VIP Winner

I've been cleaning out an old e-mail address of mine before I rid myself of it forever and found a funny communique from former college roommate and still friend, Andrew to a bunch of the us usual suspects. I was not responsible for the event which triggered the e-mail (although I do have my suspicions who is), but nevertheless it is worth bringing out, dusting off and letting the world see:

Subject: dumbasses........
Date: Fri, 17 May 2002 15:05:02 -0400

Whoever entered me into a contest at Delilah's Gentlemen's Club in Philadelphia should be happy to know that I just won a free VIP party for me and 20 guests.

I knew I was in trouble when the person that answered my phone said, "Andrew, Cathy from Delilah's Gentlemen's Club is on the phone." The whole office immediately went quiet.

I got to go. I have some explaining around here to do.

That reminds me of a little song done by many, but perfected by Dionne Warwick:

Keep smilin' keep shinin'
Knowing you can always count on me for sure
That's what friends are for
For good times and bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
That's what friends are for

Note to whoever did sign Andrew up for this little prank: If you signed him up and used a phone number other than his office number we probably would have had an enjoyable evening in Philadelphia with cheesesteaks, Yuengling and VIP treatment at a strip club. Thanks for not thinking things through.

The Crue York Stock Exchange

Economists are always analyzing their numbers and factors and trends so they can throw predictions at us like "the economy is slowly improving" or "the economy is still struggling" or whatever. Well, here's some economic environment confidence for you from yours truly and without the help from a calculator, employment statistics or spreadsheets: When Motley Crue rings the closing bell at the New York Stock Exchange you can bet your sweet ass the economy is on the upswing.


Buy! Buy! Buy!

Last Snow

I'm no meteorologist, but I'm gonna predict no more snow this season in NYC.

Last dose of the white stuff, morning of 03/01/05 ~~

The C Word is Funny

I don't know if you read Overheard in New York or not, but if not well, you should. It is pretty funny. Anyway, the first one on this posting made me laugh out loud (or LOL as assholes like to say).

I Impersonate Myself

Not that you should be preying on teen girls to begin with, but when you have teen girls buying your albums and at your shows do you need to prey on them online (allegedly, of course) impersonating the person you actually are? Impersonating yourself! That's a good one. I want to laugh at the absurdity, but when a 14-year-old is involved the humor sort of disappears. What an asshole (allegedly):

http://www.app.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20050226/NEWS03/502260365/1007
Rocker Charged in N.J. Kidnapping, Assault;
Police: Static-X guitarist used Internet to meet teen

Published in the Asbury Park Press 02/26/05
By KEN SERRANO and CHRIS JORDAN
GANNETT NEW JERSEY

OLD BRIDGE -- He told the 14-year-old Sayreville girl he was "T-Rex" and he liked to impersonate the guitarist for the heavy metal band they both liked, Static-X, authorities said.

But the 39-year-old man accused of meeting the girl through the Internet, driving from Pennsylvania and sexually assaulting her in an Old Bridge shopping center in January was no impersonator, police said.

Tod Rex Salvador, who goes by the stage name Tripp Eisen, a guitarist for Static-X, was apprehended Thursday in Orange County, Calif. by two detectives from New Jersey, authorities said.

Salvador, of Burbank, Calif., was charged with kidnapping, aggravated sexual assault, luring to entice a minor through the Internet and endangering the welfare of a child. If convicted, he faces a maximum of 30 years in prison on the kidnapping charge alone.

When Det. Scott Crocco of the Old Bridge Police Department and Det. Sgt. David Jones of the state police encountered Salvador, he had just gotten out of jail.

Police in California arrested Salvador on Feb. 10 after finding him sleeping in a parked car with a girl with whom he had just had sexual intercourse, said Jon Fleischman of the Orange County Sheriff's Department.

Salvador was charged with committing a lewd act with a child and was released after posting $100,000 bail, Fleischman said.

Following his arrest Thursday technically on a fugitive warrant from New Jersey, Salvador was turned over to the Central Men's Jail in Santa Ana, Calif. He is being held there without bail while he awaits extradition to New Jersey, authorities said.

"We've confiscated several computers to examine them to see if there are other victims," Lt. Kevin Rehmann of the New Jersey State Police said. "We suspect there may be in several other states."

Static-X is one of the most popular groups to emerge from what's known as the nu-metal scene of the late 1990s that spawned bands like Korn.

The band released its debut album, "Wisconsin Death Trip," in 1998. The album went gold, selling half a million copies. A new album is scheduled for release later this year.

A call placed to the band's publicist at Warner Bros. was not returned. A management company, The Firm, referred calls to Salvador's Los Angeles-based attorney, Mark Werksmen, who did not return calls.

Police said the Sayreville girl met Salvador on a Web Site where he used the screen name "groverygodadat" under the heading "never married male looking for female."

"He tells the girl he's a fan of the band and portrays himself to look like the guitarist in (Static-X)," Rehmann said.

He drove out to Old Bridge on Jan. 7 from Pen Argyl, Pa., in a truck belonging to a Pennsylvania relative, said Lt. Robert Weiss of the Old Bridge Police Department. Salvador, who once lived in New Jersey, was back in Pennsylvania from the West Coast on an extended holiday visit.

Police said he had consensual sex with the Sayreville girl in the truck in the parking lot of the shopping center. The girl's mother found out about the assault and went to Old Bridge detective Thomas Montagna, Weiss said.

Father of the Year

Yesterday, while walking around town I hear this snippet of conversation between a guy and two women:

Woman #1: Are you going to move?

Guy: No way am I moving. I mean I'm his father. Moving is not going to change that. Look, I talk to him, and I'm there for him and I send him money. What the fuck?

High Levels of Anticipation Leads to Disappointment

Overheard midway through a 4 mile race in Central Park this morning:

Guy 1: So these are The Gates huh?

Guy 2: Yeah. This is the first time you have seen them?

Guy 3: Yup. (pause) I think it is safe for me to say this is a disappointment.

The Name Game

It all turned out OK in the end, but maybe you Boston fans should have pulled your hands off your dicks for once, pooled your money and bid on this auction right from the beginning so a New Yorker didn't even have a chance to fuck with you. Pull your heads out of your asses Beantown:

Celtics arena will honor Jimmy Fund not Yankees' Jeter

Feb. 25, 2005
SportsLine.com wire reports

BOSTON -- Wait 'till next year, Jeter.

A New York Yankees fan whose $2,325 bid won an eBay auction giving him the one-day naming rights to the FleetCenter in Boston wanted to call it the "Derek Jeter Center," after the Yankee shortstop and captain.

But instead, Manhattan lawyer Kerry Konrad agreed Friday to call it the "Jimmy Fund Center," after a Boston friend and Red Sox fan donated an additional $6,275 to the charitable effort.

Boston real estate developer Jerry Rappaport Jr. offered to trump his buddy's bid. The total of $8,600 is in recognition of 86 years between Boston's World Series victories. The Jimmy Fund, one of the world's largest cancer charities, supports the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute. It has been the official Red Sox charity since 1953.

Konrad and Rappaport, both Harvard alums, are scheduled to be at the "Jimmy Fund Center" on Tuesday to present their donation to the charity.

Konrad's original proposal was rejected by FleetCenter president and CEO Richard Krezwick. Arena officials have reserved the right to approve or reject any winning bid.

"All names have to be rated 'G'. We determined that Derek Jeter Center is an obscene and vulgar use of the English language in Boston," Krezwick joked.

Mike Andrews, chairman of the Jimmy Fund and former Red Sox infielder, said in a statement that the Jimmy Fund "is a charity that transcends the biggest rivalry in sports, which is fitting as cancer affects everyone."

Yankees owner George Steinbrenner and manager Joe Torre have contributed to the Jimmy Fund in the past.

The FleetCenter is home to the Boston Celtics and Boston Bruins. The name became obsolete after Bank of America acquired FleetBoston Financial last year and the Charlotte, N.C., banking giant opted not to retain the naming rights.

While the arena's owner, Delaware North Cos., searches for a new long-term partner, it has been offering one-day naming rights on eBay and donating the proceeds to charity. Past winners have included an online casino and a California man who named it for his wife as a Valentine's Day present. The names are posted on signs around the arena and on the arena's website.

AP NEWS
The Associated Press News Service

Just Not Right

I watched a little American Idol tonight. I haven't watched it since the "making fun of people" rounds because I really don't care about the whole process or the winner. I'm strictly here for insults and embarrassment in those beginning rounds and then I cut my ties.

Anyway, things are now in full swing. Corny pop performances and voting people off is the name of the game now. I couldn't believe how the producers torture the contestants. They build up the "are you safe" or are you "out" so bad that it looks like people are literally having mild heart attacks while they wait for the outcome. As if that isn't bad enough, the person ousted doesn't just get shown the door; they continue to fuck with them. They tell the person they are off and then the judges give some info as to why they think the American public voted that way -- "This just wasn't your best performance" or "Your pitch was a bit off" or "That song just didn't bring out your strengths" -- then the final torture ... "Why don't you sing one more time for us and your fans?"

Not only do they sing, but they sing the same song that just got them kicked off. It wasn't good the first time around and then this time they are fighting down disappointment, apathy, anger, whatever, so it definitely doesn't sound good. What a bunch of fuckers.

I liken it to punching someone in the gut so they get the wind knocked out of them and fall to the ground. Then you say, "Man, there are all these people around. Get up so they don't think you are a pussy." and help them up to their feet and when they get there you knee them in the balls.

Now you're really an Idol loser. Come back and try again next year ... pussy.

Used Guilty Pleasures

I''ve been taking a class at NYU, which meets every Monday at 6:10pm. This is an irritating start time for me as it gives me enough time to go home after work, but if I do, I pretty much have to turn around and head to class after only a little home time or I can skip going home, but then have to entertain myself for a little while until it is time. Tonight I decided to entertain myself by hitting a CD store on St. Marks and routing through the used CDs. I wound up with a selection that is part guilty pleasure, part curiosity and part "can't beat the price." My total bill was $20.47 and here's what I got (I'll let you guess which one was only $0.88):

Survival of the Sickest by Saliva
Trixter by Trixter
re.present by Jimmie's Chicken Shack
Noise From the Basement by Skye Sweetnam ~ remember my rant about her here?

It's gonna be an awesome week of rockin' out to fairly embarrassing music.

Saffron Looks Like Orange To Me

I went to see The Gates up in C.P. last Sunday. I have been trying to evaluate how I felt about the whole thing as opposed to my usual jumping to conclusions. Well, I think my evaluation time is up. My conclusion is ... (drum roll) ... I'm not into it. I think it is a cool idea, and I like that there is something that gets so many people into the park (especially at this time of year when the weather isn't really park weather), but for the most part I can't say I was too impressed. Sure a lot of time went into it and it is wacky, but I can't really consider it art, nor do I think it really makes for any stunning sensory pleasure. Anywho, that's just me, and what do I know. I still recommend going to see it. It is worth going to see just to see it and draw your own conclusions and discuss among your friends or with strangers ... wait a minute, that is starting to sound a little bit like art! Damn.

So, I took a bunch of pictures and this is the only one I thought looked cool:

The Gates - Sunday, February 13, 2005

So Generous (that's sarcasm)

If anyone wants a Gmail e-mail address to call their very own let me know. I have many for the giving. In case you aren't in the know, Gmail is Google's free mail service. You get 1,000MB of e-mail flexibility and everybody loves that. Currently you can only get an account with an invite. So, here is your chance. If you want one just drop me an e-mail and I'll get one right over to ya.

T & DG

I have a subscription to Playboy, and have had it for a few years now. I'm not much for magazines. In most cases they suck. I was a big fan of POPsmear until it took a swandive (hell, I even had an honorable mention in a contest of theirs), Esquire is OK, and lately I have had an unnatural amount of fun(?) reading Business 2.0, but Playboy is hands down my favorite. I know this sounds corny and rather stereotypical, but I'm going to say it anyway -- I do read the articles. I have read every Playboy ever placed into my mailbox from cover to cover. The females in all honesty get pretty tired after awhile. But, before you start yelling "he's gay" first I will assure you that is not the case and let me wrap up this post with this tidbit: This month Debbie Gibson is featured. Yes, nude. Back in April of 2002 Tiffany was in there too.

Funny, how back in 1987 when those two were on every boy's mind and Debbie and Tiffany were all packed away in their sweaters and jean jackets. Only now, 18 years later, when my curiosity has dwindled are the fantasies finally revealed.

I think back in the day Tiffany was always the cheesier of the two and less talented too (hence the short-lived career I guess). Well, it remains the same in the Playboy world too. Tiffany had to run with the breast implants, meanwhile Debbie is just doing her thing as is.

I don't really know where I was going with all this, so I'll just end this madness. Nice work Debbie. Nice work Playboy.

9 West 57th Street

To ______ ...

... with love.

On this Valentine's Day and the day following the Super Bowl of music award shows, I'd like to steal a little page out of Craig Kilborn's book of tricks called To ____ With Love to express my feelings towards the GRAMMY Awards.

To the GRAMMY producers with love: That opening sequence was a bit overboard. You started the whole show with a finale. That's when you lost me to The Simpsons.

To Jamie Fox with love: You're not actually Ray Charles

To JLo and Marc Anthony with love: You sound like shit and your marriage makes me a little sick to my stomach. Oh, and your performance sucked too.

To the GRAMMY rule makers/decision makers with love: Maroon 5 should not be winning for "new artist". Their first major label album was released in 2002.

To Kanye West, Alicia Keys and Green Day with love: Thanks for saving the show.

To Joss Stone with love: I'm not a big Janis Joplin fan, but you make it her stuff a bit more tolerable.

To the lighting guy with love: Ease up on the strobe lights. I was on the verge of a seizure for the majority of the show.

To Loretta Lynn & Jack White with love: Whatever is going on between you is creepy. Please stop.

To the "helping the world" supergroup with love: The "Across the Universe" Tsunami relief jamboree was embarrassing. I think you could have raised more money if you started playing and said you would stop when a certain amount of money was raised. I would have thrown some cash your way with the quickness just for ear comfort.

To retarded voters with love: Not that it was presented during the show, but I did notice on the bottom of the screen mention that Britney Spears won for Best Dance Recording. Better than Basement Jaxx or the Chemical Brothers? It's not like Britney wrote anything she performed. Good grief.

To Lance Armstrong & Sheryl Crow with love: Sheryl, that dress and your comments about it being make from Lance's yellow jerseys may have been a bit unnecessary, but when you are probably the hottest 43 year old out there (actually, you're hotter than most ladies 10 years younger too) you can do what you want. Lance, you look awkward, almost guilty when you are hanging with Sheryl. Enjoy yourself man, things ain't so bad.

To academy president Neil Portnow with love: Do you think anyone was buying into your speech about how helpful and caring musicians are and how illegal downloading stealing from them? Something stinks ... it's you!

Happy Valentine's Day everybody. I hope it treats you well (except you Neil Portnow, and while I'm thinking about it, you too Bono).

Just Like 1996

I went out last night (Friday) with my friend Sara who was in town visiting from Minnesota -- the Land of 10,000 Lakes. I met Sara my first summer in NYC, way back in 1996. We both had internships here in the city of big dreams and were both living in an NYU dorm for seven weeks. There was a lot of going out that summer. When I say a lot I mean everyday. Our schedule would be something like this: get up, go to breakfast, go to work, come home, go out, drink, see a band, drink, eat a slice of pizza, go to sleep, get up, feel like shit and say "I'm not doing that again for awhile", go get breakfast, go to work, come home, go out, drink, etc. It wasn't exactly healthy.

Anyway, Sara and I had the bad habit of not knowing when to pack it in. The rest of our posse would head home and we would inevitably stay out for "one more beer." There were more than a few times we would wake up on the couches in the back of the now defunct Looking Glass with a mostly full pint of beer in hand.

Well, last night started off with dinner (you know adult stuff), but turned into drinks afterwards. As our group drifted off, guess who the last idiots out were? Eight years later and we aren't any smarter apparently.

Unlike eight years ago, I don't bounce back quite as nicely these days. I felt like shit all day and didn't even leave my apartment. Damn you booze!! Damn you all to hell!!!

I appreciated the visit, but I think it is probably good she moved back to Minnesota after that summer or we would probably both be in a lot of trouble.

Low-riding Bill

Dear CNN,

Please clarify this headline: Bill sets fine for low-riding pants

In no way was this particular Bill or any other Bill that I know of involved in this rediculous bill or the possible enforcement of such. You are giving my name a bad name.

Thanks a lot assholes.

Sincerely,
Bill

Powerplant. Powerplan.

This building is right near my place of employment.
Mike and I have been working up a master plan which would enable us to purchase that monstrosity and convert it into the bitchin'est living quarters/den of sin Jersey City has ever seen! I have visions of indoor basketball court/Wiffle Ball stadium, rooftop pool/sun deck/garden and maybe a slide out my window, down to the ground as to cut down on my commute time. The exterior brick walls are 28" thick, which sound like it should be well insulated from the cold or winter and the hot of summer and may withstand the explosions of suicide bombers too. There is ample parking for those who like to drive and it is convenient to public transport too. It's gonna be awesome!

I was just doing some research on the matter and found that our desired old powerhouse, built way back in 1906 is on the National Register of Historic Places. Our plan gets cooler by the second. There is even a web site devoted to the ol' beast here. I like these pluses:

• The Powerhouse is in a State Urban Enterprise Zone and qualifies for grants, low interest loans, reduced sales taxes and other benefits.

Sweet.

• Because the building is eligible for historic designation, historic tax credits equal to 20% of redevelopment costs would be available.

Yes.

• New Jersey's new adaptive re-use building codes save 10% - 30% on renovation.

Excellent.

Now, I am guessing, despite all these fine money-saving points this may still be a bit out of our price range, so I am willing to accept donations of materials, gear, money, labor, legal assistance, suggestions, etc. In exchange you can consider yourself always welcome for some swimming, Wiffle Ball or sliding down my window slide AND when the place is properly sectioned off into individual apartments you can have one at a reduced rate.

I can't wait.

What About Bob?

So, I am walking home this evening and take a glance at the Empire State Building to see how she's doing and I notice that the lights are red, green and yellow. I had just read earlier how people have been celebrating Bob Marley's 60th birthday (if he wasn't dead that is), so I thought it was rather nice for NYC to honor that whole thing. I snapped a quick photo which came out rather blurry, but I decided I liked it blurry -- probably how it would look if I had been puffin' some wacky tobacky -- just as Bob would have wanted I imagine.

Well, after a little research on the subject of ESB lighting it turns out I was wrong about the Bob Marley thing. The color scheme is actually for Grenada's independence. Now the photo blur just doesn't have the same warm feeling to it anymore.

Well, Happy Birthday anyway Bob.

The Daylight Cometh

NYC from JC - 06:56am

Religious Herp

I know I have been a little hung up on news stories as of late, but things have been so strange in the world of news, how can I ignore it?

This news is nuts. I'll give you two reasons for that: (1) that this even happened to begin with and (2) how it happened. As if the world doesn't have enough issues with herpes ...

Rabbi May Have Spread Herpes With Circumcisions

By the way, if the headline wasn't enough to get you to read this little article, check out this quote by my wife after I had read this article to her over the phone: "What the fuck!? Religious or not, you shouldn't be putting your mouth on a little boy's dingdong"(see orange text below).

Feb 2, 2005 6:35 am US/Eastern
NEW YORK -- City health officials are investigating the death of a baby boy who was one of three infants to contract herpes after a Rockland County-based rabbi circumcised them.

Ten days after Rabbi Yitzhok Fischer performed a bris, or religious circumcision, on twins last October, one infant died of herpes and the other tested positive for the virus, according to Wednesday's edition of the Daily News.

Health officials later found a third baby, on Staten Island, that tested positive for herpes and was circumcised by Fischer in late 2003.

Under Jewish law, a mohel -- someone who performs circumcisions -- draws blood from the circumcision wound. Most mohels do it by hand, but Fischer uses a rare practice where he uses his mouth, called "metzizah bi peh."

The city "is concerned that the possible transmission of herpes simplex virus type 1 in infants may be continuing as a result of defendant's practice of metzizah bi peh," city lawyers wrote in the Dec. 22 complaint filed in Manhattan Supreme Court.

Fischer's lawyer, Mark Kurzmann, told the Daily News that Fischer was cooperating with the investigation, although it's unclear whether Fischer submitted to the city's request for a blood test.

"My client is known internationally as a caring, skilled, and conscientious mohel," Kurzmann said.

Two Letters

I know Abigail Van Buren aka Dear Abby is now 86, and 86-year-old ladies are supposed to be sensitive, wise and nice. Nevertheless I wish she would tell some people to "fuck off" once in awhile.

Here is a letter from her column this week:

DEAR ABBY: My son, "Adam," came home from Iraq for a two-week visit. He brought with him some T-shirts for his father, his sister and me. They were last-minute purchases. Now my mother is furious that she didn't get a souvenir from Iraq.

Our extended family is huge, and Adam didn't have room to bring something for everyone. No one else in the family is upset about it. They're just glad he came home healthy and safe.

My mother complained to her sister, "Irene," and Aunt Irene sent Adam a card in Iraq ordering him to send my mother something. It upset him because he barely knows Aunt Irene.

When I defended my son, Mother said: "I am the grandmother. I should have gotten something." I told her no one expected anything from him.

Is she being unreasonable or am I? Adam is furious that this nonsense is going on while he's risking his life in Baghdad. I will forward your response to him. -- PROUD MOM IN OHIO

Here is Abby's response:

DEAR PROUD MOM: Please tell Adam that he is in my thoughts and prayers for his safe return from a dangerous tour of duty -- which his grandmother apparently has confused with a sightseeing tour. Your son doesn't owe anyone a gift. His gift to the family will be his safe return.

Here's what I wish she said:

DEAR PROUD MOM:
I can't believe your son even brought home T-shirts. The kid was over in stinky Iraq with people plotting to suicide bomb his ass, shooting at him and worse, yet he thought to bring something to his family? That's pretty nice. Also, I have a hard time believing there are T-shirts in Iraq to buy. What do they say on them?

Baghdad, Iraq 12631

or

My son fought for freedom in Iraq and all I got was this lousy T-shirt

Anyway, tell your son to send a proper gift to grandma. I suggest not even waiting for his next visit home. He should pack up and mail something really Iraq. A real souvenir, not some shitty T-shirt. Something like a camel spider, a leg blown off by a landmine or perhaps the charred human ribs of a suicide bomber. "Adam" might also want to take a shit in a poster tube and mail it to Aunt "Irene" so she doesn't feel left out of the souvenir handout. What a bunch of assholes you have in your family!

Tell "Adam" I am proud of him and to be safe out there.

PS The fact that you had to write to get verification that your mother and her sister are in the wrong concerns me as well. Please slap yourself. Harder. And again.

Butthead

I don't know that this "news" story is all that interesting or informative, but the headline deserves a fucking award of some sort:

Study: Smoking Makes Teenagers Stupid

Feb 1, 2005 1:48 pm US/Eastern
(1010 WINS) (NEW HAVEN, Conn.) Parents have been telling teens for years that smoking is stupid. Now, a study suggests it can make teens stupid.

The Yale School of Medicine study found that teenage smokers scored significantly poorer on working memory tests than nonsmokers. The gap between smokers and nonsmokers widened as smokers went through nicotine withdrawal.

Working memory is used to keep information in mind and manipulate it. The study of 73 adolescents was published in the January issue of Biological Psychiatry.

Earlier studies have linked cigarettes to memory problems in adults.

"These findings underscore the importance of efforts aimed at preventing smoking initiation in adolescents," said Dr. Leslie Jacobsen, a Yale professor and researcher. "They also show adolescents who are trying to quit smoking may need additional educational support."

Pop quiz, hot shot ...

Who would you rather see on stage at a concert?

(A)


(B)


(C)

or

(D)


I'm not so good at tests, and this is a bit of a trick question seeing that it is the same band in all of the photos, but if there is one thing I do know, it's that my answer is no way in hell "D"! I know it doesn't change the way the music sounds, but let's face it, the theatrics are pretty cool.

Word to the wise Mudvayne -- bring back the goddamn makeup!

Wrong Number

I moved into the apartment I currently live in way back in September of 2002. Since the day my phone got hooked up I have received a pretty steady flow of phone calls for one Laylee Olfat. Not just calling, but leaving messages on a voice mail that clearly states names other than Laylee. After one of these callers made some sort of reference to needing to get some photos and documents to her, I put it together that she might be "in the biz" -- the entertainment biz that is. A little searching on imdb.com brought everything into focus.

Apparently Laylee is a casting director, so these fools calling are probably trying to kiss her ass in one way or another so Laylee can open the door to the big time. Unfortunately for them when they make this call Laylee doesn't answer. I answer. I'm not "in the biz" nor could I give a shit to be perfectly honest. I don't know who she really is, I don't know where she is and I don't know her new number. All I know is that she used to have my number and when she unloaded it for me to snatch out of the available phone number pool for my own, she left a bunch of people sounding pretty desperate to get in touch with her.
Anyway, the calls have diminished some, but Laylee, if you see this (perhaps you Googled your own name or something), drop me a line (don't worry, I'm not mad) and let me know if you'd like me to pass on your new information to these fools ... or better yet, if you have a role for me in a big movie. Thanks.


Laylee (left)

Zero Feels Good

One of my favorite things in this world is getting a credit card bill in the mail, tearing it open and seeing this:

New Balance
$0.00

Minimum Amount Due
$0.00

Always Watching

Lately at work there has been a crackdown on non-work related internet usage. Blog viewing/making, personal e-mail reading/sending, shopping, porn, etc. Well, as if psychic, the latest issue of Playboy (February 2005) has a little thing on their "Raw Data" page of useless stats and facts about this very subject:


How companies spy on employees:
74% track internet surfing
62% run background checks
43% read employees' e-mail
31% look at employees' computer files
18% watch employees on video
12% eavesdrop on phone conversations
7% listen to voice mail
6% give polygraph exams

So, it is nice to know Playboy is looking out for me by letting me know my job isn't the only place of employment flexing its right to spy. It's also nice to know that I don't have voicemail at work nor have I been given a polygraph test, so that eliminates me from 13% of possible scrutiny on this list.

Mmmmmm, lucky 13 ...

18 Degrees Outside, 77 Degrees Inside

Sometimes I really love Sundays

Get a Band

Tonight on SNL (or Saturday Night Live for those of you not in the know) the musical guest was Ludacris. Instead of the usual routine, for his first appearance he did "Get Back" with Sum 41 providing the tunes and backup vocals. Pretty good stuff.

I recall DMX on SNL a few years ago doing "Party Up" with a live band. Not quite as metal as the Ludacris/Sum 41 joint, but also good.

Hell, we can even reflect back on the LL Cool J "Unplugged" on MTV many a year ago. Once again ... live band, and yes, it was good.

I don't know why rappers don't do this live band shit more often. Loyalty to the DJ? The DJ can stay. Worried about keepin' it real? Bands are real. I just think a live band validates the talent of (most) MCs way better than having a huge posse of idiots screaming over some track. I've seen some rap/hip hop acts live before and they don't hold my attention very well. The sound is usually lacking and there's not much to watch (unless Flavor Flav is on stage). They should be both, but if a live show doesn't sound good or is isn't fun to watch why not just sit at home or car with the stereo cranked?

So, here's your chance MCs. Get a band behind you and maybe the kids will start purchasing more tickets to your shows. Think $$$!

You're welcome.

New Fun

So, I just purchased myself a new toy.

On Sunday I braved the crowds, trekked over to B&H and treated myself to a brand spankin' new digital camera. It's pretty sweet.

I've got 5 megapixels at my disposal, so now I'll be polluting the information superhighway with self-produced visuals as well as senseless babble.

Warm Welcome

Welcome to Jersey City, NJ USA

Beat the Meat

Back in July, I blogged about a 6lb. burger at a place in Pennsylvania.

The thing is ridiculous. Even if you removed the six pounds of meat, most people would have trouble eating the bun and toppings: one large onion, two whole tomatoes, one half head of lettuce, 1-1/4 pounds of cheese, and a cup each of mayonnaise, ketchup, mustard, relish, banana peppers and some pickles.

Nobody has ever been able to consume one in under three hours. Until last Wednesday, when a 100 pound, female college student kicked that burger's ass.

Check out the story of triumph here.

Proud of you Kate!

Die Practice

I'm riding the M14 bus last night heading for Union Square and this jerkoff gets on and sits in front of me. He's got dice in his hand that he keeps shaking (rattle, rattle, rattle) and then rolling onto the bus floor like he is practicing. Dice aren't something you can practice fucker. They just roll around and land on whatever number they feel like landing on. Practice is futile ... and more importantly really fucking annoying to those around you.

I'm Glad I'm Not Alone

Simon Cowell.

Funny? I think so. To a certain extent, but then he gets a bit tired to me. Probably more entertaining than funny I'd say.

Does he know what the hell he is talking about in the music world as far as creating a superstar? Well, I guess he had done OK so far with his American Idol picking, but this may very well be the sign that he really does know what's up:

On Beyonce Knowles ~ "I find the whole Beyonce thing really mystifying. She's not sexy. She hasn't got a great body. And she's not a great singer."

Amen.

Head In The Clouds

This morning when I came out of the PATH station in Jersey City I looked across the mighty Hudson as I always do. Instead of the usual sight of a seemingly impossible number of too tall buildings crammed in lower Manhattan all I saw was white. The fog had totally obscured all things beyond the halfway point of the river. As far as I could see with the naked eye, Manhattan didn't exist.

It was pretty cool, but as I walked along the river I quietly wished I was walking along the Manhattan side and it was New Jersey that didn't exist.

Stupid Jersey ...

Am I What?

There is a shoe repair/dry cleaners shop in the little "mall" where my office is. There is a poster in there on the wall that is a drawing of a baby sitting up. Under it it says Am I Cuat? Everyday, I look at it, thinking that I must have read it incorrectly the previous day.

On the way in, I'll look over with anticipation that it will say Am I Cute? like I am guessing it should say. Nope. It says Am I Cuat?

I can't stop being confused. Cuat? I don't think you are Cuat, little poster baby, but what the hell do I know?

Perhaps if someone could translate or explain or something that would help a bunch.

Get Out of Town

This past weekend a couple of co-workers and I packed up our gear and headed upstate for a weekend out of the NYC metropolitan area chaos. Is there a better weekend escape during the winter than some mountain fun? An almost certain "No" is the only answer I've got.

Off to Greek Peak we went. A good time was had by all, and I think I have officially crossed the line from skier to snowboarder. I'm sure I will still ski, but I think a snowboard is going to be my main device of choice for rockin' the slopes for awhile.

Check out this mean machine that we rented to transport our asses and gear up there:
















I know what you are thinking -- Pretty badass.

What you're looking at is a Dodge Caravan rented from Avis in fabulous J.C. The key chain had the color labeled as "green" but some argued that it was more "blue." Well, according to the Dodge website it is actually "Magnesium Pearl." I think that settles that.

Thanks to our get outta town motivation and our friend Magnesium Pearl minivan the weekend was a success. There was a memorable stop at the Wal-Mart Supercenter in Wilkes-Barre, PA; Genesee beer and snacks from Xtramart; an overdose of celebrity gossip magazines; some football watching (Jets, you are so dead this week); lots of sleep; and of course our time on the slopes/in Orion's Pub.

There is already talk of a round 2 happening perhaps in February. I can't wait.

Phil Tells It

In a follow up to my long ago post about the killing of "Dimebag" Darrell Abbott here is a link to a video statement from former Pantera singer (and general nut case) Phil Anselmo about his feelings on the killing and being asked to not attend the funeral by Dimebag's family (Phil and Dimebag weren't on the best of terms thanks to saying things like how he could "... "kill [Abbott] like a fuckin' piece of vapor.")

Anyway, check out the video here.

Yikes! He is all over the place. I don't know whether to feel sad, scared or giggle a bit.

I think one thing is for sure. We can count on some very heavy, very angry, very suicidal music from Phil.

The End is Near

I see this photo on Yahoo! today in the news section:
I don't mean to make you nervous or cause some sort of mass panic, but check out the caption that goes with it. It seems like we may be doomed -- sometime between now and the year 12,005:

Hammocks almost buried at the beach of Pajara district in Fuerteventura island (Canary Island), southern Spain. Countries all around the Atlantic rim could be hit by killer tsunamis at any time between now and the next 10,000 years, the British government's chief scientific adviser said.(AFP/EPA/EFE/File/Juan Medina)

Cell Block Party

Things like this almost make me wish I was in prison:

From NY1:

Velella Reportedly Sharing Cell Block With Rapper "Shyne"
DECEMBER 29TH, 2004 -- As he settles back into his cell on Rikers Island, former state Senator Guy Velella may find he isn't the only well-known inmate on the block.

According to published reports, Velella shares a cell block with the rapper Shyne.

Shyne, whose real name is Jamal Barrow, is serving a 10-year sentence for firing a gun at a Midtown nightclub in a case that gained national attention because it also involved P. Diddy and Jennifer Lopez.

Shyne is at Rikers only temporarily.

Velella turned himself in Monday to serve the remainder of his one-year sentence on bribery charges after a court ruled his early release was improper.

Velella was released nine months early in September by a previously obscure city panel, the Local Conditional Release Commission, raising concerns about improper influence. An ensuing investigation found the decision was technically illegal because the minimum number of members was not physically present at the vote.

The Court of Appeals is expected to decide next month whether to take up his case.

The once powerful Bronx Republican pleaded guilty last May to accepting bribes in exchange for steering government contracts.

It's My Car and I'll Dress How I Want To

It sucks to get caught, but who hasn't done this before?

Cops Catch Naked Man Sitting in Car
Dec 29, 2004 8:53 am US/Eastern(1010 WINS) (Brewster, NY ) A naked man has been arrested while sitting in his car in an apartment parking lot in Brewster. The Putnam County Sheriff's Department says a deputy wondered why the car was running with its light off last night. The deputy walked over to the car and found 21-year-old Philip Rabito of Brewster in the driver's seat with no clothes on. He was arrested for public lewdness and possession of marijuana.

Police don't know where Rabito's clothes are, or why he was there.

CA vs. LP

I know every little bit counts and all that, but isn't it a tad bit pathetic that Computer Associates International, Inc. is donating $200,000 to support the tsunami relief effort while the band Linkin Park is donating $100,000? A multi-billion dollar corporation with 15,300 employees (and offices in Indonesia, Thailand and India) is dropping $200,000 while six jokers from California in a band are donating $100,000? $200,000 divided by the number of employees equals about $13.07 for each employee (versus $16,666.67 for each member of Linkin Park). CA could probably get more than that if they just asked for donations from individual employees. OK, so they are also matching individual employee donations too, but come on CA! I know you didn't have to donate anything at all, but if you are going to donate ... well, donate.

Bound to Happen

Someone got to this site today by searching: Jessica+Biel+bound+with+duct+tape

I don't mean to disappoint, but I don't think such a photo exists ... unless someone has broken into my basement with a camera and posted the results.

Adjust Those Maps

In further tsunami news:

Remember back in elementary school when some teacher told you that all the earth's land masses used to be aligned differently -- like you could walk from Alaska to Russia or South America to Africa?

Well, perhaps it your teacher was telling the truth and even more frightening, it seems we're still on the move (please God or Mother Earth or whoever is doing all this moving ... please don't move New York next to France):

Quake rattled Earth orbit, changed map of Asia: US geophysicist
Mon Dec 27, 8:33 PM ET

LOS ANGELES, (AFP) - An earthquake that unleashed deadly tidal waves on Asia was so powerful it made the Earth wobble on its axis and permanently altered the regional map, US geophysicists said.

The 9.0-magnitude temblor that struck 250 kilometers (155 miles) southeast of Sumatra island Sunday may have moved small islands as much as 20 meters (66 feet), according to one expert.

"That earthquake has changed the map," US Geological Survey expert Ken Hudnut told AFP.

"Based on seismic modeling, some of the smaller islands off the southwest coast of Sumatra may have moved to the southwest by about 20 meters. That is a lot of slip."

The northwestern tip of the Indonesian territory of Sumatra may also have shifted to the southwest by around 36 meters (120 feet), Hudnut said.

In addition, the energy released as the two sides of the undersea fault slipped against each other made the Earth wobble on its axis, Hudnut said.

"We can detect very slight motions of the Earth and I would expect that the Earth wobbled in its orbit when the earthquake occurred due the massive amount of energy exerted and the sudden shift in mass," Hudnut said.

Another USGS research geophysicist agreed that the Earth would have got a "little jog," and that the islands off Sumatra would have been moved by the quake.

However, Stuart Sipkin, of the USGS National Earthquake Information Center in Golden Colorado, said it was more likely that the islands off Sumatra had risen higher out of the sea than they had moved laterally.

"In in this case, the Indian plate dived below the Burma plate, causing uplift, so most of the motion to the islands would have been vertical, not horizontal."

The tsunamis unleashed by the fourth-biggest earthquake in a century have left at least 23,675 people dead in eight countries across Asia and as far as Somalia in East Africa.

The tsunamis wiped out entire coastal villages and pulled beach-goers out to sea.

The International Red Cross estimated that up to one million people have been displaced by the natural calamity.

Wave

This tsunami business in Asia is nuts. I am becoming obsessed with reading people's eyewitness and survival stories.

I visited a friend of mine who used to live in Thailand a few times, and the last time I was there I stayed on Ko Lanta, one of the islands that got pounded (although not as bad as some other places).

The latest report I read said that hundreds more have perished in Ko Lanta and on Ko Phi Phi (another island near Lanta). I could have been one of the unlucky ones if the earth had timed its rumblings differently. I can picture my lazy ass on the beach with a book, some pineapple and a bad sunburn, not even noticing the wave heading towards me, grabbing hold and turning me into a human torpedo. I would have been doomed for sure. Probably swept into a palm tree or elephant or something like that and ~snap~ goes my neck.

This account on CNN.com is a good one for showing how screwed you are when a tsunami attacks (someone actually said "tsunami attack" on CNN earlier as though it was a crazed animal or an invading army):

PHUKET, Thailand (CNN) -- What do you do when you see a huge wave-wall
coming at you? You run. You run as fast as you can. You think: "This is surreal."

But you keep running ... until the water lifts you off your feet and sweeps you onwards.

It makes no difference whether you can swim or not.

The force carries you forward, and you become a living, breathing projectile. Grab onto something and you may live.

Surf the wave and you have a chance. Hit something solid, and you die.

The place I stayed in was pretty much right on the beach and made of bamboo with a little tile/cement in the bathroom. As a matter of fact, almost every place along the beach was pretty much the same style. I am guessing most of those places don't exist anymore.

These stories don't make things sound very promising:

As an Australian medic I, along with two other medical students who witnessed the tsunami were taken to the Ko Lanta hospital where we have worked since midday. I was involved in 2 unsuccessful resuscitations of drowning victims, and treated over sixty foreign holidaymakers with injuries, mainly multiple fractures, some severe such as skull fractures and suspected spinal fractures ... People are awaiting another wave and most are camping out on hilltops, not that any accommodation at beach level remains.
- Benjamin Gilmour, Thailand
Link to full article (subscription needed)

A lot of people have arrived from the islands over the last few days, though the situation in Ko Phi Phi and Ko Lanta is fairly dire -- there are reports of significant numbers of Western casualties."
- Tom Carter, of the British emergency consulate in Phuket, Thailand
Link to full article

Hold on my little Ko Lanta friends. Things can only get better.

PS You guys in that tourism booking/internet cafe place in Ban Saladan with the Osama Bin Laden wallpaper on your computer. I hope you, or at the very least, your computers are buried in mud.

Deja Vu

Sometimes Albany is like a timewarp.

The other night I was driving back to my parent's house from Albany. It was dark, the roads were pretty empty, my faint smell of beer was on my breath and Come Out And Play by the Offspring was on the radio.

It could have easily been 1994.

'Tis the Season (you stingy bitch)

In April Rigo is going to be swimming, biking and running his ass off in a triathlon down in Florida. He's doing it for a good cause. Two good causes actually -- getting in shape and raising money for The The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society.

Since this is the season of giving and all that, why don't you take some of your holiday bonus or if you didn't get a bonus just take some of your hard-earned cash and hook him (and The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society) up!

Stop being such a selfish scrooge and get givin' right here.

Color Me Xmas

Feeling festive? Well, perhaps that's because the blue has turned to green here at stinktown.blogspot.com.

That's right! We're in full on Christmas mode, so you're getting red and green as the theme for the next couple of days.

Enjoy ... and Merry Christmas!

Fe, Fi, Fo, Fum!

Me Shaq.

Shaq big.

Shaq hungry.



Mmmmm number eleven.

The Weekend

This past weekend was a sporting one for me. Not participation though. Strictly viewing.

Saturday was football. Thanks to Mike and his NJ connections, I got to witness the Steelers beat the Giants in person (as opposed to my usual position at home on the couch). The deal even included a car ride to the game. You can't beat that. It was a good game and my first trip to Giants Stadium for a sporting event (I was there one other time for Ozzfest back in 1997, but most don't consider that a sport). It was much colder being off the couch and sitting outside, and the line for the bathroom was longer, the beers were a tad more expensive, but the excitement is definitely higher in person then through my TV.

Sunday was basketball. I went to see Marist play St. John's in fabulous Queens at the newly named Lou Carnesecca Arena. St. John's was pretty bad, but unfortunately my boys from Marist were even worse. Damn you Red Storm. Daaaamn yooooouuuuu!

So, that was pretty much the weekend. Somewhere in there I managed to drink some beers, eat some Indian food and purchased a Christmas tree too. Speaking of Christmas ... holy shit! Only 4 shopping days left.

Pedro Ridin' the 7 Train

Dear Mets,

I really hope this all works out for you.

Really. I do.

Love,
Me

PS This cost you $53 million?

The Envelope

I'm blading home along 14th Street after work today and as I pull up along a car I see something on its roof. It is way back, about to slide down the rear window and more than likely down to the road. Upon second look I see that the object is a file -- apparently called an expanding wallet.

The car is rolling along, but rather slowly due to the driver fighting traffic and attempting to take a right hand turn without running over pedestrians. I'm on the right hand side of the car, so I grab the "wallet" and knock on the rear window. He looks quickly over his shoulder and says something I can't hear. I try showing him the expanding wallet. No dice. I give another quick tap, but he has found a gap in between the people in the crosswalk and gasses it forward. I roll up to the driver's side and knock again. He now looks panicked like I might want to drag him out of the car and rape him or something and pulls away with the quickness. I had thoughts of giving chase, but decided I had already gone beyond my call of duty.

I was about to just drop the expanding wallet in the street where it would have wound up if I didn't come skating along, but then started thinking about what might be inside. Important documents for a big trial? Plans for murdering the President? The cure for cancer? A whole bunch of weed?

I decide to hold onto the loot and check out its contents upon my arrival home. I'm praying for something important along with a business card or something so I could call the owner up and tell him I have his shit, but because he is such a spastic driver and skater hater he'd never see it again.

I get home, take off my bag, my hat, my jacket. I grab the expanding wallet and take off the elastic cord that is holding the treasure safe inside its confines. I open the top flap and peer inside ... it's the fucking New York Post. That's it.

What a rip off.

No Joke

Perhaps George W.'s next strategic move will be to send Costa Rican taxi drivers to Afghanistan to sniff out Bin Laden? --> link

Post Party

So, mission accomplished as far as my plan for the work holiday party went. I didn't get drunk enough to act like a jackass which is all for the best.

Towards the end of the night there was some co-worker hook-ups happening. This is inevitable I guess, but there is always some worry with the parties involved about how it will effect the other participant and how it may be viewed by other witnesses.

I think my high school friend Pete said it best. During one of the summers during college, a day after a lewd affair by yours truly, my friends and I were playing basketball. During a break from playing, a few girls we were friends with who were hanging out started giving me shit about my antics. Pete, who wasn't one to judge, especially in that arena, clearly didn't think I deserved what I was getting and throws in his two cents ~~

Pete interjects: Did you have fun?
Me: Yeah.
Pete: Do you think she did?
Me: I presume so.
Pete: Did you make any promises you can't keep?
Me: (Not knowing where he was going with this) No. I didn't make any promises.
Pete: Hmmmm. And did anyone get hurt?
Me: No.
Pete: So you had fun and nobody got hurt?
Me: Yeah?
Pete: Just as I thought. There is no problem. Now shut the fuck up. We're playing basketball.

So, any of you that feel dirty/confused/guilty or whatever due to your questionable acts just ask yourself Pete's questions. That might clear your name and your conscience. If it doesn't clear your name then you are a selfish, insensitive, dirty, dirty slut.

Name cleared or not, you should go clean your genitals! Gross.

The Plan

I'm leaving for my company's holiday party in a short while. It is nice to have a guaranteed drunkathon on Friday as opposed to say a Thursday as has been done in the past. I am presuming that it costs more to rent out a place on a Friday, but you have to think of the level of productivity the day after a open bar. The money saved by having a party on Thursday has got to be lost on the Friday following. Anyway, it is on a Friday, so let's not sweat it.

My plan is to get drunk but to not be "that guy" or "Frank the Tank" or just plain old "fired." I'll let someone else fill those roles for me. Hopefully someone will create some quality blogging material.

Time Management

"When something is important to you, you find a way to make the time. Or rather, the time makes itself."

- Mike Patton

Pimp Your iPod

The holiday season is upon us. Sure it is a fun time, but you know it can sometimes be a bit difficult to decide upon a gift -- a GOOD gift -- to give to someone. Well, my friend Gary has started this e-commerce site that might very well make your mission to find a good gift to give for Christmas/Kwanzaa/Chanukah (no matter how you spell it)/Winter Solstice/New Year's or some other future occasion or holiday a bit easier.

On iPodBaskets.com you can hook up that someone special with a package of love and gadgetry that can make their iPod a multi-faceted tool of technological usefulness. Everybody check it out (family/friends of Duke University freshman especially) and get buying.

They get something good. You get to avoid the mall. Everybody wins!

Damageplan ... Damagedone

Well, since I lack any grace in discussing things of such shock/irritation/tragedy I'll just say that this news is fucked up. Everytime I read it I actually feel a little sick.

For those of you too lazy to click on the link, former Pantera guitarist "Dimebag" Darrell was shot and killed (along with two other people) while playing at a club in Columbus, OH with his new band Damageplan. The shooter was shot and killed, so unfortunately we may never know why someone would do something so assholic.

Pantera was one of my favorites, especially live. Dimebag really was one of the best guitarists ever (especially in the metal genre) AND let's not forget his goatee. That shit was pretty kickass too.

I repeat ... Fucked up.
"Dimebag" Darrell
08/20/66 - 12/08/04

Annan and On and On

Today, on my way to work, having nothing to read I pulled the ol' read the paper of the guy a couple of seats down move. The paper was either the New York Post or New York Daily News (as is so often the case with subway news readers) and as I skimmed the story facing me I catch the somewhat fragmented, "a gay man who described a lurid homosexual encounter he claims he had with Ted Ammon" For one reason or another I read "Ted Ammon" as "Kofi Annan"

"A lurid homosexual encounter with Kofi Annan" Now that's a news story the world doesn't need to see.

I don't know what is wrong with me. First the Maroon 5 post and now this? Therapy, here I come.

I Know ... I'm Going to Hell

Is this:
(a) Adam Levine, lead singer of Maroon 5 performing live?
or
(b) a rowdy special ed. class talent show?

One Day Left

So, tomorrow is my last day working in Manhattan, as my job is moving from New York City to a slightly less hip "City" ... Jersey City.

Yup, Jersey City. Just across the mighty Hudson to the land where Frank Sinatra was married and lived, NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue and acting genius Malcolm-Jamal Warner were born and Kool & the Gang started groovin'.

It's gonna be great (please read "great" as Tony the Tiger would say it, but with much sarcasm).

Quite an Aura

I just got back from picking up some clothes from the Aura Cleaners on 602 East 14th Street, NYC. If the girl who works behind the counter there (and she ALWAYS seems to be working by the way) isn't the most glad-to-help, efficient and friendly person you'll ever encounter in any sort of job (especially in NYC) I'd like to hear about it.

Oh, and by the way ... my clothes come out pretty damn good too.

WB for HoF

In the sports world, there is talk of who should be voted into the Major League Baseball Hall of Fame this year. I say Wade Boggs.

Sure his baseball stats are impressive (.328 BA, 1,014 RBI, 3,010 hits over 18 seasons), but I think there are two other things that move him up to the next level, making him Hall of Fame material.

Number 1: He was on The Simpsons. Yes, I know there were some other Hall of Fame hopefuls that also appeared on The Simpsons. That is why there is a number 2.

Number 2: He rode on the back of a police horse after the Yankees won the World Series in 1996.

It is a simple mathematical equation really: great baseball statistics + Simpsons appearance + riding on a police horse with police officer in Yankee Stadium after winning World Series = Hall of Fame

Bull's-Eye

Blade Trinity is hitting theaters in the U.S. of A. on December 8.

Will it be good? Perhaps ... perhaps not. Either way, one thing is for certain -- Jessica Biel is looking good with bow and arrow in hand:



















(click on pictures for bigger views)

Tur-key to Success

I think it is safe to say the Turkey Day was a success. Not that it takes a lot of talent to be successful.

Are you full?

Yes.

Mission Accomplished.

Actually there was a bit more judgment than that. This Thanksgiving I had my parents, father-in-law, brother-in-law, sister-in-law and nephew over for the feast. We did the whole deal: turkey, green bean casserole, mashed potatoes, dinner rolls, cranberry sauce, sweet potatoes, stuffing, gravy and of course pie (apple and pumpkin). It was a hit with the fam and with myself as well.

As far as turkey cooking goes, this is the key to juicy eatin': click.

Stick the thermometer into the turkey thigh, run the cable out of the oven and plug it into the thermometer, set the temperature (175F for turkey) and your happy thermometer will alert you with an annoying beeping sound when the bird wants out of the heat. Done and done.

Sounds the Same ... Tastes Different

"Oh man, this is CRAZY. When I lived in Texas we'd always eat chili. Now I'm in a country called Chile! They're spelled different, but sound the same. Who knew? Check out the crazy getup they've got us politicians in. It's totally business casual or something. Oooh, now I wish I had some chili right now. Chili in Chile. Get it?"

Turn That Frown Upside Down

Have a nice day insurgents!


Who knew shooting Iraqis could be so F-U-N? Right smiley face?

Under a Spell

So, any option of my life being productive have just come to an abrupt halt. The cause? I made the mistake of purchasing Halo 2. Now all I can think of is firing up the Xbox and killing aliens.

I am not usually a video game nerd, but something about Halo suckers me in. It becomes an addiction ... an unhealthy addiction. If I get things wired up properly and I get the Xbox live going I may never leave my apartment again.

Damn you Bill Gates!

MIA

So, there hasn't been much going on here on the Tastes Like Burning blog front as of late. I guess it is safe to say there are three basic reasons for this.

1. I haven't had anything exciting to report
2. I've been feeling lazy
3. Work is cracking down on non-work related internet use. Apparently blogs are not work related.

Staple

Do you like office supplies? Do you like celebrities? Do you like office supplies autographed by celebrities? Well check out this auction and you can bid on staplers autographed by your favorite celebrity. The money will go to charity. How nice.

By the way, the stapler that the majority of the celebs are signing is this one: crunch. I have the same one at work (I bought it myself). It's the shit. 20 pages with ease, all for $14.99. Worth every penny.

If you don't dig the celebrities, feel free to purchase an unsigned one for yourself I would be happy to autograph it for you ...

Fists of Fury

On Sunday, before the showdown between the Steelers and Browns, there was a fight involving Joey Porter, William Green, and Terrelle Smith. During the skirmish, Porter popped Green in the mouth (what's up biyatch!?). Porter and Smith were ejected from the game before it had even begun and all three were fined $10,000.

I looked up Joey Porter's salary, but could only find what he was paid last year. Presumably he is getting a bit more this year. Anyway, with some of my piss-poor math skills I figured that a $10,000 fine to Porter would be equivalent to me being fined about $250.

Sure, I'd rather not be out $250, but I'll tell you what ... if I knew that it would only cost me a day off from work and $250 I'd be punching co-workers, competitors and clients at least once a month.

After the Celebrity

I had started Saturday evening with a couple of drinks at a bar, went to dinner and downed more drinks and then with the excitement of eating very near a celebrity still fresh in my mind, my Saturday continued on. How better to top off the action than with some karaoke!? All was fun -- especially with my rendition of Interstate Love Song and Sweet Child of Mine -- but I'll tell you what ... Sunday I felt none too good. As a matter of fact I still wasn't feeling quite right even on Monday. Sunday I woke up around 10am and couldn't get back to sleep, so moved to the couch. There I stayed until around 4pm. All day, waves of feeling OK, swept away with waves of nausea and then back to OK again. It sucked, but at least I didn't barf. I hadn't felt that shitty in I don't know how long. On a side note: having no football viewing options other than the Jets and Giants doesn't help hangovers much either. Fuck you New York football!

All I can think about is that the holiday season of parties and overindulgence is fast approaching. I can't have this beaten down feeling the entire month of December. I won't make it to 2005.

Must get a plan ...

Rubbing Elbows

Just to let you know what a highfalutin kinda guy I am, this past Saturday I went out to dinner for a friend's birthday and who was sitting in the table right behind mine? Josh Mostel! Yes, the Josh Mostel. Star of Billy Madison (Principal Max Anderson/The Revolting Blob), City Slickers and City Slickers II (Barry Shalowitz), and many other fine motion pictures, sitting in the very same restaurant as me.

Now who's happenin'?

Homecoming

Have nothing to do this weekend? Well, on Saturday there is a little something going on that might just do you right. I've been to other "events" with Chengwin and Chunk before, and although it sounds like they are getting more and more elaborate, hopefully it won't lose the chaotic mess that makes a good time be had by all.

This time around will be a massive athletic showdown between arch-enemies Chengwin (half-chicken, half-penguin) and Chunk (half-chicken, half-skunk). The two compete for the affection of the Homecoming Queen, Chove (half-chicken, half-dove), on a temporary playing field downtown, fully supported by announcers, coaches, referees, cheerleaders, and even a marching band. Audience participation for the game is highly encouraged, so Chengwin fans wear white, Chunk fans black. Extra pom-pom-bedecked cheerleaders, as well as other archetypal homecoming personages, are also heartily welcome.

The kind folk at the National Weather Service are predicting temps to be in the 40 degree range with partly cloudy skies. That sounds like football weather to me ...

IT'S GO TIME.

CHENGWIN PRESENTS:

HOMECOMING 2004
THE CHENGWINS vs. THE CHUNKS
- - THE BATTLE FOR CHOVE - -

THIS SATURDAY, NOV. 13TH, **3pm SHARP**
COME PREPARED TO PLAY
AT THE NORTH CORNER OF HOUSTON/LAFAYETTE ST.

WEAR WHITE IF YOU'RE A CHENGWIN.
WEAR BLACK IF YOU'RE A CHUNK.
WINNER GETS CHOVE.
EVERYBODY ELSE GETS A PARTY.

http://www.chengwin.com

TaB-ulation

This past Sunday I went out to Long Island City to watch some of the ING New York City Marathon (you can't forget the ING ... or else!) with some friends. Our particular viewing location in L.I.C. was somewhere between mile 13 and 14 of the race and was not very crowded, but for some reason I had people unnecessarily close to me. One particular moment I thought I had entered the Twilight Zone.

On my left was an older woman who had her sheltie with her. She was holding the dog in her arms and talking to it like it was a small child. "Do you see all the runners?" Ooh, look at that guy's sneakers." "Did you see how skinny that woman was?" "Do you like the marathon?" I didn't hear the dog respond to any of this.

To avoid Ms. Crazy and her dog, I slid over to my right a bit. Over there was no better. A posse of parents with their little kids running around all over the place was inhabiting that space. For the most part they were OK, but this one woman from the group was on the roadway side of the NYPD barricades keeping an eye out for some friends that were running. God knows you can't see anything from the spectator side of the barricade. I found her pretty annoying to begin with due to the fact that she felt obligated to be on the wrong side of the barricade, her unnecessarily loud voice and the fact that she kept inching further out onto the road causing some runners to slightly adjust course. Who the fuck wants to avoid some idiot spectator after they have already run 13+ miles? The thing that bumped her from annoying to alarming was the fact that she was drinking TaB soda. Fucking TaB! I felt like I was in a 1977 time warp.

Anyway, I eventually got away from the freakshows around me and all was well once again ...

Now if you will excuse me I am going to go enjoy an frosty TaB and play some Space Invaders on my Atari 2600 with my dog.

A Balanced Meal of Thanks

This Turkey Day I am having my parents, as well as some of the in-laws coming over to Thanksgiving dinner. It is bound to be a fiasco as all crowded holiday events tend to be. I think I may have just found a way to make the day a bit more relaxed. No cooking for me. It's liquid Thanksgiving for all: Yummy

Reflections on Nipplegate

So, this Tara Reid exposure on the red carpet situation is quite a hot topic of interest (at least in the internet search world). Up to this point, I have been averaging about 500 hits on my site per month but since posting the blurb on Tara's revealing mistake I am already over 500 in the last two days. Just like rubberneckers driving by an accident on the highway people can't look away from the horror. The human curiosity just can't be ignored.

I had sent the link of the Nipplegate photos to a friend of mine on Friday, Nov. 5. I get a response back on Saturday, Nov. 6:

I've played with some breast reduced boobies and they did not have nasty scars like THAT. for the money she paid, that is gross. Did she have them done yesterday?

M

Then, on Tuesday, Nov. 9, after a few days to let his brain digest what his eyes had encountered he followed up with more:

I am considering doing breast enlargements in my shed for extra cash for the local main street skanks here in C-------n. hack saw, chisel, and duct tape. and I have extra tools if you want to join me. that is still gagging me. those Frankenstein nipples.

M

You know you are dealing with an odd situation when you've got average American men grossed out by breasts.

Frankenstein nipples. That's great.

Wisdom Inside a Cap

During my Monday Night Football watching I enjoyed a few Magic Hat #9s. Inside the caps they have little ... well, I guess you can call them words of wisdom. I learned two things from my beer tonight:

(1) Herbert the Pervert likes Sherbert
and
(2) Pull my finger but do not linger

You are very wise, my little beer caps. Thank you for sharing your infinite wisdom.

The H Saves the Day

So, I went to my Election Day rockathon the other day, and although it certainly was better than sitting around watching the jerkoffs on the news speculate about election winners, it wasn't as rockin' as I was hoping.

First, there was an extra opening band, Idle Sons. They reminded me of a heavier rockin' Bryan Adams in band form. OK to watch, but if they were on the radio I would probably flip around to see if anything else was on.

Thanks to Idle Sons, the Burden Brothers, who I actually wanted to see, didn't get much time on stage. While they played, I thought they were pretty good, but they only played five or six songs. I stood waiting for the roadies to set up the band's shit and run a sound check longer than the band actually played. That's crap.

Luckily, Local H came out next and saved the day. They sounded great -- even better than the other times I have seen them. Scott (the singer) had a nice new haircut and lost some weight too. Nice work Scott. They threw in a brief "Fuck George Bush" just to remind us what day it was, but other then that it was straight rockin'. Just what the doctor ordered. If I were to be running for President of the U.S of A. someday, I would certainly have Local H play at the inauguration. That would start things off proper.

I wound up leaving after Local H, so I never saw headliners Finger Eleven. With a can of Budweiser going for $5 and my feet/back getting tired of standing, I decided I had enough. I guess I will regret it someday when Finger Eleven is big time, but for now I feel OK about it.

Moral to the story? None.

Reid Between The Lines

Some might like this post/link because they think that Tara Reid is hot, but I tend to like it just for the embarrassment factor (if she is even capable of being embarrassed). I have to say, of all the ways to do something embarrassing, red carpet embarrassment is one of the best kinds ...

Anyway, I'm sure this doesn't need my help to be spread around, but if you would like to see what a dumbass Tara Reid is, you might like to look here for a series of photos from the red carpet at P. Diddy's 35th birthday. You should read http://oanmedia.com's recap of the incident first:

New York, November 4 -- P. Diddy didn't run naked down Wall Street at his birthday party as he promised the other day, but Tara Reid did. We thought it was intentional when the starlet dropped her dress strap, popped her left breast out and then posed, smiling for photographers. When a handler tiptoed over and tugged the loose strap back into place, a look of horror crossed Reid's face, and we realized it was a mistake.

I guess when you get yourself some fake tits you need to show 'em off somehow. Even if it is an accident. Kudos, Tara! Kudos.


By the way, during the breast augmentation procedure, did your surgeon use a crowbar to pry back your nipple and then pop in the implant? Yeeouch! That does not look healthy.

Watch Out Lavigne

Last week I caught Skye Sweetnam performing on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno (I think it was a repeat, but that's not the point). I have two words for Avril Lavigne -- "Watch" and "Out" That's right Avril. Skye has your number. She's cute, she's Canadian, she sings (better than you), what she sings is catchy and she writes some of her own stuff. Plus, she toured with Britney Spears so she caters to that crowd (whatever that crowd is exactly), but ain't so prissy to not appeal to the Avril-type "rock" crowd.

I'm not saying we, the music listening public need drama or a catfight, but Avril you are going to need to pick it up a bit if you want to retain your status.

Death Defying

During the summer months I put some of my plants outside on the air conditioner so they can enjoy maximum sunlight (and take up less room inside). I have been thinking about bringing them in due to the approaching cold, but they're tough and it hasn't gotten that cold yet, so they remain out there.

This morning I look out the window and for some strange reason actually look towards my plants. I notice instead of three plants on my living room air conditioner, there are now only two. I think I know the culprit -- it is pretty damn windy today here in NYC. The wind is blowing in the 25 - 30 MPH range with gusts getting up to 50MPH. The odd thing is that the missing plant is not the one I would expect to be subject to wind issues. The one I would expect to be the wind's toy is small and in a plastic pot, while the one missing is larger and in a terra cotta pot. There's quite a weight difference. Hmmmmm ...

I become a bit fearful for I live on the 8th floor of my building. I open my window and poke my head out to see if I see any sign of the missing pot, half expecting to see a body lying down on the wet sidewalk below.

No body.

No plant either.

Then I see the plant. It has managed to avoid the sidewalk and is lying near the sparse bushes below. I figure the pot is a goner, but plants can always be repotted. It is a pot of mint, which I need so my mojitos can be created fresh, just like when Castro and I used to party at his place in Cuba. I decided to go retrieve my plant.

I go downstairs, run over to the plant and the miracle is revealed. The pot is in one piece. How is this possible? It did land in some mulchy type material, but still after 8 floors? It seems to defy physics that a clay pot can survive that sort of drop AND not kill anyone.

In your face Mother Nature! You can not defeat me!!

Waterworld

One of the nights I was in Chicago back in August it began raining harder than I have ever witnessed in my lifetime. We ducked into a bar called Yakzies to get out of Mother Nature's fury and enjoy some frosty beers at the same time.

Well, the bar is downstairs (picture Cheers) and we no sooner got into the bar and order beers when water starts gathering around my feet.

At first I thought maybe the bar floor was uneven and the water was only where we were standing, but then I look across the bar and realize that there is water everywhere. The rain was pouring down the stairs and into the bar like a waterfall. I ask the bartender, "Is this normal?" He responds, "I've seen it once or twice before."

Bar stools suddenly become a commodity.

I'm expecting the bar to close, but everyone just keeps doing their usual bar-type things and just as the rain continues to flow into the bar, the beer continues to flow too. The water continues to rise until it is well over my shoes. There was beer bottles, popcorn, garbage cans and whothefuck knows what else floating around in there.

It was fairly disgusting and it was damn wet, but it was evident that it was more wet outside, and there was more beer inside, so we stayed. At least in the bar we were dry from the shins up. Plus, when does a little inconvenience like wading in bar sludge stop a good time when a bottle of Miller Lite is in your hand?

Four More Years of Retardo

So, it looks like we've got another four years with George W. Bush as our fearless leader. As I see the war in Iraq raging on, my health insurance premiums and co-pays going up, my rent going up, unemployment not going down, the environment being plundered and Osama Bin Laden still running around I can't say I am very thrilled about this outcome. I'm not big into politics, but four more years of stupidity are causing me to feel a bit sick to my stomach.

Enjoy.