Sunday, October 31, 2004

Election Day Rock

What am I doing on election day?


Yeah, well besides that.

Goin' to vote?

Correct once again, but I was referring to something else.

Sitting at home waiting to hear the outcome of the election?

Hells no. This time you are incorrect. On election day, I'm going to be out rockin'.

I'll be going to Irving Plaza to be entertained by three bands: Burden Brothers, Local H and Finger Eleven. Nothing like a day full of work, voting and rock and roll to make you feel like a red-blooded American! I should probably look into getting some apple pie too.

The Burden Brothers are one of my favorites as of late. The singer is the former singer of the now defunct Toadies and the drummer has formerly rocked with Reverend Horton Heat, Tenderloin, and Izzy Stradlin. I once saw the Toadies back in 1996 and they rocked, so I can only expect the same from Burden Brothers. Their latest album kicks ass. My only concern is that they are from Texas. I hope they don't get all pro-Bush on us. I don't think that would go over too well in NYC.

Next on the agenda is Local H. Just two guys. A drummer and a guitar player. I have also seen these guys in concert before -- numerous times in fact. The first time I saw them I was hooked. I saw them open up for Corrosion of Conformity at Saratoga Winners in Latham, NY. While they were playing, some guy in the crowd kept heckling them. In between songs he kept yelling the usual heckler routine: "Get off the stage" "You suck" "We want C.O.C." After a bit of this he blurts out another "You suck." The singer of Local H yells back, "So do you. Fuck off." and kicks into the next song. They have a new drummer now, but they still rock. Check out this example of their work: It's a live version of High-Fiving MF with a little anti-Bush added in ~blam~ or you can check out their cover of Toxic by Britney Spears ~blam~.

The headliners are Finger Eleven. I don't really know anything about them, except for the fact that they are Canadian. I would prefer it if one of the other bands was headlining, but I will take what the promoters give me and will at least stay for a listen. Afterall, Canadians do know how to rock ... need I mention a little band called Glass Tiger?

So, now you know where I will be on Tuesday. If you care to join in on the fun I am fairly certain that tickets are still available, so why not go vote and then come buy me a beer and listen to some tunes?

Friday, October 29, 2004

Friday Fun

After work today I was skating home down Broadway as is often the case. The traffic was a bit thicker than usual -- it gets like that on some Fridays. Anyway, the whole way down I could hear a truck laying on the horn as traffic would get jammed up. Baaaamp. Baaaaamp. It was a loud horn. Tractor trailer style. It was getting a bit irritating.

At one point, I tried to get in front of some sluggish traffic with a quick burst of speed. There was some water or some other liquid in the road right where I tried to do my acceleration. My right foot slipped way out to the side and after a couple of bumbling, stumbling slippery steps I regained my upright position. Phheew. I was pretty close to going down. No worries though. I was up and at it again.

A block or so later, from off to my right I hear, "You almost lost it baby, wooooooooo. Be careful." Baaaamp. Baaaaamp. Sure enough it was the loud horn guy. He was at the helm of a Great Bear Water truck and from the looks of things he was lovin' every minute of it. I smiled and gave him a thumbs up, just to let him know that I was happy someone enjoyed my display of tempting death.

Keep on truckin' my humor-filled, truck driving friend. Everyone needs to be hydrated and everyone needs to laugh.

Those Pesky Side Effects

I saw a commercial for LEVITRA last night. I always get amused by the side effects/warnings on prescription drugs in general, but I think this one takes the cake. I remember during the Super Bowl last year laughing about the warning for LEVITRA of "If you get an erection that lasts more than 4 hours, get medical help right away." Last night I noticed during the commercial written in small print was: LEVITRA does not protect you or your partner from sexually transmitted diseases including HIV.

No shit?

Yeah, I'd guess that taking LEVITRA actually increases your odds of sexually transmitted diseases considering that if you have taken LEVITRA you probably wouldn't be having sex otherwise.


Here are the list of safety/side effects if you are worried: boing

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Just One Week

With Election Day just around the corner there is quite a bit of excitement in the air.

Who will be out new President of the good ol' U.S. of A.?

Will Florida make a royal, embarrassing mess out of the election process?

Will the terrorists sabotage the election with threats and/or bloodshed?

Anyway, tonight's 7:00pm showing of The Simpsons was pretty damn fitting of the whole mudslinging, big promising deal that is an American election:

The episode was number 4F02, better known by its common title of Treehouse of Horror VII. This was originally aired back in October of '96, so the candidates are different then what we are dealing with in '04, but feel free to change the names and the issues for a more modern feel. I think the results will be the same. Oh, to get you up to speed ... Two aliens -- Kang and Kodos -- have kidnapped Bob Dole and Bill Clinton and through "bio-duplication" are now disguised as the two candidates.

Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen, 73-year-old
candidate, Bob Dole.

Kang: Abortions for all.
[crowd boos]
Very well, no abortions for anyone.
[crowd boos]
Hmm... Abortions for some, miniature American flags for others.
[crowd cheers and waves miniature flags]

After the speech ~
Kang: Fooling these Earth voters is easier than expected.
Kodos: Yes. All they want to hear are bland pleasantries embellished by an occasional saxophone solo or infant kiss.

One week to go. I can't wait to vote.

One of Those Days

Today was one of those days when it felt like work nearly killed me. Those types of days happen every so often, but when they do I can never really remember when the last one was or what was so bad about it. I just know I have had that feeling before, and I don't like it. I must have a way of pushing the horror to some far away black hole in my mind that only hypnotism could uncover.

At one point I forced myself to leave my desk. I didn't make it very far, only to the breakroom. I plopped down on the couch until I was able to get my head in order. Sometimes it's amazing what a couch can do. I had some thoughts of going to get a lottery ticket (a.k.a. a ticket out of the working world), but was feeling too lazy to bother. That's not a good sign, when you are too blah to buy a lottery ticket.

Anyway, I am home now, and I have to say that after my skate home, a run, some diner and some Simpsons the memory of work is going to be packed away in my black hole. It is like the day never happened.

It's Hump Day tomorrow ...

Empire State ... Represent!

Were you born and/or raised somewhere in New York State? Did you go to school somewhere in New York State? Do you like stupidity ... especially in clothing form?

If you answered "yes" to one or more of these questions you might want to check out what you can get here:

By the way I answered "yes" to all three, hence I am the owner of "Albany Is Eggcellent."

Sunday, October 24, 2004

H2Open Up

Can someone explain to me what the deal is with NFL players during timeouts? Why does someone have to squeeze water/Gatorade into their mouths for them? I can understand someone running the fluid out to them on the field, but actually doing the feeding seems mighty stupid -- almost zoo-like.

If you are some lineman with his hands all taped up, then maybe you can't hold a water bottle yourself. You are excused. But if you are not all taped up and have any dexterity, then extend your hands that you grab onto your million dollar checks with and feed yourselves!

Friday, October 22, 2004

The Land of the HUGE

In Bermuda, you don't get to see all that much of the animal kingdom. There are plenty in the surrounding waters, but I am talking about on land. When I was there last month I saw a few lizards and some birds (if you count birds as land animals), but that was about all. Then, I ran into some creatures of mammoth proportions, making me think I may have walked onto the set of some crappy horror movie:

The first thing I see is the biggest slug my peepers have ever laid themselves upon. Thoughtfully photographed with my hand as to give it some size perspective. Yikes!

The horror doesn't end there. There's more ...

A night or two later I look out the hotel window and see something suspect moving along the driveway. I run outside to encounter the biggest toad I have ever seen. As it turns out, this thing is commonly referred to as Giant Toad, so apparently it is the biggest toad most people have ever seen.

Luckily I controlled my urges and didn't pick it up to see how heavy it was. I found out later that they emit a poison which if gets in the eyes can cause temporary blindness. Nothing like toad induced blindness while on vacation to really make it a memorable one.
For the photos of the toad I put one of my Teva sandals near it for size comparison. It worked out OK, but it could have been something awful, "Male toads are particularly promiscuous and will attempt to mate with anything that even remotely resembles a female toad -- including shoes!" So, I don't know if the toad was a female or if my shoes just weren't sexy enough, but either way my shoes came home totally un-knocked up.

Thursday, October 21, 2004

The Backlash

With myself being a Yankee fan, and having many a friend who are Red Sox fans I was expecting quite a bit of backlash after the Red Sox win. Surprisingly enough, 24 hours later I have only received a very small amount. I attribute this partially to the fact that I have never really rubbed the fact that the Red Sox suck in their faces during all of the years of Yankee triumph, but I am sure it also has something to do with the fact that they haven't won the World Series yet ... and they are scared. Here is the anti-Yankee crap I have received:

Text message to cell phone
From M.R.
Who's your Papi?

From C.F.
After a bunch of small talk ... OH and did you hear - THE SOX BEAT THE YANKEES!!!!!!!!

Voice mail on cell phone
From J.S.
It's Thursday morning. Just calling to make sure you and New York City are still alive after your big, big, big heartache last night. Just wanted to make sure you are OK.

Call to work
From J.S. (same person as above)
Haaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Ha Ha Haaaaaaaaaaa!

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

Bridge On The River Hudson

Who would ever guess that the Tappan Zee Bridge could look so good?
Looking west from the patio of (the appropriately titled) Sunset Cove Restaurant at the Washington Irving Boat Club in Tarrytown, NY.

Magic Word

I was walking home from work today and passed some kids walking the opposite direction. Since we were heading in opposite directions I didn't catch much of their conversation, but I did catch this coming from one of the kids: "I said nohomo! That negates the gayness."

I don't know what the hell brought that on, or what he was talking about, but I like it. Next time something is you encounter is gay, just yell "nohomo" and >poof< no more gayness.

Who knew?

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

Play Faster

This Yankees/Red Sox ALCS is killing me. Not killing me with mental anguish or anticipation or hope like it is doing to some. For me, the killing is actual physical beatings. The last two games have been so long (5:02 & 5:49), I have been forced to minimize my sleep. Once you get started, you can't just not watch. I can't function in my usual tip-top manner with this groggy feeling in my head. To make matters worse, there is another game tonight (although it looks like Mother Nature may be on my side with a little rain induced delay).

I feel like shit, so Yankees and Red Sox, I plead to you. Please. Please make your next game a short one ... and Yankees, if you could summon up some of your infamous moxie, maybe you could make it a winning one?

Monday, October 18, 2004


Pssst. Dude. When are we playing Dr. Feelgood?

Tommy Lee rockin' it University of Nebraska marching band style.

Sunday, October 17, 2004

A Mighty Win(d)

I wasn't even going to bother blogging about last night's ALCS game (game 3), but I feel as though I must. Although it is tempting, I won't be discussing how screwed the Red Sox are or what a mess that game was. Instead, I wanted to make mention of The Cowsills. In case you missed it, The Cowsills sang the Star Spangled Banner before the game. For a second I thought I might be watching A Mighty Wind. It was ridiculous. The introduction was corny, and the song was far from motivational or inspirational. The players even looked a tad confused and on the verge of laughter. I think Fenway may have just added another layer of oddity to crack through in order to snap the Curse of the Bambino.

Saturday, October 16, 2004

It's Not The WSP Of Old

Thursday night I was was meeting some friends for dinner and during my travels to my destination, I cut through Washington Square Park. As I meandered across the park I was not once offered any illegal narcotics. I wasn't looking for some, but that's not the point.

When I first moved to NYC back in 1996 my friends and I used to like to keep a tally of how many people offered us drugs when we cut through WSP. Quietly whispered, "Smoke. Smoke." was pretty much required listening. There were never any times that I can remember cutting through when nobody offered us anything.

I don't know if it is the police presence, the constantly watching spy cameras or if I just don't have the dope-interested look about me anymore, but things just aren't the way they used to be. I don't know if that is necessarily a bad thing, but it sure is strange.

Thursday, October 14, 2004

No Beer For Me (Or You)

It turns out that I won't be attending the aforementioned Beer On The Pier Festival. I went to get tickets the other day at Heartland Brewery and they were "all out." I went to get tickets three days before the event and they are gone? Since when are beer drinkers so motivared and proactive? Ticketmaster did have some tickets left but I'm not down with paying an extra $6.25 each ticket for "convenience." So, my Saturday is now open for creating my own beer-based fun, so if you have any ideas feel free to let me know.

On a beer-related side note, I just noticed on Merriam-Webster OnLine there is a definition for "beer and skittles" I've never used this expression, but if it's listed in a respected reference guide I'm gonna start.

"Man, when I get out of work today it is going to be all beer and skittles."

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

Sunday Funnies

Tonight on the back-to-back episodes of The Simpsons, the folks at Fox managed a great lineup. At 6:30pm was the Cape Feare episode and at 7:30pm was Rosebud (when Mr. Burns is searching for his bear, Bobo).

Both episodes originally aired back in October of 1993. I think it is safe to say that this is when The Simpsons were in their prime. I was in college back in those days and would go to church at 7:00pm on Sundays as to repent for all my evil doings the previous days of the week. My friends and I would bolt out of there once mass ended and literally run to my friend's apartment so we could catch The Simpsons at 8:00pm. Probably not the most religious way to wrap up a night with Jesus, but I think Jesus would probably want me to be happy and relaxed for all the good deeds I was destined to do in the upcoming week, so it was all good.

The Simpsons are still entertaining, but just not at the level they were at back in 1993. I still watch The Simpsons, but lately, when Sunday night rolls around, I find myself looking forward to Arrested Development more so than The Simpsons. If you haven't watched Arrested Development you should. If you would like to catch up before the new season starts or if you are already a fan, I have some good news. Arrested Development - Season 1 is available on DVD on October 19.

That is all.

Pimpin' The Pumpkins

Ever wonder what the record is for the "Most Lit Jack-O'-Lanterns" is and who has it? Well, the current record of 28,952 is held by the town of Keene, NH where they have a kickass pumpkin festival every year.

Friends of mine used to live in Vermont, just over the border from Keene, and every year they would invite us up north to hang with them and visit the pumpkin chaos as well. Nothing gets you in the Halloween spirit like a quaint New England town, with leaves in full autumn color schemes and 28,952 jack-o'-lanterns everywhere you look.

To give you an idea of how many pumpkins this is -- With 28,952 jack-o'-lanterns, you could fill every seat at a Knicks game at Madison Square Garden (19,763) + every seat at a Ani DiFranco concert at the Beacon Theatre (2,800) + every seat at a Long Island Ducks baseball game at Citibank Ballpark in Central Islip, NY (6,200). That still leaves you with a 189 pumpkins to make some pumpkin bread, some pumpkin pie or to just smash. That's a lot of fucking pumpkins! If Keene can up those numbers another 5,000 we could fill every seat in Fenway Park with jack-o'-lanterns and hence boost the intelligence level and reduce the annoyance level of Red Sox fans, which would be sweet.

Anyway, my point to this whole babble is that I just read that the asswipes at Six Flags New England in Springfield, MA are gunning for the record this year. They want to hit 30,000 jack-o'-lanterns. Well, I say, "fuck that!" Stupid corporate America doesn't have to own everything. Nobody needs the Six Flags/Looney Tunes/Warner Brothers name in the Guinness Book of World Records. I won't be able to fight the fight this year by contributing to Keene's pumpkin festival, but if you are heading that way, perhaps you could. If you are thinking of going to Six Flags keep in mind that Keene is only 77 miles from Six Flags.

Go to a real pumpkin festival not some bullshit, prefab, corporate pumpkin festival. It will certainly be more memorable and it will keep the little guy in the record books!

Monday, October 11, 2004

Any Given Saturday

I played football on Saturday up in Central Park with some of my co-workers. Today I feel as though I participated in a demolition derby without a car. I have a twisted ankle, a slightly fat lip, my ribs hurt enough that it actually causes pain to sneeze or laugh and my legs are so sore that I am walking like I might have something stuck up my ass. To make matters worse (and quite embarrassing) we played two hand touch. Not tackle.

Two hand touch football should not have me feeling like this two days after the fact. The only consolation is that everyone else who played seems to feel just as bad.

I think the sign says it all. Thanks lady!

Friday, October 8, 2004

50 Individual Batches Of Trouble

I was out with some of the folks from work last night. Since I did not have a camera last night, nor do I own a digital camera, so even if I did have a camera my photo documentation turnaround would be poor, I will be making use of Anise's (if she doesn't mind). She took this photo that I think sums up the night quite nicely.

Note: Soon following this photo being snapped, the containers were filled, hoisted and downed with much fanfare.

Thursday, October 7, 2004

Avoid The Light

On the red carpet at the Sunlight Avoidance Awards

Mmmmm Spam ...

I got an alarming e-mail at work today. The subject was: your wife knows you watch girls fingering their rectum

I don't know how she found this out, but I do know that I am going to be in a heap of trouble the next time I see her. Thanks for the "heads up" anonymous e-mailer!

Wednesday, October 6, 2004

The Truth About Those Who Blog

I received this e-mail from one of my college roommates addressed to myself and a bunch of other fools that I am friends with:

I think the scariest thing I've found out recently was that Bill has an internet blog. Not bad writing but I thought those were reserved for psychoperverts......nevermind.

I'm not a psychopervert.

Or am I?

Drinky Drink

Like beer? Like lots of variety when it comes to beer? Like music? Yes? Well, I've got something for you to do 10 short days from now:

Beer On The Pier Festival
Saturday, October 16, 2004
1:00pm - 9:00pm
Pier 54 (just south of 14th Street on the Hudson River)
New York, NY

Admission is $35.00 and includes a souvenir tasters cup and all the beer you can sample, plus some tunes by Black 47 (and others).

I'll be there and I suggest you be there too.

It's gonna be drunktastic!

Tuesday, October 5, 2004

No respect ...

Thornton Melon: "Bring us a pitcher of beer every seven minutes until somebody passes out. And then bring one every ten minutes."

Thanks for the laughs Rodney ...

Commute Conversations

This morning I woke up and decided that I was to lazy to rollerblade to work, so my plan of attack would be to take the subway. In order to cut down on some of my crosstown travel time I decided to ride my skateboard to Union Square and hop the subway there as I often do.

"Aren't you a little old to be skateboarding to work?" Probably, but what do you care?

Near my apartment, running parallel to 14th Street, there is a narrow street that goes around my apartment complex. There are cars parked on both sides of the street and one lane in between with just enough room for a car to coast along. As I am skateboarding along the two Avenues worth of road before my turnoff, this guy come up behind me and start laying on the horn.

Normally I am fairly considerate of drivers along this strip, but since he was enough of a prick to be laying on the horn at 7:00am as opposed to a simple "excuse me" beep and since there was a red light up ahead and this guy was only going to have to stop at it and then be in my way if I let him pass, I ignored him. He lays on the horn again and yells something about getting out of the way. This time I give him the finger and turn around to give him a glare of warning. The glare sometimes does the trick. I think drivers usually hit the horn and think they are going to be scaring some 14 year old punk kid. When a 190 pound, 31 year old turns around a lot of tough beepers remain quiet. Probably more out of confusion then fear.

This guy didn't remain quiet. I finally let him pass so he doesn't have a heart attack. I shouldn't have bothered as there were two cars in front of him that were going to prevent him from going anywhere fast. As opposed to speeding by he slows down to yell about "staying the fuck out of the road." I tell him to go out to 14th Street if he wants to go fast. He calls me an asshole. I briefly think about kicking up my board and giving his Honda Accord windshield and his Honda Accord-driving head a taste of 44 inches of wood, grip tape, metal and wheels. Instead I give him the timeless, "Fuck off (dramatic pause) bitch!" The "bitch" gets 'em every time.

I get back in front of him for another quarter of a block and then cut off on my cross street of choice.

Me Fail English?

That's unpossible!
So ... I'm back in the good ol' U.S. of A. I'd like to thank Mike for pointing out that I fucked up on my "Regroup The Mind" post by inadvertently using the word "hoping" instead of "hopping"


Hopping damnit. Hopping! I get it. I was hopping in seat 16F not hoping in it. Man, you'd think I was an editor or something. Get off my back.

My first day back at work (after I took a shit in Mike's desk drawer) I did a lot of scouring through my e-mails to see what I had missed. From 4:30pm on October 23 to 12:01am on October 4 I received 4,556 e-mails, and that doesn't even include the real junk in my spam folder. That 4,556 was, for the most part, work related shit. RECOCULOUS! I deleted 4,546 of them because they were crap. That is nothing but retarded. Out of 4,556 e-mails only 10 were needed. The information superhighway has become a big, ugly logjam.