding pants

In no way was this particular Bill or any other Bill that I know of involved in this rediculous bill or the possible enforcement of such. You are giving my name a bad name.

Thanks a lot assholes.

Sincerely,
Bill

Powerplant. Powerplan.

This building is right near my place of employment.
Mike and I have been working up a master plan which would enable us to purchase that monstrosity and convert it into the bitchin'est living quarters/den of sin Jersey City has ever seen! I have visions of indoor basketball court/Wiffle Ball stadium, rooftop pool/sun deck/garden and maybe a slide out my window, down to the ground as to cut down on my commute time. The exterior brick walls are 28" thick, which sound like it should be well insulated from the cold or winter and the hot of summer and may withstand the explosions of suicide bombers too. There is ample parking for those who like to drive and it is convenient to public transport too. It's gonna be awesome!

I was just doing some research on the matter and found that our desired old powerhouse, built way back in 1906 is on the National Register of Historic Places. Our plan gets cooler by the second. There is even a web site devoted to the ol' beast here. I like these pluses:

• The Powerhouse is in a State Urban Enterprise Zone and qualifies for grants, low interest loans, reduced sales taxes and other benefits.

Sweet.

• Because the building is eligible for historic designation, historic tax credits equal to 20% of redevelopment costs would be available.

Yes.

• New Jersey's new adaptive re-use building codes save 10% - 30% on renovation.

Excellent.

Now, I am guessing, despite all these fine money-saving points this may still be a bit out of our price range, so I am willing to accept donations of materials, gear, money, labor, legal assistance, suggestions, etc. In exchange you can consider yourself always welcome for some swimming, Wiffle Ball or sliding down my window slide AND when the place is properly sectioned off into individual apartments you can have one at a reduced rate.

I can't wait.

What About Bob?

So, I am walking home this evening and take a glance at the Empire State Building to see how she's doing and I notice that the lights are red, green and yellow. I had just read earlier how people have been celebrating Bob Marley's 60th birthday (if he wasn't dead that is), so I thought it was rather nice for NYC to honor that whole thing. I snapped a quick photo which came out rather blurry, but I decided I liked it blurry -- probably how it would look if I had been puffin' some wacky tobacky -- just as Bob would have wanted I imagine.

Well, after a little research on the subject of ESB lighting it turns out I was wrong about the Bob Marley thing. The color scheme is actually for Grenada's independence. Now the photo blur just doesn't have the same warm feeling to it anymore.

Well, Happy Birthday anyway Bob.

The Daylight Cometh

NYC from JC - 06:56am

Religious Herp

I know I have been a little hung up on news stories as of late, but things have been so strange in the world of news, how can I ignore it?

This news is nuts. I'll give you two reasons for that: (1) that this even happened to begin with and (2) how it happened. As if the world doesn't have enough issues with herpes ...

Rabbi May Have Spread Herpes With Circumcisions

By the way, if the headline wasn't enough to get you to read this little article, check out this quote by my wife after I had read this article to her over the phone: "What the fuck!? Religious or not, you shouldn't be putting your mouth on a little boy's dingdong"(see orange text below).

Feb 2, 2005 6:35 am US/Eastern
NEW YORK -- City health officials are investigating the death of a baby boy who was one of three infants to contract herpes after a Rockland County-based rabbi circumcised them.

Ten days after Rabbi Yitzhok Fischer performed a bris, or religious circumcision, on twins last October, one infant died of herpes and the other tested positive for the virus, according to Wednesday's edition of the Daily News.

Health officials later found a third baby, on Staten Island, that tested positive for herpes and was circumcised by Fischer in late 2003.

Under Jewish law, a mohel -- someone who performs circumcisions -- draws blood from the circumcision wound. Most mohels do it by hand, but Fischer uses a rare practice where he uses his mouth, called "metzizah bi peh."

The city "is concerned that the possible transmission of herpes simplex virus type 1 in infants may be continuing as a result of defendant's practice of metzizah bi peh," city lawyers wrote in the Dec. 22 complaint filed in Manhattan Supreme Court.

Fischer's lawyer, Mark Kurzmann, told the Daily News that Fischer was cooperating with the investigation, although it's unclear whether Fischer submitted to the city's request for a blood test.

"My client is known internationally as a caring, skilled, and conscientious mohel," Kurzmann said.

Two Letters

I know Abigail Van Buren aka Dear Abby is now 86, and 86-year-old ladies are supposed to be sensitive, wise and nice. Nevertheless I wish she would tell some people to "fuck off" once in awhile.

Here is a letter from her column this week:

DEAR ABBY: My son, "Adam," came home from Iraq for a two-week visit. He brought with him some T-shirts for his father, his sister and me. They were last-minute purchases. Now my mother is furious that she didn't get a souvenir from Iraq.

Our extended family is huge, and Adam didn't have room to bring something for everyone. No one else in the family is upset about it. They're just glad he came home healthy and safe.

My mother complained to her sister, "Irene," and Aunt Irene sent Adam a card in Iraq ordering him to send my mother something. It upset him because he barely knows Aunt Irene.

When I defended my son, Mother said: "I am the grandmother. I should have gotten something." I told her no one expected anything from him.

Is she being unreasonable or am I? Adam is furious that this nonsense is going on while he's risking his life in Baghdad. I will forward your response to him. -- PROUD MOM IN OHIO

Here is Abby's response:

DEAR PROUD MOM: Please tell Adam that he is in my thoughts and prayers for his safe return from a dangerous tour of duty -- which his grandmother apparently has confused with a sightseeing tour. Your son doesn't owe anyone a gift. His gift to the family will be his safe return.

Here's what I wish she said:

DEAR PROUD MOM:
I can't believe your son even brought home T-shirts. The kid was over in stinky Iraq with people plotting to suicide bomb his ass, shooting at him and worse, yet he thought to bring something to his family? That's pretty nice. Also, I have a hard time believing there are T-shirts in Iraq to buy. What do they say on them?

Baghdad, Iraq 12631

or

My son fought for freedom in Iraq and all I got was this lousy T-shirt

Anyway, tell your son to send a proper gift to grandma. I suggest not even waiting for his next visit home. He should pack up and mail something really Iraq. A real souvenir, not some shitty T-shirt. Something like a camel spider, a leg blown off by a landmine or perhaps the charred human ribs of a suicide bomber. "Adam" might also want to take a shit in a poster tube and mail it to Aunt "Irene" so she doesn't feel left out of the souvenir handout. What a bunch of assholes you have in your family!

Tell "Adam" I am proud of him and to be safe out there.

PS The fact that you had to write to get verification that your mother and her sister are in the wrong concerns me as well. Please slap yourself. Harder. And again.

Butthead

I don't know that this "news" story is all that interesting or informative, but the headline deserves a fucking award of some sort:

Study: Smoking Makes Teenagers Stupid

Feb 1, 2005 1:48 pm US/Eastern
(1010 WINS) (NEW HAVEN, Conn.) Parents have been telling teens for years that smoking is stupid. Now, a study suggests it can make teens stupid.

The Yale School of Medicine study found that teenage smokers scored significantly poorer on working memory tests than nonsmokers. The gap between smokers and nonsmokers widened as smokers went through nicotine withdrawal.

Working memory is used to keep information in mind and manipulate it. The study of 73 adolescents was published in the January issue of Biological Psychiatry.

Earlier studies have linked cigarettes to memory problems in adults.

"These findings underscore the importance of efforts aimed at preventing smoking initiation in adolescents," said Dr. Leslie Jacobsen, a Yale professor and researcher. "They also show adolescents who are trying to quit smoking may need additional educational support."