Saturday, December 30, 2006

The Year in Tunes

No year is complete without some sort of "top [insert number here]" list. I figure I should follow the rules so I give you my top 10 albums of 2006 (in no particular order):
Peeping Tom - Peeping Tom
Trivium - The Crusade
Basement Jaxx - Crazy Itch Radio
Rise Against - The Sufferer & The Witness
Gym Class Heroes - As Cruel As School Children
Slayer - Christ Illusion
Swollen Members - Black Magic
MC Chris - Dungeon Master of Ceremonies
Robert Randolph & The Family Band - Colorblind
Europe - Secret Society

Check 'em out.

Thursday, December 28, 2006

As Long As You Are In The Spending Mood

I was just reading an article in The Village Voice about the folks at Google opening a new office in NYC. The whole thing is pretty interesting (you can check it out here), but the part that really got me was this:
"Based on conservative real estate industry estimates of the building's asking price -- about $33 per square foot -- Google will likely pay at least $10 million per year in rent ... "
$10 million per year ... Yikes!

Um, Google? I'm not sure if you are aware of this or not, but I am going to be out of a job as of March 30. So if you are going to be throwing that kind of money around perhaps you could get me involved? I live close, I'd cost you way less than $10 million a year and I am a dedicated worker. I look forward to hearing from you (my e-mail is near the top of the column to the right). Thanks.

Toll Fun

I really enjoy this little comedic prank:

IOUs, a photo of a guy flipping off the prankster, 50 Cent stickers, citrus, foreign currency and Mariah Carey ... apparently, that's a great recipe for making me laugh.

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Family Time

So, I was upstate this past weekend for some Christmasy family time. It was the usual routine ... a lot of blah, blah, blah by my mother, too much unhealthy food in my gut and talkin' sports and my career unknowns with my dad. Some memorable moments:
  • I got up to my parent's house Friday night. I have to wake up sort of early (at least by my weekend standards) on Saturday to pick my wife up at the train station. I didn't bother setting an alarm, but conveniently my father wakes me up. In the years since I've been away from home his ability to hand out a heart attack has not wavered. My wake up was like this, "Bill! Do you know what time it is?!" I'm in a deep sleep, no idea where I am or what day it is and I can guarantee I don't know what time it is but it certainly sounds like I am late for something (I wasn't).
  • My Uncle discussing before dinner his dislike for his cousin's son (I guess he doesn't really work or attempt to work): "So I tell him, 'Look, your son is a loser.'"
  • My Aunt, a former fan of Rachael Ray, who unbeknownst to me has done a 180 since we last spoke: "She's on all the time. All the time. And she's gotten more and more annoying. That fake laugh, the way she hams it up for the camera and God, has she gotten FAT!"
  • Driving back from the mall I pull onto the highway and immediately have some chubby, frog-like woman in a minivan box us into an "exit only" lane. After I mumble some insults and threats I manage to get around her only to notice my father who is riding in the backseat giving her the finger. It's not just the finger either, it's a violent gesture like he might be trying to jam it up her ass. All about the holiday spirit in my family.
  • On the train ride back to New York City I saw a murder. A murder of crows that is. Just south of Poughkeepsie. Shitloads of crows. If not for my protective metal and glass cocoon, it would have been a little unnerving.

Sunday, December 24, 2006

Just The Way Baby Jesus Likes It

Enjoy your Christmas everyone ...

... even if you don't really celebrate it.

Friday, December 22, 2006

Somethin' Ain't Right

Dear Amtrak,

I have an issue with you. Many issues actually, but I'll just focus on two for now. Think something looks screwy when you compare these two trips? One is my trip to Chicago a couple weeks ago and one is my upcoming trip to Albany, NY. Take a look. See anything odd?:

American Airlines
New York --> Chicago, IL --> New York, NY
Round-trip stats: 4 hours, 45 minutes - 1,440 miles

New York, NY --> Albany, NY --> New York, NY
Round-trip stats: 4 hours, 55 minutes - 284 miles

Screwy issue #1: A flight, which involves jet fuel, free snacks/drinks and little air nozzles for personal climate control only costs $18.60 more than rumbling up the banks of the Hudson? Jesus. AND you're subsidized by the government. Why so expensive?

Screwy issue #2: The train up to Albany takes 10 minutes longer (in the event that the train is actually on time) than a flight to Chicago? I know planes go faster than trains, but the train is not being used to its full potential. Fix the tracks, upgrade your engines/cars and let's move!

Despite my irritation, you'll see me later today. Don't make it any worse than it already is.


Thursday, December 21, 2006

Moms ... Always Jumping To Conclusions

So Mothers Against Drunk Driving decided to cut ties with Miss Teen USA Katie Blair thanks to allegations of hard partying (whatever that means). Isn't MADD getting a bit out of control cutting ties with Miss Teen USA? They aren't Mothers Against Underage Drinking, they're Mothers Against Drunk Driving! I see that there are statistics on MADD's web site about underage drinking being a big cause of accidents/deaths, but isn't an underage Miss Teen USA setting a good example if she drinks (as many, many teens do) but does not drive?

Perhaps the decision makers at MADD just don't remember what it was like to be young (and/or hot).

Stocking (and shirt) Stuffer

One of my favorite press release headlines of 2006:

Dr. Stephen T. Greenberg Says It's Going to Be a Cosmetic Christmas As Many Patients Are Saying 'All I Want for Christmas Are My Two ... New Breasts!!'

Dear Santa,

I've been really Effin' good this year therefore I'd like the following:

  • A pony
  • T.M.X. Elmo
  • new breasts
  • Xbox 360

Thanks. I'll leave some cookies out for you.

Stay Warm,

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Put Your Junk In The Box

Just a few short shopping days until you need to get something under that tree. How about a gift that keeps on giving? Watch and listen carefully to this video and you'll see that in just three easy steps you've got yourself a present worthy of masterpiece status: click here

Perhaps you've seen this already. Perhaps even numerous times. I don't care. It makes me laugh and I don't see any reason to not have it at my fingertips at all times.

FYI - please do not try to give me your dick in a box. Thanks.

Friday, December 15, 2006

You Can't Stop It

Um, not to be Mr. Negative or anything Chavez, but I'll let you in on a little secret. We're all dying. We're all sloooowly dying. Me. You. Even Castro. Just a little something to think about.

P.S. Castro is closer to death than most of us.

Two In A Row Is Enough

The other night I caught Gwen Stefani on Letterman doing Wind It Up and then last night I was in a bar and her video for the same song came on.

Is it bad? No.

Is it catchy (yet slightly annoying) and is she easy on the eyes? Sure. But ...


Yeah. But. There's always that. My but is that I'd like some No Doubt back. Am I a huge fan that can't live without them? Not even. I just prefer Gwen rockin' that, rather than doing this other stuff. Two solo albums in a row ... sure it's a nice creative outlet and it's a chance for her to be all independent and dress how she wants and synchronize a bunch of Japanese girls in wigs, but what about my ears? I'd like some No Doubt. That's all.

It's just a request.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Chicago Recap

In case you were wondering, I survived my venture to Chicago. My second time there and my second time enjoying it. I wouldn't mind living there one bit. There wasn't any groundbreaking events to report, but here's a brief rundown of the happenings:

Arrived Thursday. It was fucking cold. Low double digits, with wind that was making it pretty much miserable. I decided to not be a pussy and get out there anyway.

I headed to the Shedd Aquarium. I briefly thought art museum, but then realized my attention span is about the same as a housefly, so I figured fish and lizards might be a better bet than art. I had a cool photo of a California moray, but I think I may have sent that from my phone to a stranger in a bar at some point in a Bluetooth experiment. I do have this one of some jellyfish though:
While snapping this photo I heard a little kid ask a question, "Why are they called jellyfish? You can't eat them, can you?" If only there was an open top. I would have slapped one of those things on toast and handed it over to him for a delicious afternoon snack.

I also got a shot of the dolphin tank that overlooks mighty Lake Michigan (I'm guessing just to tease those bottle-nosed perverts with a view of freedom):

Thursday night was out to The Dark Horse for some eats and Steelers watching. The Steelers fans and bar workers (also Steelers fans) were pretty nuts. If someone had knocked me out and I woke up in The Dark Horse I would have no problem believing that I was in Pittsburgh. There was a lot of yelling, chanting, dancing and drinking in the name of the Steelers. Despite my being a Steelers fan, I pretty much spent my time focused on my burger, wings and $3 Guinness pints.

Friday morning I woke up to a pleasant offer from Todd, my host's roommate. Pancakes. There was also bacon. Todd, myself and Todd's lady friend discussed how much bacon should be made, and we opted for the entire one pound package. Although there was some talk of saving the leftovers for BLTs or whatever, we ate the whole pound. The three of us are now forever bonded in salty pork. Bacon bonds can never be broken. That's a fact.

Post breakfast, after some digestion time (which included running) I hit the town. First stop was Mr. Beef. You can tell it is going to be good just by looking at the outside:

Beef, peppers, celery and beef juices ... simple, old school and delicious:

Despite the obvious potential for shitting my pants after all that healthy eatin' I ventured on to my next stop, The John Hancock building observatory. I did a lot of looking out windows and cursing annoying French tourists under my breath. Here's me keepin' it real 1,000 feet above the Chicago streets:

From there, it was out for some happy hour at various places around Wrigleyville with former co-worker ACG until it was time to meet up with my host and comedy writer, Matt at his latest show at Second City (there are three more chances to catch it Two Thousand and Sux, so get on it). Post show was a stop at the Old Town Ale House. $8 pitchers of Old Style and a jazz only jukebox. 'Nuff said.

Saturday was a bit lazy in the morning, but some brunch from Kitsch'n got the ball rollin'. There was a little shopping, a little TV watchin' and a jog, but once the sun went down, it was time for a chili cook-off that one of the guys from the Two Thousand and Sux show was hosting. Nine chili entries for the tasting and voting and lots of ridiculous discussions such as: aquarium mammals and their genitals, vegetarian chili being "total bullshit," U.S./Canada relations, wearing beer stained clothing, fag hags, chili voting fraud, Rice Crispy treats - greatest dessert ever? and much more.

After the chili voting was done and awards were handed out (I am protesting the results) and further socializing was accomplished, we were off to continue the night. Stops at the fancy Hop Leaf, the less fancy Simon's Tavern for some Glogg and the not fancy at all, Carol's Pub. That was more than enough.

Sunday was breakfast and then some football (American and otherwise) watching until it was time to get back to the airport.

A little tired and slightly lacking in health, but overall I think it is mission accomplished.

Monday, December 11, 2006

Seize Your Opportunities

Dear Oscar,

Next time you have an opportunity like this, please slam the lid down and ship that can off to a garbage barge heading for deep ocean waters.

Thanks in advance.


Wednesday, December 6, 2006

Sell Out for J.C. in J.C.

Seen Yesterday in Jersey City:

Tuesday, December 5, 2006

Chilly Willy

November was so full of freakishly warm days that I seriously started thinking of where I could buy property now that would eventually turn into oceanfront property once the polar ice caps melt. Before I had all that figured out, yesterday came along and WHAM! it's cold. No easing into this winter I guess.

A certain negative on the winter weather is being outside, getting cold and then needing a visit to the bathroom. Come inside, head for the bathroom ... warm genitals do not like cold hands.

At all.

Adding To The Unnecessary

I'm a little confused as to why anyone gives a shit about this whole Gwyneth Paltrow thing.

Maybe she was misquoted. Maybe not. Either way, I really don't care what Gwyneth Paltrow thinks or what Gwyneth Paltrow says or what Gwyneth Paltrow does. I'm not sure why anyone does. She named her kid Apple for Christ's sake. You think she gives a shit about what anyone thinks?

I'm not a big fan of people saying nasty things about where they are from since if you don't like where you are you can go somewhere else, but does this need to be a major news story?

A more important question I guess would be why am I even addressing this? I really have no idea.