Thursday, December 30, 2004

Cell Block Party

Things like this almost make me wish I was in prison:

From NY1:

Velella Reportedly Sharing Cell Block With Rapper "Shyne"
DECEMBER 29TH, 2004 -- As he settles back into his cell on Rikers Island, former state Senator Guy Velella may find he isn't the only well-known inmate on the block.

According to published reports, Velella shares a cell block with the rapper

Shyne, whose real name is Jamal Barrow, is serving a 10-year sentence for firing a gun at a Midtown nightclub in a case that gained national attention because it also involved P. Diddy and Jennifer Lopez.

Shyne is at Rikers only temporarily.

Velella turned himself in Monday to serve the remainder of his one-year sentence on bribery charges after a court ruled his early release was improper.

Velella was released nine months early in September by a previously obscure city panel, the Local Conditional Release Commission, raising concerns about improper influence. An ensuing investigation found the decision was technically illegal because the minimum number of members was not physically present at the vote.

The Court of Appeals is expected to decide next month whether to take up his case.

The once powerful Bronx Republican pleaded guilty last May to accepting bribes in exchange for steering government contracts.

It's My Car and I'll Dress How I Want To

It sucks to get caught, but who hasn't done this before?

Cops Catch Naked Man Sitting in Car
Dec 29, 2004 8:53 am US/Eastern(1010 WINS) (Brewster, NY ) A naked man has been arrested while sitting in his car in an apartment parking lot in Brewster. The Putnam County Sheriff's Department says a deputy wondered why the car was running with its light off last night. The deputy walked over to the car and found 21-year-old Philip Rabito of Brewster in the driver's seat with no clothes on. He was arrested for public lewdness and possession of marijuana.

Police don't know where Rabito's clothes are, or why he was there.

CA vs. LP

I know every little bit counts and all that, but isn't it a tad bit pathetic that Computer Associates International, Inc. is donating $200,000 to support the tsunami relief effort while the band Linkin Park is donating $100,000? A multi-billion dollar corporation with 15,300 employees (and offices in Indonesia, Thailand and India) is dropping $200,000 while six jokers from California in a band are donating $100,000? $200,000 divided by the number of employees equals about $13.07 for each employee (versus $16,666.67 for each member of Linkin Park). CA could probably get more than that if they just asked for donations from individual employees. OK, so they are also matching individual employee donations too, but come on CA! I know you didn't have to donate anything at all, but if you are going to donate ... well, donate.

Wednesday, December 29, 2004

Bound to Happen

Someone got to this site today by searching: Jessica+Biel+bound+with+duct+tape

I don't mean to disappoint, but I don't think such a photo exists ... unless someone has broken into my basement with a camera and posted the results.

Tuesday, December 28, 2004

Adjust Those Maps

In further tsunami news:

Remember back in elementary school when some teacher told you that all the earth's land masses used to be aligned differently -- like you could walk from Alaska to Russia or South America to Africa?

Well, perhaps it your teacher was telling the truth and even more frightening, it seems we're still on the move (please God or Mother Earth or whoever is doing all this moving ... please don't move New York next to France):

Quake rattled Earth orbit, changed map of Asia: US geophysicist
Mon Dec 27, 8:33 PM ET

LOS ANGELES, (AFP) - An earthquake that unleashed deadly tidal waves on Asia was so powerful it made the Earth wobble on its axis and permanently altered the regional map, US geophysicists said.

The 9.0-magnitude temblor that struck 250 kilometers (155 miles) southeast of Sumatra island Sunday may have moved small islands as much as 20 meters (66 feet), according to one expert.

"That earthquake has changed the map," US Geological Survey expert Ken Hudnut told AFP.

"Based on seismic modeling, some of the smaller islands off the southwest coast of Sumatra may have moved to the southwest by about 20 meters. That is a lot of slip."

The northwestern tip of the Indonesian territory of Sumatra may also have shifted to the southwest by around 36 meters (120 feet), Hudnut said.

In addition, the energy released as the two sides of the undersea fault slipped against each other made the Earth wobble on its axis, Hudnut said.

"We can detect very slight motions of the Earth and I would expect that the Earth wobbled in its orbit when the earthquake occurred due the massive amount of energy exerted and the sudden shift in mass," Hudnut said.

Another USGS research geophysicist agreed that the Earth would have got a "little jog," and that the islands off Sumatra would have been moved by the quake.

However, Stuart Sipkin, of the USGS National Earthquake Information Center in Golden Colorado, said it was more likely that the islands off Sumatra had risen higher out of the sea than they had moved laterally.

"In in this case, the Indian plate dived below the Burma plate, causing uplift, so most of the motion to the islands would have been vertical, not horizontal."

The tsunamis unleashed by the fourth-biggest earthquake in a century have left at least 23,675 people dead in eight countries across Asia and as far as Somalia in East Africa.

The tsunamis wiped out entire coastal villages and pulled beach-goers out to sea.

The International Red Cross estimated that up to one million people have been displaced by the natural calamity.


This tsunami business in Asia is nuts. I am becoming obsessed with reading people's eyewitness and survival stories.

I visited a friend of mine who used to live in Thailand a few times, and the last time I was there I stayed on Ko Lanta, one of the islands that got pounded (although not as bad as some other places).

The latest report I read said that hundreds more have perished in Ko Lanta and on Ko Phi Phi (another island near Lanta). I could have been one of the unlucky ones if the earth had timed its rumblings differently. I can picture my lazy ass on the beach with a book, some pineapple and a bad sunburn, not even noticing the wave heading towards me, grabbing hold and turning me into a human torpedo. I would have been doomed for sure. Probably swept into a palm tree or elephant or something like that and ~snap~ goes my neck.

This account on is a good one for showing how screwed you are when a tsunami attacks (someone actually said "tsunami attack" on CNN earlier as though it was a crazed animal or an invading army):
PHUKET, Thailand (CNN) -- What do you do when you see a huge wave-wall
coming at you? You run. You run as fast as you can. You think: "This is surreal."

But you keep running ... until the water lifts you off your feet and sweeps you onwards.

It makes no difference whether you can swim or not.

The force carries you forward, and you become a living, breathing projectile. Grab onto something and you may live.

Surf the wave and you have a chance. Hit something solid, and you die.

The place I stayed in was pretty much right on the beach and made of bamboo with a little tile/cement in the bathroom. As a matter of fact, almost every place along the beach was pretty much the same style. I am guessing most of those places don't exist anymore.

These stories don't make things sound very promising:

As an Australian medic I, along with two other medical students who witnessed the tsunami were taken to the Ko Lanta hospital where we have worked since midday. I was involved in 2 unsuccessful resuscitations of drowning victims, and treated over sixty foreign holidaymakers with injuries, mainly multiple fractures, some severe such as skull fractures and suspected spinal fractures ... People are awaiting another wave and most are camping out on hilltops, not that any accommodation at beach level remains.
- Benjamin Gilmour, Thailand
Link to full article (subscription needed)

A lot of people have arrived from the islands over the last few days, though the situation in Ko Phi Phi and Ko Lanta is fairly dire -- there are reports of significant numbers of Western casualties."
- Tom Carter, of the British emergency consulate in Phuket, Thailand
Link to full article

Hold on my little Ko Lanta friends. Things can only get better.

PS You guys in that tourism booking/internet cafe place in Ban Saladan with the Osama Bin Laden wallpaper on your computer. I hope you, or at the very least, your computers are buried in mud.

Monday, December 27, 2004

Deja Vu

Sometimes Albany is like a timewarp.

The other night I was driving back to my parent's house from Albany. It was dark, the roads were pretty empty, my faint smell of beer was on my breath and Come Out And Play by the Offspring was on the radio.

It could have easily been 1994.

Thursday, December 23, 2004

'Tis the Season (you stingy bitch)

In April Rigo is going to be swimming, biking and running his ass off in a triathlon down in Florida. He's doing it for a good cause. Two good causes actually -- getting in shape and raising money for The The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society.

Since this is the season of giving and all that, why don't you take some of your holiday bonus or if you didn't get a bonus just take some of your hard-earned cash and hook him (and The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society) up!

Stop being such a selfish scrooge and get givin' right here.

Color Me Xmas

Feeling festive? Well, perhaps that's because the blue has turned to green here at

That's right! We're in full on Christmas mode, so you're getting red and green as the theme for the next couple of days.

Enjoy ... and Merry Christmas!

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

Fe, Fi, Fo, Fum!

Me Shaq.

Shaq big.

Shaq hungry.

Mmmmm number eleven.

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

The Weekend

This past weekend was a sporting one for me. Not participation though. Strictly viewing.

Saturday was football. Thanks to Mike and his NJ connections, I got to witness the Steelers beat the Giants in person (as opposed to my usual position at home on the couch). The deal even included a car ride to the game. You can't beat that. It was a good game and my first trip to Giants Stadium for a sporting event (I was there one other time for Ozzfest back in 1997, but most don't consider that a sport). It was much colder being off the couch and sitting outside, and the line for the bathroom was longer, the beers were a tad more expensive, but the excitement is definitely higher in person then through my TV.

Sunday was basketball. I went to see Marist play St. John's in fabulous Queens at the newly named Lou Carnesecca Arena. St. John's was pretty bad, but unfortunately my boys from Marist were even worse. Damn you Red Storm. Daaaamn yooooouuuuu!

So, that was pretty much the weekend. Somewhere in there I managed to drink some beers, eat some Indian food and purchased a Christmas tree too. Speaking of Christmas ... holy shit! Only 4 shopping days left.

Thursday, December 16, 2004

Pedro Ridin' the 7 Train

Dear Mets,

I really hope this all works out for you.

Really. I do.


PS This cost you $53 million?

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

The Envelope

I'm blading home along 14th Street after work today and as I pull up along a car I see something on its roof. It is way back, about to slide down the rear window and more than likely down to the road. Upon second look I see that the object is a file -- apparently called an expanding wallet.

The car is rolling along, but rather slowly due to the driver fighting traffic and attempting to take a right hand turn without running over pedestrians. I'm on the right hand side of the car, so I grab the "wallet" and knock on the rear window. He looks quickly over his shoulder and says something I can't hear. I try showing him the expanding wallet. No dice. I give another quick tap, but he has found a gap in between the people in the crosswalk and gasses it forward. I roll up to the driver's side and knock again. He now looks panicked like I might want to drag him out of the car and rape him or something and pulls away with the quickness. I had thoughts of giving chase, but decided I had already gone beyond my call of duty.

I was about to just drop the expanding wallet in the street where it would have wound up if I didn't come skating along, but then started thinking about what might be inside. Important documents for a big trial? Plans for murdering the President? The cure for cancer? A whole bunch of weed?

I decide to hold onto the loot and check out its contents upon my arrival home. I'm praying for something important along with a business card or something so I could call the owner up and tell him I have his shit, but because he is such a spastic driver and skater hater he'd never see it again.

I get home, take off my bag, my hat, my jacket. I grab the expanding wallet and take off the elastic cord that is holding the treasure safe inside its confines. I open the top flap and peer inside ... it's the fucking New York Post. That's it.

What a rip off.

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

No Joke

Perhaps George W.'s next strategic move will be to send Costa Rican taxi drivers to Afghanistan to sniff out Bin Laden? --> link

Saturday, December 11, 2004

Post Party

So, mission accomplished as far as my plan for the work holiday party went. I didn't get drunk enough to act like a jackass which is all for the best.

Towards the end of the night there was some co-worker hook-ups happening. This is inevitable I guess, but there is always some worry with the parties involved about how it will effect the other participant and how it may be viewed by other witnesses.

I think my high school friend Pete said it best. During one of the summers during college, a day after a lewd affair by yours truly, my friends and I were playing basketball. During a break from playing, a few girls we were friends with who were hanging out started giving me shit about my antics. Pete, who wasn't one to judge, especially in that arena, clearly didn't think I deserved what I was getting and throws in his two cents ~~

Pete interjects: Did you have fun?
Me: Yeah.
Pete: Do you think she did?
Me: I presume so.
Pete: Did you make any promises you can't keep?
Me: (Not knowing where he was going with this) No. I didn't make any promises.
Pete: Hmmmm. And did anyone get hurt?
Me: No.
Pete: So you had fun and nobody got hurt?
Me: Yeah?
Pete: Just as I thought. There is no problem. Now shut the fuck up. We're playing basketball.

So, any of you that feel dirty/confused/guilty or whatever due to your questionable acts just ask yourself Pete's questions. That might clear your name and your conscience. If it doesn't clear your name then you are a selfish, insensitive, dirty, dirty slut.

Name cleared or not, you should go clean your genitals! Gross.

Friday, December 10, 2004

The Plan

I'm leaving for my company's holiday party in a short while. It is nice to have a guaranteed drunkathon on Friday as opposed to say a Thursday as has been done in the past. I am presuming that it costs more to rent out a place on a Friday, but you have to think of the level of productivity the day after a open bar. The money saved by having a party on Thursday has got to be lost on the Friday following. Anyway, it is on a Friday, so let's not sweat it.

My plan is to get drunk but to not be "that guy" or "Frank the Tank" or just plain old "fired." I'll let someone else fill those roles for me. Hopefully someone will create some quality blogging material.

Time Management

"When something is important to you, you find a way to make the time. Or rather, the time makes itself."
- Mike Patton

Thursday, December 9, 2004

Pimp Your iPod

The holiday season is upon us. Sure it is a fun time, but you know it can sometimes be a bit difficult to decide upon a gift -- a GOOD gift -- to give to someone. Well, my friend Gary has started this e-commerce site that might very well make your mission to find a good gift to give for Christmas/Kwanzaa/Chanukah (no matter how you spell it)/Winter Solstice/New Year's or some other future occasion or holiday a bit easier.

On you can hook up that someone special with a package of love and gadgetry that can make their iPod a multi-faceted tool of technological usefulness. Everybody check it out (family/friends of Duke University freshman especially) and get buying.

They get something good. You get to avoid the mall. Everybody wins!

Damageplan ... Damagedone

Well, since I lack any grace in discussing things of such shock/irritation/tragedy I'll just say that this news is fucked up. Everytime I read it I actually feel a little sick.

For those of you too lazy to click on the link, former Pantera guitarist "Dimebag" Darrell was shot and killed (along with two other people) while playing at a club in Columbus, OH with his new band Damageplan. The shooter was shot and killed, so unfortunately we may never know why someone would do something so assholic.

Pantera was one of my favorites, especially live. Dimebag really was one of the best guitarists ever (especially in the metal genre) AND let's not forget his goatee. That shit was pretty kickass too.

I repeat ... Fucked up.
"Dimebag" Darrell
08/20/66 - 12/08/04

Thursday, December 2, 2004

Annan and On and On

Today, on my way to work, having nothing to read I pulled the ol' read the paper of the guy a couple of seats down move. The paper was either the New York Post or New York Daily News (as is so often the case with subway news readers) and as I skimmed the story facing me I catch the somewhat fragmented, "a gay man who described a lurid homosexual encounter he claims he had with Ted Ammon" For one reason or another I read "Ted Ammon" as "Kofi Annan"

"A lurid homosexual encounter with Kofi Annan" Now that's a news story the world doesn't need to see.

I don't know what is wrong with me. First the Maroon 5 post and now this? Therapy, here I come.

I Know ... I'm Going to Hell

Is this:
(a) Adam Levine, lead singer of Maroon 5 performing live?
(b) a rowdy special ed. class talent show?

One Day Left

So, tomorrow is my last day working in Manhattan, as my job is moving from New York City to a slightly less hip "City" ... Jersey City.

Yup, Jersey City. Just across the mighty Hudson to the land where Frank Sinatra was married and lived, NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue and acting genius Malcolm-Jamal Warner were born and Kool & the Gang started groovin'.

It's gonna be great (please read "great" as Tony the Tiger would say it, but with much sarcasm).

Quite an Aura

I just got back from picking up some clothes from the Aura Cleaners on 602 East 14th Street, NYC. If the girl who works behind the counter there (and she ALWAYS seems to be working by the way) isn't the most glad-to-help, efficient and friendly person you'll ever encounter in any sort of job (especially in NYC) I'd like to hear about it.

Oh, and by the way ... my clothes come out pretty damn good too.

Tuesday, November 30, 2004

WB for HoF

In the sports world, there is talk of who should be voted into the Major League Baseball Hall of Fame this year. I say Wade Boggs.

Sure his baseball stats are impressive (.328 BA, 1,014 RBI, 3,010 hits over 18 seasons), but I think there are two other things that move him up to the next level, making him Hall of Fame material.

Number 1: He was on The Simpsons. Yes, I know there were some other Hall of Fame hopefuls that also appeared on The Simpsons. That is why there is a number 2.

Number 2: He rode on the back of a police horse after the Yankees won the World Series in 1996.

It is a simple mathematical equation really: great baseball statistics + Simpsons appearance + riding on a police horse with police officer in Yankee Stadium after winning World Series = Hall of Fame

Monday, November 29, 2004


Blade Trinity is hitting theaters in the U.S. of A. on December 8.

Will it be good? Perhaps ... perhaps not. Either way, one thing is for certain -- Jessica Biel is looking good with bow and arrow in hand:

(click on pictures for bigger views)

Tur-key to Success

I think it is safe to say the Turkey Day was a success. Not that it takes a lot of talent to be successful.

Are you full?


Mission Accomplished.

Actually there was a bit more judgment than that. This Thanksgiving I had my parents, father-in-law, brother-in-law, sister-in-law and nephew over for the feast. We did the whole deal: turkey, green bean casserole, mashed potatoes, dinner rolls, cranberry sauce, sweet potatoes, stuffing, gravy and of course pie (apple and pumpkin). It was a hit with the fam and with myself as well.

As far as turkey cooking goes, this is the key to juicy eatin': click.

Stick the thermometer into the turkey thigh, run the cable out of the oven and plug it into the thermometer, set the temperature (175F for turkey) and your happy thermometer will alert you with an annoying beeping sound when the bird wants out of the heat. Done and done.

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Sounds the Same ... Tastes Different

"Oh man, this is CRAZY. When I lived in Texas we'd always eat chili. Now I'm in a country called Chile! They're spelled different, but sound the same. Who knew? Check out the crazy getup they've got us politicians in. It's totally business casual or something. Oooh, now I wish I had some chili right now. Chili in Chile. Get it?"

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

Turn That Frown Upside Down

Have a nice day insurgents!

Who knew shooting Iraqis could be so F-U-N? Right smiley face?

Monday, November 22, 2004

Under a Spell

So, any option of my life being productive have just come to an abrupt halt. The cause? I made the mistake of purchasing Halo 2. Now all I can think of is firing up the Xbox and killing aliens.

I am not usually a video game nerd, but something about Halo suckers me in. It becomes an addiction ... an unhealthy addiction. If I get things wired up properly and I get the Xbox live going I may never leave my apartment again.

Damn you Bill Gates!


So, there hasn't been much going on here on the Tastes Like Burning blog front as of late. I guess it is safe to say there are three basic reasons for this.

  1. I haven't had anything exciting to report
  2. I've been feeling lazy
  3. Work is cracking down on non-work related internet use. Apparently blogs are not work related.

Friday, November 19, 2004


Do you like office supplies? Do you like celebrities? Do you like office supplies autographed by celebrities? Well check out this auction and you can bid on staplers autographed by your favorite celebrity. The money will go to charity. How nice.

By the way, the stapler that the majority of the celebs are signing is this one: crunch. I have the same one at work (I bought it myself). It's the shit. 20 pages with ease, all for $14.99. Worth every penny.

If you don't dig the celebrities, feel free to purchase an unsigned one for yourself I would be happy to autograph it for you ...

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

Fists of Fury

On Sunday, before the showdown between the Steelers and Browns, there was a fight involving Joey Porter, William Green, and Terrelle Smith. During the skirmish, Porter popped Green in the mouth (what's up biyatch!?). Porter and Smith were ejected from the game before it had even begun and all three were fined $10,000.

I looked up Joey Porter's salary, but could only find what he was paid last year. Presumably he is getting a bit more this year. Anyway, with some of my piss-poor math skills I figured that a $10,000 fine to Porter would be equivalent to me being fined about $250.

Sure, I'd rather not be out $250, but I'll tell you what ... if I knew that it would only cost me a day off from work and $250 I'd be punching co-workers, competitors and clients at least once a month.

Monday, November 15, 2004

After the Celebrity

I had started Saturday evening with a couple of drinks at a bar, went to dinner and downed more drinks and then with the excitement of eating very near a celebrity still fresh in my mind, my Saturday continued on. How better to top off the action than with some karaoke!? All was fun -- especially with my rendition of Interstate Love Song and Sweet Child of Mine -- but I'll tell you what ... Sunday I felt none too good. As a matter of fact I still wasn't feeling quite right even on Monday. Sunday I woke up around 10am and couldn't get back to sleep, so moved to the couch. There I stayed until around 4pm. All day, waves of feeling OK, swept away with waves of nausea and then back to OK again. It sucked, but at least I didn't barf. I hadn't felt that shitty in I don't know how long. On a side note: having no football viewing options other than the Jets and Giants doesn't help hangovers much either. Fuck you New York football!

All I can think about is that the holiday season of parties and overindulgence is fast approaching. I can't have this beaten down feeling the entire month of December. I won't make it to 2005.

Must get a plan ...

Rubbing Elbows

Just to let you know what a highfalutin kinda guy I am, this past Saturday I went out to dinner for a friend's birthday and who was sitting in the table right behind mine? Josh Mostel! Yes, the Josh Mostel. Star of Billy Madison (Principal Max Anderson/The Revolting Blob), City Slickers and City Slickers II (Barry Shalowitz), and many other fine motion pictures, sitting in the very same restaurant as me.

Now who's happenin'?

Thursday, November 11, 2004


Have nothing to do this weekend? Well, on Saturday there is a little something going on that might just do you right. I've been to other "events" with Chengwin and Chunk before, and although it sounds like they are getting more and more elaborate, hopefully it won't lose the chaotic mess that makes a good time be had by all.

This time around will be a massive athletic showdown between arch-enemies Chengwin (half-chicken, half-penguin) and Chunk (half-chicken, half-skunk). The two compete for the affection of the Homecoming Queen, Chove (half-chicken, half-dove), on a temporary playing field downtown, fully supported by announcers, coaches, referees, cheerleaders, and even a marching band. Audience participation for the game is highly encouraged, so Chengwin fans wear white, Chunk fans black. Extra pom-pom-bedecked cheerleaders, as well as other archetypal homecoming personages, are also heartily welcome.

The kind folk at the National Weather Service are predicting temps to be in the 40 degree range with partly cloudy skies. That sounds like football weather to me ...






Wednesday, November 10, 2004


This past Sunday I went out to Long Island City to watch some of the ING New York City Marathon (you can't forget the ING ... or else!) with some friends. Our particular viewing location in L.I.C. was somewhere between mile 13 and 14 of the race and was not very crowded, but for some reason I had people unnecessarily close to me. One particular moment I thought I had entered the Twilight Zone.

On my left was an older woman who had her sheltie with her. She was holding the dog in her arms and talking to it like it was a small child. "Do you see all the runners?" Ooh, look at that guy's sneakers." "Did you see how skinny that woman was?" "Do you like the marathon?" I didn't hear the dog respond to any of this.

To avoid Ms. Crazy and her dog, I slid over to my right a bit. Over there was no better. A posse of parents with their little kids running around all over the place was inhabiting that space. For the most part they were OK, but this one woman from the group was on the roadway side of the NYPD barricades keeping an eye out for some friends that were running. God knows you can't see anything from the spectator side of the barricade. I found her pretty annoying to begin with due to the fact that she felt obligated to be on the wrong side of the barricade, her unnecessarily loud voice and the fact that she kept inching further out onto the road causing some runners to slightly adjust course. Who the fuck wants to avoid some idiot spectator after they have already run 13+ miles? The thing that bumped her from annoying to alarming was the fact that she was drinking TaB soda. Fucking TaB! I felt like I was in a 1977 time warp.

Anyway, I eventually got away from the freakshows around me and all was well once again ...

Now if you will excuse me I am going to go enjoy an frosty TaB and play some Space Invaders on my Atari 2600 with my dog.

A Balanced Meal of Thanks

This Turkey Day I am having my parents, as well as some of the in-laws coming over to Thanksgiving dinner. It is bound to be a fiasco as all crowded holiday events tend to be. I think I may have just found a way to make the day a bit more relaxed. No cooking for me. It's liquid Thanksgiving for all: Yummy

Tuesday, November 9, 2004

Reflections on Nipplegate

So, this Tara Reid exposure on the red carpet situation is quite a hot topic of interest (at least in the internet search world). Up to this point, I have been averaging about 500 hits on my site per month but since posting the blurb on Tara's revealing mistake I am already over 500 in the last two days. Just like rubberneckers driving by an accident on the highway people can't look away from the horror. The human curiosity just can't be ignored.

I had sent the link of the Nipplegate photos to a friend of mine on Friday, Nov. 5. I get a response back on Saturday, Nov. 6:

I've played with some breast reduced boobies and they did not have nasty scars like THAT. for the money she paid, that is gross. Did she have them done yesterday?

Then, on Tuesday, Nov. 9, after a few days to let his brain digest what his eyes had encountered he followed up with more:

I am considering doing breast enlargements in my shed for extra cash for the local main street skanks here in C-------n. hack saw, chisel, and duct tape. and I have extra tools if you want to join me. that is still gagging me. those Frankenstein nipples.

You know you are dealing with an odd situation when you've got average American men grossed out by breasts.

Frankenstein nipples. That's great.

Monday, November 8, 2004

Wisdom Inside a Cap

During my Monday Night Football watching I enjoyed a few Magic Hat #9s. Inside the caps they have little ... well, I guess you can call them words of wisdom. I learned two things from my beer tonight:

(1) Herbert the Pervert likes Sherbert
(2) Pull my finger but do not linger

You are very wise, my little beer caps. Thank you for sharing your infinite wisdom.

Saturday, November 6, 2004

The H Saves the Day

So, I went to my Election Day rockathon the other day, and although it certainly was better than sitting around watching the jerkoffs on the news speculate about election winners, it wasn't as rockin' as I was hoping.

First, there was an extra opening band, Idle Sons. They reminded me of a heavier rockin' Bryan Adams in band form. OK to watch, but if they were on the radio I would probably flip around to see if anything else was on.

Thanks to Idle Sons, the Burden Brothers, who I actually wanted to see, didn't get much time on stage. While they played, I thought they were pretty good, but they only played five or six songs. I stood waiting for the roadies to set up the band's shit and run a sound check longer than the band actually played. That's crap.

Luckily, Local H came out next and saved the day. They sounded great -- even better than the other times I have seen them. Scott (the singer) had a nice new haircut and lost some weight too. Nice work Scott. They threw in a brief "Fuck George Bush" just to remind us what day it was, but other then that it was straight rockin'. Just what the doctor ordered. If I were to be running for President of the U.S of A. someday, I would certainly have Local H play at the inauguration. That would start things off proper.

I wound up leaving after Local H, so I never saw headliners Finger Eleven. With a can of Budweiser going for $5 and my feet/back getting tired of standing, I decided I had enough. I guess I will regret it someday when Finger Eleven is big time, but for now I feel OK about it.

Moral to the story? None.

Friday, November 5, 2004

Reid Between The Lines

Some might like this post/link because they think that Tara Reid is hot, but I tend to like it just for the embarrassment factor (if she is even capable of being embarrassed). I have to say, of all the ways to do something embarrassing, red carpet embarrassment is one of the best kinds ...

Anyway, I'm sure this doesn't need my help to be spread around, but if you would like to see what a dumbass Tara Reid is, you might like to look here for a series of photos from the red carpet at P. Diddy's 35th birthday. You should read's recap of the incident first:

New York, November 4 -- P. Diddy didn't run naked down Wall Street at his birthday party as he promised the other day, but Tara Reid did. We thought it was intentional when the starlet dropped her dress strap, popped her left breast out and then posed, smiling for photographers. When a handler tiptoed over and tugged the loose strap back into place, a look of horror crossed Reid's face, and we realized it was a mistake.

I guess when you get yourself some fake tits you need to show 'em off somehow. Even if it is an accident. Kudos, Tara! Kudos.

By the way, during the breast augmentation procedure, did your surgeon use a crowbar to pry back your nipple and then pop in the implant? Yeeouch! That does not look healthy.

Watch Out Lavigne

Last week I caught Skye Sweetnam performing on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno (I think it was a repeat, but that's not the point). I have two words for Avril Lavigne -- "Watch" and "Out" That's right Avril. Skye has your number. She's cute, she's Canadian, she sings (better than you), what she sings is catchy and she writes some of her own stuff. Plus, she toured with Britney Spears so she caters to that crowd (whatever that crowd is exactly), but ain't so prissy to not appeal to the Avril-type "rock" crowd.

I'm not saying we, the music listening public need drama or a catfight, but Avril you are going to need to pick it up a bit if you want to retain your status.

Death Defying

During the summer months I put some of my plants outside on the air conditioner so they can enjoy maximum sunlight (and take up less room inside). I have been thinking about bringing them in due to the approaching cold, but they're tough and it hasn't gotten that cold yet, so they remain out there.

This morning I look out the window and for some strange reason actually look towards my plants. I notice instead of three plants on my living room air conditioner, there are now only two. I think I know the culprit -- it is pretty damn windy today here in NYC. The wind is blowing in the 25 - 30 MPH range with gusts getting up to 50MPH. The odd thing is that the missing plant is not the one I would expect to be subject to wind issues. The one I would expect to be the wind's toy is small and in a plastic pot, while the one missing is larger and in a terra cotta pot. There's quite a weight difference. Hmmmmm ...

I become a bit fearful for I live on the 8th floor of my building. I open my window and poke my head out to see if I see any sign of the missing pot, half expecting to see a body lying down on the wet sidewalk below.

No body.

No plant either.

Then I see the plant. It has managed to avoid the sidewalk and is lying near the sparse bushes below. I figure the pot is a goner, but plants can always be repotted. It is a pot of mint, which I need so my mojitos can be created fresh, just like when Castro and I used to party at his place in Cuba. I decided to go retrieve my plant.

I go downstairs, run over to the plant and the miracle is revealed. The pot is in one piece. How is this possible? It did land in some mulchy type material, but still after 8 floors? It seems to defy physics that a clay pot can survive that sort of drop AND not kill anyone.

In your face Mother Nature! You can not defeat me!!

Thursday, November 4, 2004


One of the nights I was in Chicago back in August it began raining harder than I have ever witnessed in my lifetime. We ducked into a bar called Yakzies to get out of Mother Nature's fury and enjoy some frosty beers at the same time.

Well, the bar is downstairs (picture Cheers) and we no sooner got into the bar and order beers when water starts gathering around my feet.

At first I thought maybe the bar floor was uneven and the water was only where we were standing, but then I look across the bar and realize that there is water everywhere. The rain was pouring down the stairs and into the bar like a waterfall. I ask the bartender, "Is this normal?" He responds, "I've seen it once or twice before."

Bar stools suddenly become a commodity.

I'm expecting the bar to close, but everyone just keeps doing their usual bar-type things and just as the rain continues to flow into the bar, the beer continues to flow too. The water continues to rise until it is well over my shoes. There was beer bottles, popcorn, garbage cans and whothefuck knows what else floating around in there.

It was fairly disgusting and it was damn wet, but it was evident that it was more wet outside, and there was more beer inside, so we stayed. At least in the bar we were dry from the shins up. Plus, when does a little inconvenience like wading in bar sludge stop a good time when a bottle of Miller Lite is in your hand?

Wednesday, November 3, 2004

Four More Years of Retardo

So, it looks like we've got another four years with George W. Bush as our fearless leader. As I see the war in Iraq raging on, my health insurance premiums and co-pays going up, my rent going up, unemployment not going down, the environment being plundered and Osama Bin Laden still running around I can't say I am very thrilled about this outcome. I'm not big into politics, but four more years of stupidity are causing me to feel a bit sick to my stomach.


Sunday, October 31, 2004

Election Day Rock

What am I doing on election day?


Yeah, well besides that.

Goin' to vote?

Correct once again, but I was referring to something else.

Sitting at home waiting to hear the outcome of the election?

Hells no. This time you are incorrect. On election day, I'm going to be out rockin'.

I'll be going to Irving Plaza to be entertained by three bands: Burden Brothers, Local H and Finger Eleven. Nothing like a day full of work, voting and rock and roll to make you feel like a red-blooded American! I should probably look into getting some apple pie too.

The Burden Brothers are one of my favorites as of late. The singer is the former singer of the now defunct Toadies and the drummer has formerly rocked with Reverend Horton Heat, Tenderloin, and Izzy Stradlin. I once saw the Toadies back in 1996 and they rocked, so I can only expect the same from Burden Brothers. Their latest album kicks ass. My only concern is that they are from Texas. I hope they don't get all pro-Bush on us. I don't think that would go over too well in NYC.

Next on the agenda is Local H. Just two guys. A drummer and a guitar player. I have also seen these guys in concert before -- numerous times in fact. The first time I saw them I was hooked. I saw them open up for Corrosion of Conformity at Saratoga Winners in Latham, NY. While they were playing, some guy in the crowd kept heckling them. In between songs he kept yelling the usual heckler routine: "Get off the stage" "You suck" "We want C.O.C." After a bit of this he blurts out another "You suck." The singer of Local H yells back, "So do you. Fuck off." and kicks into the next song. They have a new drummer now, but they still rock. Check out this example of their work: It's a live version of High-Fiving MF with a little anti-Bush added in ~blam~ or you can check out their cover of Toxic by Britney Spears ~blam~.

The headliners are Finger Eleven. I don't really know anything about them, except for the fact that they are Canadian. I would prefer it if one of the other bands was headlining, but I will take what the promoters give me and will at least stay for a listen. Afterall, Canadians do know how to rock ... need I mention a little band called Glass Tiger?

So, now you know where I will be on Tuesday. If you care to join in on the fun I am fairly certain that tickets are still available, so why not go vote and then come buy me a beer and listen to some tunes?

Friday, October 29, 2004

Friday Fun

After work today I was skating home down Broadway as is often the case. The traffic was a bit thicker than usual -- it gets like that on some Fridays. Anyway, the whole way down I could hear a truck laying on the horn as traffic would get jammed up. Baaaamp. Baaaaamp. It was a loud horn. Tractor trailer style. It was getting a bit irritating.

At one point, I tried to get in front of some sluggish traffic with a quick burst of speed. There was some water or some other liquid in the road right where I tried to do my acceleration. My right foot slipped way out to the side and after a couple of bumbling, stumbling slippery steps I regained my upright position. Phheew. I was pretty close to going down. No worries though. I was up and at it again.

A block or so later, from off to my right I hear, "You almost lost it baby, wooooooooo. Be careful." Baaaamp. Baaaaamp. Sure enough it was the loud horn guy. He was at the helm of a Great Bear Water truck and from the looks of things he was lovin' every minute of it. I smiled and gave him a thumbs up, just to let him know that I was happy someone enjoyed my display of tempting death.

Keep on truckin' my humor-filled, truck driving friend. Everyone needs to be hydrated and everyone needs to laugh.

Those Pesky Side Effects

I saw a commercial for LEVITRA last night. I always get amused by the side effects/warnings on prescription drugs in general, but I think this one takes the cake. I remember during the Super Bowl last year laughing about the warning for LEVITRA of "If you get an erection that lasts more than 4 hours, get medical help right away." Last night I noticed during the commercial written in small print was: LEVITRA does not protect you or your partner from sexually transmitted diseases including HIV.

No shit?

Yeah, I'd guess that taking LEVITRA actually increases your odds of sexually transmitted diseases considering that if you have taken LEVITRA you probably wouldn't be having sex otherwise.


Here are the list of safety/side effects if you are worried: boing

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Just One Week

With Election Day just around the corner there is quite a bit of excitement in the air.

Who will be out new President of the good ol' U.S. of A.?

Will Florida make a royal, embarrassing mess out of the election process?

Will the terrorists sabotage the election with threats and/or bloodshed?

Anyway, tonight's 7:00pm showing of The Simpsons was pretty damn fitting of the whole mudslinging, big promising deal that is an American election:

The episode was number 4F02, better known by its common title of Treehouse of Horror VII. This was originally aired back in October of '96, so the candidates are different then what we are dealing with in '04, but feel free to change the names and the issues for a more modern feel. I think the results will be the same. Oh, to get you up to speed ... Two aliens -- Kang and Kodos -- have kidnapped Bob Dole and Bill Clinton and through "bio-duplication" are now disguised as the two candidates.

Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen, 73-year-old
candidate, Bob Dole.

Kang: Abortions for all.
[crowd boos]
Very well, no abortions for anyone.
[crowd boos]
Hmm... Abortions for some, miniature American flags for others.
[crowd cheers and waves miniature flags]

After the speech ~
Kang: Fooling these Earth voters is easier than expected.
Kodos: Yes. All they want to hear are bland pleasantries embellished by an occasional saxophone solo or infant kiss.

One week to go. I can't wait to vote.

One of Those Days

Today was one of those days when it felt like work nearly killed me. Those types of days happen every so often, but when they do I can never really remember when the last one was or what was so bad about it. I just know I have had that feeling before, and I don't like it. I must have a way of pushing the horror to some far away black hole in my mind that only hypnotism could uncover.

At one point I forced myself to leave my desk. I didn't make it very far, only to the breakroom. I plopped down on the couch until I was able to get my head in order. Sometimes it's amazing what a couch can do. I had some thoughts of going to get a lottery ticket (a.k.a. a ticket out of the working world), but was feeling too lazy to bother. That's not a good sign, when you are too blah to buy a lottery ticket.

Anyway, I am home now, and I have to say that after my skate home, a run, some diner and some Simpsons the memory of work is going to be packed away in my black hole. It is like the day never happened.

It's Hump Day tomorrow ...

Empire State ... Represent!

Were you born and/or raised somewhere in New York State? Did you go to school somewhere in New York State? Do you like stupidity ... especially in clothing form?

If you answered "yes" to one or more of these questions you might want to check out what you can get here:

By the way I answered "yes" to all three, hence I am the owner of "Albany Is Eggcellent."

Sunday, October 24, 2004

H2Open Up

Can someone explain to me what the deal is with NFL players during timeouts? Why does someone have to squeeze water/Gatorade into their mouths for them? I can understand someone running the fluid out to them on the field, but actually doing the feeding seems mighty stupid -- almost zoo-like.

If you are some lineman with his hands all taped up, then maybe you can't hold a water bottle yourself. You are excused. But if you are not all taped up and have any dexterity, then extend your hands that you grab onto your million dollar checks with and feed yourselves!

Friday, October 22, 2004

The Land of the HUGE

In Bermuda, you don't get to see all that much of the animal kingdom. There are plenty in the surrounding waters, but I am talking about on land. When I was there last month I saw a few lizards and some birds (if you count birds as land animals), but that was about all. Then, I ran into some creatures of mammoth proportions, making me think I may have walked onto the set of some crappy horror movie:

The first thing I see is the biggest slug my peepers have ever laid themselves upon. Thoughtfully photographed with my hand as to give it some size perspective. Yikes!

The horror doesn't end there. There's more ...

A night or two later I look out the hotel window and see something suspect moving along the driveway. I run outside to encounter the biggest toad I have ever seen. As it turns out, this thing is commonly referred to as Giant Toad, so apparently it is the biggest toad most people have ever seen.

Luckily I controlled my urges and didn't pick it up to see how heavy it was. I found out later that they emit a poison which if gets in the eyes can cause temporary blindness. Nothing like toad induced blindness while on vacation to really make it a memorable one.
For the photos of the toad I put one of my Teva sandals near it for size comparison. It worked out OK, but it could have been something awful, "Male toads are particularly promiscuous and will attempt to mate with anything that even remotely resembles a female toad -- including shoes!" So, I don't know if the toad was a female or if my shoes just weren't sexy enough, but either way my shoes came home totally un-knocked up.

Thursday, October 21, 2004

The Backlash

With myself being a Yankee fan, and having many a friend who are Red Sox fans I was expecting quite a bit of backlash after the Red Sox win. Surprisingly enough, 24 hours later I have only received a very small amount. I attribute this partially to the fact that I have never really rubbed the fact that the Red Sox suck in their faces during all of the years of Yankee triumph, but I am sure it also has something to do with the fact that they haven't won the World Series yet ... and they are scared. Here is the anti-Yankee crap I have received:

Text message to cell phone
From M.R.
Who's your Papi?

From C.F.
After a bunch of small talk ... OH and did you hear - THE SOX BEAT THE YANKEES!!!!!!!!

Voice mail on cell phone
From J.S.
It's Thursday morning. Just calling to make sure you and New York City are still alive after your big, big, big heartache last night. Just wanted to make sure you are OK.

Call to work
From J.S. (same person as above)
Haaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Ha Ha Haaaaaaaaaaa!

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

Bridge On The River Hudson

Who would ever guess that the Tappan Zee Bridge could look so good?
Looking west from the patio of (the appropriately titled) Sunset Cove Restaurant at the Washington Irving Boat Club in Tarrytown, NY.

Magic Word

I was walking home from work today and passed some kids walking the opposite direction. Since we were heading in opposite directions I didn't catch much of their conversation, but I did catch this coming from one of the kids: "I said nohomo! That negates the gayness."

I don't know what the hell brought that on, or what he was talking about, but I like it. Next time something is you encounter is gay, just yell "nohomo" and >poof< no more gayness.

Who knew?

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

Play Faster

This Yankees/Red Sox ALCS is killing me. Not killing me with mental anguish or anticipation or hope like it is doing to some. For me, the killing is actual physical beatings. The last two games have been so long (5:02 & 5:49), I have been forced to minimize my sleep. Once you get started, you can't just not watch. I can't function in my usual tip-top manner with this groggy feeling in my head. To make matters worse, there is another game tonight (although it looks like Mother Nature may be on my side with a little rain induced delay).

I feel like shit, so Yankees and Red Sox, I plead to you. Please. Please make your next game a short one ... and Yankees, if you could summon up some of your infamous moxie, maybe you could make it a winning one?

Monday, October 18, 2004


Pssst. Dude. When are we playing Dr. Feelgood?

Tommy Lee rockin' it University of Nebraska marching band style.

Sunday, October 17, 2004

A Mighty Win(d)

I wasn't even going to bother blogging about last night's ALCS game (game 3), but I feel as though I must. Although it is tempting, I won't be discussing how screwed the Red Sox are or what a mess that game was. Instead, I wanted to make mention of The Cowsills. In case you missed it, The Cowsills sang the Star Spangled Banner before the game. For a second I thought I might be watching A Mighty Wind. It was ridiculous. The introduction was corny, and the song was far from motivational or inspirational. The players even looked a tad confused and on the verge of laughter. I think Fenway may have just added another layer of oddity to crack through in order to snap the Curse of the Bambino.

Saturday, October 16, 2004

It's Not The WSP Of Old

Thursday night I was was meeting some friends for dinner and during my travels to my destination, I cut through Washington Square Park. As I meandered across the park I was not once offered any illegal narcotics. I wasn't looking for some, but that's not the point.

When I first moved to NYC back in 1996 my friends and I used to like to keep a tally of how many people offered us drugs when we cut through WSP. Quietly whispered, "Smoke. Smoke." was pretty much required listening. There were never any times that I can remember cutting through when nobody offered us anything.

I don't know if it is the police presence, the constantly watching spy cameras or if I just don't have the dope-interested look about me anymore, but things just aren't the way they used to be. I don't know if that is necessarily a bad thing, but it sure is strange.

Thursday, October 14, 2004

No Beer For Me (Or You)

It turns out that I won't be attending the aforementioned Beer On The Pier Festival. I went to get tickets the other day at Heartland Brewery and they were "all out." I went to get tickets three days before the event and they are gone? Since when are beer drinkers so motivared and proactive? Ticketmaster did have some tickets left but I'm not down with paying an extra $6.25 each ticket for "convenience." So, my Saturday is now open for creating my own beer-based fun, so if you have any ideas feel free to let me know.

On a beer-related side note, I just noticed on Merriam-Webster OnLine there is a definition for "beer and skittles" I've never used this expression, but if it's listed in a respected reference guide I'm gonna start.

"Man, when I get out of work today it is going to be all beer and skittles."

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

Sunday Funnies

Tonight on the back-to-back episodes of The Simpsons, the folks at Fox managed a great lineup. At 6:30pm was the Cape Feare episode and at 7:30pm was Rosebud (when Mr. Burns is searching for his bear, Bobo).

Both episodes originally aired back in October of 1993. I think it is safe to say that this is when The Simpsons were in their prime. I was in college back in those days and would go to church at 7:00pm on Sundays as to repent for all my evil doings the previous days of the week. My friends and I would bolt out of there once mass ended and literally run to my friend's apartment so we could catch The Simpsons at 8:00pm. Probably not the most religious way to wrap up a night with Jesus, but I think Jesus would probably want me to be happy and relaxed for all the good deeds I was destined to do in the upcoming week, so it was all good.

The Simpsons are still entertaining, but just not at the level they were at back in 1993. I still watch The Simpsons, but lately, when Sunday night rolls around, I find myself looking forward to Arrested Development more so than The Simpsons. If you haven't watched Arrested Development you should. If you would like to catch up before the new season starts or if you are already a fan, I have some good news. Arrested Development - Season 1 is available on DVD on October 19.

That is all.

Pimpin' The Pumpkins

Ever wonder what the record is for the "Most Lit Jack-O'-Lanterns" is and who has it? Well, the current record of 28,952 is held by the town of Keene, NH where they have a kickass pumpkin festival every year.

Friends of mine used to live in Vermont, just over the border from Keene, and every year they would invite us up north to hang with them and visit the pumpkin chaos as well. Nothing gets you in the Halloween spirit like a quaint New England town, with leaves in full autumn color schemes and 28,952 jack-o'-lanterns everywhere you look.

To give you an idea of how many pumpkins this is -- With 28,952 jack-o'-lanterns, you could fill every seat at a Knicks game at Madison Square Garden (19,763) + every seat at a Ani DiFranco concert at the Beacon Theatre (2,800) + every seat at a Long Island Ducks baseball game at Citibank Ballpark in Central Islip, NY (6,200). That still leaves you with a 189 pumpkins to make some pumpkin bread, some pumpkin pie or to just smash. That's a lot of fucking pumpkins! If Keene can up those numbers another 5,000 we could fill every seat in Fenway Park with jack-o'-lanterns and hence boost the intelligence level and reduce the annoyance level of Red Sox fans, which would be sweet.

Anyway, my point to this whole babble is that I just read that the asswipes at Six Flags New England in Springfield, MA are gunning for the record this year. They want to hit 30,000 jack-o'-lanterns. Well, I say, "fuck that!" Stupid corporate America doesn't have to own everything. Nobody needs the Six Flags/Looney Tunes/Warner Brothers name in the Guinness Book of World Records. I won't be able to fight the fight this year by contributing to Keene's pumpkin festival, but if you are heading that way, perhaps you could. If you are thinking of going to Six Flags keep in mind that Keene is only 77 miles from Six Flags.

Go to a real pumpkin festival not some bullshit, prefab, corporate pumpkin festival. It will certainly be more memorable and it will keep the little guy in the record books!

Monday, October 11, 2004

Any Given Saturday

I played football on Saturday up in Central Park with some of my co-workers. Today I feel as though I participated in a demolition derby without a car. I have a twisted ankle, a slightly fat lip, my ribs hurt enough that it actually causes pain to sneeze or laugh and my legs are so sore that I am walking like I might have something stuck up my ass. To make matters worse (and quite embarrassing) we played two hand touch. Not tackle.

Two hand touch football should not have me feeling like this two days after the fact. The only consolation is that everyone else who played seems to feel just as bad.

I think the sign says it all. Thanks lady!

Friday, October 8, 2004

50 Individual Batches Of Trouble

I was out with some of the folks from work last night. Since I did not have a camera last night, nor do I own a digital camera, so even if I did have a camera my photo documentation turnaround would be poor, I will be making use of Anise's (if she doesn't mind). She took this photo that I think sums up the night quite nicely.

Note: Soon following this photo being snapped, the containers were filled, hoisted and downed with much fanfare.

Thursday, October 7, 2004

Avoid The Light

On the red carpet at the Sunlight Avoidance Awards

Mmmmm Spam ...

I got an alarming e-mail at work today. The subject was: your wife knows you watch girls fingering their rectum

I don't know how she found this out, but I do know that I am going to be in a heap of trouble the next time I see her. Thanks for the "heads up" anonymous e-mailer!

Wednesday, October 6, 2004

The Truth About Those Who Blog

I received this e-mail from one of my college roommates addressed to myself and a bunch of other fools that I am friends with:

I think the scariest thing I've found out recently was that Bill has an internet blog. Not bad writing but I thought those were reserved for psychoperverts......nevermind.

I'm not a psychopervert.

Or am I?

Drinky Drink

Like beer? Like lots of variety when it comes to beer? Like music? Yes? Well, I've got something for you to do 10 short days from now:

Beer On The Pier Festival
Saturday, October 16, 2004
1:00pm - 9:00pm
Pier 54 (just south of 14th Street on the Hudson River)
New York, NY

Admission is $35.00 and includes a souvenir tasters cup and all the beer you can sample, plus some tunes by Black 47 (and others).

I'll be there and I suggest you be there too.

It's gonna be drunktastic!

Tuesday, October 5, 2004

No respect ...

Thornton Melon: "Bring us a pitcher of beer every seven minutes until somebody passes out. And then bring one every ten minutes."

Thanks for the laughs Rodney ...

Commute Conversations

This morning I woke up and decided that I was to lazy to rollerblade to work, so my plan of attack would be to take the subway. In order to cut down on some of my crosstown travel time I decided to ride my skateboard to Union Square and hop the subway there as I often do.

"Aren't you a little old to be skateboarding to work?" Probably, but what do you care?

Near my apartment, running parallel to 14th Street, there is a narrow street that goes around my apartment complex. There are cars parked on both sides of the street and one lane in between with just enough room for a car to coast along. As I am skateboarding along the two Avenues worth of road before my turnoff, this guy come up behind me and start laying on the horn.

Normally I am fairly considerate of drivers along this strip, but since he was enough of a prick to be laying on the horn at 7:00am as opposed to a simple "excuse me" beep and since there was a red light up ahead and this guy was only going to have to stop at it and then be in my way if I let him pass, I ignored him. He lays on the horn again and yells something about getting out of the way. This time I give him the finger and turn around to give him a glare of warning. The glare sometimes does the trick. I think drivers usually hit the horn and think they are going to be scaring some 14 year old punk kid. When a 190 pound, 31 year old turns around a lot of tough beepers remain quiet. Probably more out of confusion then fear.

This guy didn't remain quiet. I finally let him pass so he doesn't have a heart attack. I shouldn't have bothered as there were two cars in front of him that were going to prevent him from going anywhere fast. As opposed to speeding by he slows down to yell about "staying the fuck out of the road." I tell him to go out to 14th Street if he wants to go fast. He calls me an asshole. I briefly think about kicking up my board and giving his Honda Accord windshield and his Honda Accord-driving head a taste of 44 inches of wood, grip tape, metal and wheels. Instead I give him the timeless, "Fuck off (dramatic pause) bitch!" The "bitch" gets 'em every time.

I get back in front of him for another quarter of a block and then cut off on my cross street of choice.

Me Fail English?

That's unpossible!
So ... I'm back in the good ol' U.S. of A. I'd like to thank Mike for pointing out that I fucked up on my "Regroup The Mind" post by inadvertently using the word "hoping" instead of "hopping"


Hopping damnit. Hopping! I get it. I was hopping in seat 16F not hoping in it. Man, you'd think I was an editor or something. Get off my back.

My first day back at work (after I took a shit in Mike's desk drawer) I did a lot of scouring through my e-mails to see what I had missed. From 4:30pm on October 23 to 12:01am on October 4 I received 4,556 e-mails, and that doesn't even include the real junk in my spam folder. That 4,556 was, for the most part, work related shit. RECOCULOUS! I deleted 4,546 of them because they were crap. That is nothing but retarded. Out of 4,556 e-mails only 10 were needed. The information superhighway has become a big, ugly logjam.

Thursday, September 23, 2004

Regroup The Mind

In about 12 hours I will be heading to La Guardia, hoping in seat 16F on an Airbus A319 and heading out over the Atlantic to (hopefully) sunny Bermuda for 9 days of nothing. No phone calls, no alarm clocks, no news, no work, no beeping horns, no nothing.

Hopefully this time away will allow me to get back on the right side of sanity, for as of late I can feel my mind becoming a bit off kilter.

Please don't burglarize my apartment while I am away.

Between Chapter 10 and 12

Yesterday on (and every other news site, including the little information screen in my office elevator) I see this headline: Twinkies Maker Seeking Ch. 11 Protection
I hope somebody can quickly crush the notion of Twinkies failing to exist. That would be a horrible day for everyone.

Twinkies are an American icon and let's face it ... they are tasty.

I have two brief (and not so interesting) memories of Twinkies that I'd like to put on paper computer:

(1) Back in 1996 I was on a brief vacation in Europe. While in Amsterdam I spent some quality time (aka high time) with some travelers from Australia. We were discussing this and that about our respective lives and food came up. I had never had vegemite which they thought was odd and they never had Twinkies which I thought was ludicrous. Why wouldn't Twinkies be everywhere? I think I actually had arranged some sort of mail-based exchange program so we could see what we had been missing which of course never happened.

(2) When I was younger and still living with the 'rents, there was a Wonder Bread/Hostess thrift store in my town. They would have snacks there that were just past the "sell by" date for cheap. Usually 8 packages for $1. That shit was awesome. Twinkies, Hostess Fruit Pies, Ding Dongs, Ho Hos, etc. all so cheap there was no excuse not to purge. I know some might not be down with food past the "sell by" date, but come on; Twinkies don't go bad.

That's all the story I've got.

Wait! You should check out this site. There are a bunch of Twinkie-based science experiments that you can try at home, or if you are a science teacher I guess you could try them in the classroom.

Enjoy and go buy a Twinkie or three.

Tuesday, September 21, 2004


It's Tuesday ... time for the quote of the week (I know I missed last week ... fuck off).

"He had an enlarged heart, about three times the normal size. That is not healthy."

- Dr. Louis Roh, deputy medical examiner of Westchester County, N.Y. commenting on the deceased Big Pun

Sunday, September 19, 2004

Ebony and Ivory

Yesterday I was in La Isla Restaurant on 14th Street (just West of Avenue B) to get myself a little lunch. Just for the record I got some rice and beans with roast pork. Deeeelicious. Anyway, the guy in front of me in line gets his food and moves to the side so I can get to the counter. He is African-American. He turns to me and says, "Excuse me."

He smells a bit like booze, and when I say a bit, I mean a lot.

He continues with a bit of a slur, "I see that you're white." (this is fairly obvious) "Let me ask you this ... do you hate black people?"

I respond, "No" and mentally prepare a karate chop to his throat if an anti-honky weapon is revealed.

He says, "Good, cause I don't hate white people either."

As Martin Luther King, Jr. once said, " ...We must come to see that the end we seek is a society at peace with itself, a society that can live with its conscience. That will be a day not of the white man, not of the black man, that will be the day of man as man."

Look at that. MLK's plan all comes together on 14th Street!

Friday, September 17, 2004

Lock and Roll

There was a story issued today about Kryptonite bike locks being easily picked by something everyone has access to ... a BIC pen (see a video here or here to see how easy it is to be a bike thief). I had a bike stolen when I was in college so I am a bit edgy when it comes to the possibility of having my present bike stolen too so I "borrowed" a trusty BIC round stic (medium point - black) from work and headed home on a mission to test my locks. The first lock is an old U-lock that I haven't really used since moving to NYC. Upon closer inspection it turns out it wasn't made by Kryptonite, but I tested it anyway. Couldn't pick it. I then tied my big, heavy (6.1 pounds) chain style lock that is made by Kryptonite. No pen is getting that thing open either. ~Sigh of relief~

I did some further research, thinking that perhaps my pen-based lock picking skills were lacking, and found this article clarifying the situation a bit better. Thank goodness the Brits are a little more thorough then the crappy U.S. news. Anyway, if you were too lazy to read the article it says that only two of Kryptonite's locks were pickable with a pen.

So, bike owners ... you may want to check your locks.
and bike thiefs ... just keep walking past my bike. It is a waste of your time.

Thursday, September 16, 2004

Long Shirts

Yesterday I'm down in Tompkins Square Park, or T-Square as I heard one hip youngster refer to it as, and a group of about 10 kids -- somewhere in the 7th - 9th grade range -- come in all in baggy jeans and extra long white T-shirts on. When I say long, I mean down to their knees style. I don't understand why anyone would want to wear something so uncomfortable and constricting, but what the hell do I know? No matter what my opinion is, these punks are clearly thinking they are pretty fucking cool. Then two girls, who the boys clearly were interested in stepin' to walk by and one of the girls says, "What the hell are you guys? The fuckin' white T-shirt gang?" The girls laugh and head for greener pastures. I think that knocked them down a couple of notches on the cool scale.

I laughed.

A little while later, one of the kids from the "gang" comes up to some other kid with a standard length long-sleeve white shirt and tries to throw some fashion police intimidation at him. He says, "Man, that shirt is short as hell." The kid responds, "What? Fuck your long shirts. That shit is stupid."

I laughed.

My prediction: After such harsh humiliation in September 2004, the urban gangs of NYC will convert their style in 2005 to khakis and polo shirts.


I'm not big on conspiracy theories. You start thinking of conspiracy theories too often and you will find yourself moving to a weapon stocked cabin in the middle of Montana and wearing aluminum foil on your head to protect you from the prying eyes of "big brother." Everyone knows the government is sketchy, and sometimes it is just easier to not think about it, but in case you do want to think ... click here.

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

Joss A Little Something

I tell my friend/co-worker Mike that despite his blog being pretty entertaining, he could make it much better -- you know, bring it to a whole new level -- simply by adding some photos of Joss Stone like this guy did. His blog is in Spanish which I am quite the opposite of fluent in, and photos of Joss made it much more understandable for me.

I checked out her web site and listened to a couple of her tunes. Not really my cup of tea, but obviously she can sing. She's like an American Idol winner except with talent and from England. My next door neighbor at work (the person who sits next to me), Gena and I both decided she sounds much like Taylor Dayne of "Tell It To My Heart" fame.

Anyway, I don't really have a point to all of this. I just haven't written anything in a while and felt it was time to spew something.

In an ironic(?) twist ... it turns out that Joss Stone appears to be on a media blitzkrieg, so soon you will be seeing her so often you will want to throw up, kill her or maybe just buy her album. So strange how you never see, hear or speak of someone and then all of a sudden they are everywhere.

Friday, September 10, 2004

Mo Kids, Mo Money, Mo Problems

I know I have poked some fun/complained about P. Diddy in the past (he's still there, by the way), but this time (see story below) I am on his side ... sort of. Sure the money should probably be equal, but I just have to wonder what the amounts of money being discussed even look like. The greed and out-of-touchness with reality are out of control.

To put all this in perspective, one of P. Diddy's baby mommas currently receives $5,000 a month while the other receives $35,000 a month. The one who gets (only) $5,000 now wants a matching check of $35,000. With a little quick figuring (with a calculator) it seems that the $5,000 a month equals $60,000 a year to pay for this child and she needs to increase this amount to $35,000 a month which would bump things up to $420,ooo a year? And that money is just for the child right? Riiiiight.

Just so you know "celebrities," $60,000 is more then "normal" people make in a year for busting their asses at work. As a matter of fact, it is about twice the average salary for the U.S. of A. and at least $10,000 more then average for people in the NY metropolitan area. Something is not right about all that.

If I can scam $420,000 a year for the next (at least) 18 years, I think I might be willing to have P. Diddy's child ... hell, I think I would maybe even do it for $60,000.

From The Associated Press:
Sep 10, 8:18 AM EDT
Combs Says Increase in Child Support Crazy

NEW YORK (AP) -- The baby mama drama just won't stop for P. Diddy. The mogul also known as Sean Combs says he's hurt that the mother of his first child has gone to court to increase his child support payments, claiming that "it's ridiculous to think any of my kids would want for anything."

Combs called The Associated Press on Thursday night to talk about the legal action filed against him by Misa Hylton-Brim, the mother of their 10-year-old son, Justin.
"We've had a great relationship, and then all of the sudden I got hit with a lawsuit for more money," he said.

In August, a Westchester County magistrate ordered Combs to increase his child support from a reported $5,000 per month to about $35,000. That's the same amount he pays to model Kim Porter, the mother of his second child, Christian. Combs and Porter are currently "together."

Hylton-Brim is a fashion stylist for Lil' Kim and other stars. A message left for her attorney after hours was not immediately returned.

But Combs said he has always paid her more than $5,000 per month, a figure he says the pair agreed to years earlier. Combs said he has paid for his son's schooling, medical care, clothes and anything else his child wanted.

"My son goes to the best schools, he has full-time tutors," he said - not to mention the restaurants he named after the boy. "I wouldn't know what else to do to give my son."
Combs, who is appealing the $35,000-per-month ruling, claims Hylton-Brim is only seeking more money because she's in the process of getting a divorce from her husband, with whom she has children.

"It's not about child support, it's about adult support," he said. "I love the mother of my first child. I would never want to do anything to hurt her, but I have to defend the kind of father that I am."

At one point, when Porter and Combs were not together, she also went to court to raise her child support payments, which at the time were a court-ordered $11,000 per month.

Is Hylton-Brim seeking parity with Porter?

"The fact is," Combs said, "that the mother of my first child gets more money than the mother of my second child."

Although Combs likened Hylton-Brim's case to extortion, he said he had no ill feelings against her.

"I'm always going to respect her for being the mother of my child," he said, "but at the same time, that don't mean she has to be right."

Thursday, September 9, 2004

Puppy Vengeance

Hey Alanis Morissette! Do you think this story is ironic? Well, whether it is or isn't, this certainly is justice at its finest:

From The Associated Press:
Sep 9, 8:08 AM EDT
Dog Wiggles Paw Free to Shoot Florida Man

PENSACOLA, Fla. (AP) -- A man who tried to shoot seven puppies was shot himself when one of the dogs put its paw on the revolver's trigger.

Jerry Allen Bradford, 37, was charged with felony animal cruelty, the Escambia County Sheriff's Office said Wednesday. He was being treated at a hospital for a gunshot wound to his wrist.

Bradford said he decided to shoot the 3-month-old shepherd-mix dogs in the head because he couldn't find them a home, according to the sheriff's office.

On Monday, Bradford was holding two puppies - one in his arms and another in his left hand - when the dog in his hand wiggled and put its paw on the trigger of the .38-caliber revolver. The gun then discharged, the sheriff's report said.

Deputies found three of the puppies in a shallow grave outside Bradford's home, said sheriff's Sgt. Ted Roy.

The other four appeared to be in good health and were taken by Escambia County Animal Control, which planned to make them available for adoption.

Wednesday, September 8, 2004

Roy Horn is Bernie Lomax

The cast of "Weekend at Bernies III"

Tuesday, September 7, 2004

Fearless Quote

As mentioned last week, Tuesday is now the day I will be doling out a quote of the week. Well, Tuesday is once again upon us and this week the quote of the week comes from everybody's friends The Insane Clown Posse. Love 'em or hate 'em, their humor, violence, stupidity, and marketing genius can do nothing but impress. This particular verse brings a smile to my face everytime ...

Are you scared?
Are you scared, bitch?
Are you scared of ghosts?
I'm not scared of ghosts
As a matter of fact, I'll summon a ghost with this Oujia board
And as soon as it shows up, I'll slap it
I'll go to Alaska, bitch slap a polar bear, and take it's food
I'll mow the fucking lawn, of a land-mine field like what ... boom
I'll roll an M-80 up in some papers, and smoke that shit up
I'll share a dirty heroin needle, with that dirty bitch Courtney Love
I'll run around the white house lawn, naked and screaming and busting shots at it
I'll scratch my back with a chainsaw ... oh yeah ... mmm ... got it
I'll walk through Compton alone, sporting Wranglers and a cowboy hat
I'll headbutt a fucking unicorn ... come here bitch, ugh ... damn
I'll stand on a stump, and let you trim my toenails with an axe
I'll sucker punch a gorilla, and try to run with a banana hanging out my ass
I'll fucking become pen pals with the unibomber, and let him send me packages
I'll drive an ice cream truck through Ethiopia

- "Fearless" by Insane Clown Posse