Friday, July 30, 2004


Last night while smart, educated, concerned citizens such as Dave and Mike keep updated on America's future by watching and critiquing the speakers at the Democratic National Convention (aka DNC), dipshits like me spent Thursday evening watching back-to-back-to-back episodes of Most Extreme Elimination Challenge (aka MXC) on Spike TV. That show is some funny shit. Much funnier then thumbs up from candidates and idiots in the crowd holding up signs.

Having not watched the DNC (and I'm quite sure not the RNC either), I may not know what the hell to expect after the November election. I do know this: no matter who wins, and no matter how violent and confusing the world may be, and no matter how many promises aren't kept; as long as MXC is around at least I will have something to laugh at -- Japanese game show contestants hurting themselves.

Glutton For Punishment

This is pretty awesome:

Conveniently located near Punxsutawney, PA, where Phil the groundhog lives.  I am totally down with a roadtrip!  If you have a car ... I have an E-ZPass.

Thursday, July 29, 2004

Something Stinks

Well, the nose knows.  That unpleasant news I thought I was smelling, did indeed exist.  My office is moving from New York, NY (Manhattan) to Jersey City, NJ.  Banished from the Manhattan kingdom! This should all go down in late November or early December. We are told that it is because our current building sucks (power issues, temperature control issues, fires, etc.) as well as financial reasons.  This move sucks it.  Here's why:

  • my commute is longer
  • there are fewer (and crappier) choices for food
  • more irritating tax figuring
  • I no longer have the view from the 32nd floor
  • I can not have my lunch in Central Park
  • I'll be further from my dentist and doctor so appointments before lunch or right after work are going to be impossible
  • the office we are moving to is a dump and depressing as hell (supposedly it will be fixed up, but I will believe that when I see it

on the positive side:

  • the Quick Cards for the PATH train are cool the way they zip through the turnstiles
  • it's fun to call Jersey City "J.C."
  • no longer have to deal with the tourists in Times Square 
  • the view of the Manhattan skyline is nice
  • less threat of terrorist attack (I don't think J.C. is on their hit list)
  • only have 8 floors to walk down instead of 32 in the event of a blackout/fire/whatever

Well, when it is on paper (or the computer) I guess it really doesn't look so bad, but believe me, it is pretty crappy. 

Someone please save me ... 

Gather The Troops

We are having a "Bureau Meeting" at work today.  I think I smell some unpleasant news of some sort wafting in my direction.

Tuesday, July 27, 2004

Bringin' The Luck II

My theory on being a good luck charm at sporting events has become a bit less theory and a bit more proven.  Last night I went to see the Newark Bears beat up on the Long Island Ducks in fabulous Newark, NJ.  Final score 12-7.  This makes my 2004 attended games record: home team four wins and one loss with an overall combined score: home team 37 visiting team 26.

So, my offer stands that my good luck aura is available to those who need it. Bring me to a game of your choice and your team may very well triumph. Baseball, the Olympics, football, soccer, curling, whatever.  I'm all yours for the cost of a ticket, transportation to the game and some snacks/beer.  A bargain!

Monday, July 26, 2004

Last Round

Last Wednesday I went to The Village Idiot for a little "good bye" drink or three with some of the very people I used to waste brain cells there with back in the day. There are still a few days left to visit The Idiot one last time, but we were concerned that our schedules would not permit such a journey, so we went at it a week early.  Not to reiterate what I have already said, but that place really is great.  Maybe not as great as it once was, but still a hell of a lot better then most.  $2 PBRs really get the ball rolling, as do the tunes in the jukebox.  You have no choice but to get drunk as all hell, and when you do nobody there will look down on you or take offense because they are all in the same stinky (and I mean stinky) boat.  

Only six days left until 14th Street at 9th Avenue changes forever. 

Omni Or Not Omni

I like how taxi cabs from New Jersey have "OMNIBUS" on the license plate.  So old school ... not to mention "omnibus" sounds more classy and way cooler than just plain ol' "taxi"

Bad Call

People (mostly Americans) who aren't fans of soccer (or futbol as some like to call it) often say that they don't like it because it isn't exciting enough for them.  Well, perhaps that opinion would change if more soccer matches produced this sort of twisted excitement:

Overruled: South African Ref Shoots Coach Dead
Coach had questioned ref's ruling
JOHANNESBURG -- A South African soccer referee pulled a gun and shot dead a coach who questioned one of his rulings, police said on Sunday.

Inspector Mali Govender of the Grahamstown police in the Eastern Cape province said a fight broke out after the referee gave a yellow warning card to a player in a local match on Saturday. "There was an altercation ... and the referee became threatened when the other team approached him because they were angry," Govender said. "So he pulled out a gun and killed the coach of the visiting team."

Govender said the coach died on the field while the referee fled the scene. Police were confident of making an arrest soon, she added.

South Africa has one of the world's highest murder rates with an alarming 47.4 murders per 100,000 people, or eight times the figure for the United States.

Wednesday, July 21, 2004

BK Anger In CT

I don't know how many times I have said ...

  • don't wait until the last minute to head for the bathroom.  You never know when there might be a line or delay.
  • Connecticut is the worst state in the Union
  • straw dispensers make for a weapon you don't want to mess with

This story just proves me right: 

From 1010 WINS:
Police Charge Two CT Men With 'Potty Rage'

Jul 20, 2004 3:45 pm US/Eastern(1010 WINS) (Stratford, CT) Police have charged two men in a confrontation that could be described as potty rage.  The situation developed Friday night when a 52-year-old Stratford man took too much time in a bathroom at Burger King, police said.

Andres A. Diaz, who was in the john, and Joseph Manuel Augusto, 37, who was waiting to use it, got into an argument when Diaz emerged, police said.

Heated words escalated into a physical fight.

The two men allegedly bumped chests, then chased each other around the restaurant with their weapons. Augusto had a small razor pocket knife and Diaz brandished a Burger King straw dispenser, police said.

No one was injured.

Both men were arrested and charged with breach of peace and issued a summons to appear in court on July 27. 

Tuesday, July 20, 2004

Strolling Bowling

I went bowling last night for the first time in a long time. 
I think it is safe to say that I kicked some major ass (at least with the competition at hand).  I wound up with a score of 187 -- a new personal record!   Back in my high school days when I would bowl on a semi-regular basis I still only managed a high score of 181.   Last night I had 5 strikes in a row.  Frames 4 through 8 ... all strikes.  If only I could have gotten my shit together in frames 1 through 3 and 9 and 10+2, I would have been walking around with a "Perfect 300 Game" jacket or ring on.  So close, yet so far. 
Damn you elusive 300!  Damn you!! 

Monday, July 19, 2004


On Saturday,  I spent a good chunk of the day on a trampoline.  I don't know if there is anything more fun (until you wake up the next morning and feel crippled from all of the spinal abuse).  I wish I had a trampoline when I was growing up because it certainly would have been my ticket to the Olympics or at least the circus.   Way to go Mom and Dad.  You blew it.

As if the fun of bouncing around like you are on the moon isn't enough, there is also the Simpsons episode running through my trampoline-abused brain where Homer gets a trampoline for the backyard out of the "free" section of the newspaper and chaos ensues. 

MargeWhy do you read that free column Homer?  They never have anything good.
But as she finishes, Homer gasps at an ad he has just spied: "FREE TRAMPOLINE, 534 Center St.
Homer: Oh my God!
Lisa: What is it?
Homer: Tramapoline!  Trampopoline!  [runs out]
Bart: He said what now?
Marge: Please, don't bring home any more old crutches!

Thank you trampoline for the jarring fun.


Sunday, July 18, 2004

Diner Comedy

The best joke I've ever seen on a sign outside a diner?  The winner of that coveted prize is certainly the one I saw Saturday on the sign outside Thee Diner in Cicero, NY : 
(back of sign) ANYONE CAN ROAST BEEF

Thursday, July 15, 2004

Where'd You Come From?

I have made the recent discovery that I have one white (or gray if you'd prefer) hair in my goatee.  I already have some on my head, which I am cool with, but on my face?  I feel a bit too young for this to be happening.  I blame work.

Don't Leave Us, Idiot

Way back in 1996 when I first moved to New York City I had a job. A job that paid not nearly enough. Due to the limited funds left over after the majority of my small paycheck would go to rent and other expenses, I (and the rest of my co-workers) would find cheap beer to be not only enjoyable, but pretty much a necessity.

One night at a (not overly economical or entertaining) bar near work my friend Gary comes up to me and tells me that he and another guy are heading to a bar downtown that is cheaper and less annoying if I wanted in. I agreed making this night my introduction to the world of the Village Idiot. Gary wasn't lying. The Village Idiot WAS cheaper and less annoying.

This night, and many thereafter were filled with $1.75 PBRs, Johnny Cash, scantily clad bartenders, stinky bathrooms, awful dancing, nonsensical conversations, darts, Jack Daniels, some fights and the hangovers that go along with all that. I even spent a night there that had me playing pool against Vince Vaughn.

Well, even though I haven't been in quite awhile I am still sad to have learned that The Idiot will be closing it's doors 16 days from now (July 31, 2004). The Village Idiot made for some good times and some blury memories and may very well have been the thing that kept me alive (while at the same time almost killing me) in my early years living in NYC. I will miss you Village Idiot.

From the NY Post:

SKYROCKETING rents in the oppressively trendy Meatpacking District have claimed another victim. The Village Idiot is closing at the end of the month because owner Tom McNeil couldn't afford the big bucks his landlord demanded. The divey honky-tonk bar on West 14th Street was a neighborhood fixture for a decade, as well as a location shoot for TV's "Law & Order" and the movies "Copland" and "Rounders." McNeil, who also founded faux-redneck joints Hogs and Heifers and Doc Hollidays, is sickened by the changes in his once gritty neighborhood. "I think it's going to yuppie hell," he told us. "If I was gonna start charging $7.50 for a shot of Wild Turkey, I could stay open, but I refuse to do that. This is a bar for regular people. I'm not interested in the fashion crowd -- they can go to the Stella McCartney store down the street." McNeil, who still owns Yogi's on the Upper West Side and the Patriot in TriBeCa, is hoping to resurrect the Idiot somewhere downtown.

I repeat -- I will miss you Village Idiot.

Words Of Fashion Wisdom

Ladies and Gents (especially overly wealthy ladies and gents): Just because something costs a lot does not mean it necessarily looks good.

Some pricey clothes look stupid to begin with. Don't go to the store and say to yourself, "This is expensive. It must be the latest fashion and I'm going to look hot." Even clothes that are expensive and look nice probably look stupid on you because (1) your body is not designed for that particular piece of clothing OR (2) your body is designed for that particular piece of clothing, but only because of the work your doctor has done designing/redesigning your body. Either way your snobby arrogance is all for naught. Everyone is just going to talk shit behind your back anyway.

Monday, July 12, 2004

Upper Deck Abuse

It has been raining all day today. Shitty drizzle with no relief in sight.

I leave work today and there is a double decker tour bus unloading and loading tourists.

Hey tourists! Why the FUCK would you be getting on a double decker tour bus on a day like this? If you are going to ride the bottom level you may as well save yourself $35 and just ride on a normal city bus and if you are going to ride on the upper deck ... well, you must be a complete jackass. There were people on the upper deck with umbrellas up and cheap-ass ponchos on. Poncho or not, there is no way in hell you are having a good time sightseeing like that. No doubt, your family will remember this day the rest of their lives. "Remember that time we went to NYC back in 2004? It was raining all damn day, but dad still thought it would be a 'good way to see the city AND with smaller crowds' if we went on a double decker tour bus. That shit sucked. I was sick for like a week after that."

I can definitely admit to being a dumb tourist at times, but I can assure you that you would not, and will not find me sitting in a vehicle with no roof when it is raining and has been raining the entire day.

One other time I saw some tourists being abused on a double decker tour bus. This time the abuse was not weather related. This past winter, on one of those first warm weather days that sort of falsely hint at spring I see some kids on 1st Avenue and 15th Street making snowballs as fast as they could from a small snowbank that wasn't going to last through the sunny day. I know something was up. One of them says, "Hurry up it's coming." I turn and see it coming. A double decker tour bus, packed with tourists who were psyched at their good weather fortune. The bus rolls on by and those kids unload their arsenal. It was awesome! Tourists yelping and ducking. Local kids laughing. Me wishing I had joined them in the attack. I can only imagine how story was retold back in Germany, Calgary, South Carolina and Plattsburgh.

Thank you double decker busses for the stories and thank you tourists visiting even when the weather is shitty. Funny busses + funny people = funny memories + revenue our city needs.

That's Flashy

I love all things reflective. Sneakers with reflective sections, reflective-painted road stripes, reflective paint on police cars, road signs, safety vests, dog collars, regular old bike reflectors.

Why? I really couldn't say. I just find it cool as hell. The other day I was riding in a car and someone was a couple of blocks in front of us on a bike. I saw the reflectors on the pedals -- left up/right down, right up/left down -- way before I could see the bike or the person. I reminds me of summertime back when me and my posse of bike riding friends would be racing home for dinner with sunset hot on our heels. Occasionally someone will be walking in front of me and I will be at just the right angle to catch the glare from reflective stripes on the back of their shoes.

I love that shit. It is almost hypnotizing.

I sometimes think of working for 3M, just so I could learn the ways of reflective materials manufacturing. Who invents it? How is it made? How is it tested?

I especially enjoy stuff like illumiNITE or Safe Reflections which looks pretty normal during daylight hours, but becomes reflective once the light fades away.

Call me Mr. Safety if you wish, but it isn't really the safety issue that caused this obsession. It is more of the genius and intrigue behind that glowing flash of reflected light that sucks me in.

Friday, July 9, 2004

Feast For The Eyes

Here's some advice: Be as productive as you can during the month of July. Why? Because once August hits, you are going to be doing nothing except sitting on your ass staring at your television. Reason? There are three:

August 3, 2004 - Knight Rider: Season One | 4 discs
August 17, 2004 - Alf: Season One | 4 discs
August 24, 2004 - Munsters: The Complete Full Season | 3 discs

Thursday, July 8, 2004

You're Not Evel ... But You Are Crazy

Looking for something EXTREME to do on July 31st? Well, I can't help you there, but if you are looking to WATCH something EXTREME you are in luck. Check out this EXTREMELY stupid event that I am inevitably going to attend:

Robbie Knievel To Jump Aircraft In NY Harbor
Jul 8, 2004 7:12 am US/Eastern
(1010 WINS) (NEW YORK) Robbie Knievel will hype a movie about his daredevil father, Evel Knievel, by attempting the first jump over an array of military aircraft on the deck of the USS Intrepid in New York Harbor.

His jump will air live July 31 during the second night of the "Evel Knievel" movie premiere weekend on TNT, the cable channel.

The former World War II aircraft carrier, is now the Intrepid Sea-Air-Space Museum. The movie stars George Eads, of "C.S.I.," as Evel Knievel.

Knievel became famous in the 1970s for riding his motorcycle over everything from vehicles to alligators while wearing a red, white and blue jumpsuit. The 65-year-old stuntman retired from jumping more than 20 years ago.

Wednesday, July 7, 2004


The Tick: You know, I've heard that the smarter you are the more wrinkly your brain. Your guys brains must be the wrinkliest! Oh sure, ordinary Joes like me and Arthur here, maybe our brains are a little on the smooth side. But you don't have to be a genius to know that evil is bad and good ... isn't!

Bringin' The Luck

I played hooky from work today and went to see the Yankees play the Tigers. The Yankees lost, but it was a good game nevertheless. I've been to four baseball games this year (Mets vs. Giants, Yankees vs. Rockies, Yankees vs. Red Sox and this Yankees vs. Tigers). Three of the four games I have attended have concluded with the home team victorious and four of the four games have been close and exciting. Combined scoring for the four games was home team 25, visiting team 19. Not too bad.

Next week I will be testing my theory that I am a good luck charm at baseball games by attending a Newark Bears game. If the home team does in fact win yet again, hence proving my theory, I will be auctioning off use of my good luck to those who need it. Bring me to a game of your choice and I'll see what I can do for your favorite team. If I can't finagle a win, I bet the game will at least be exciting. If not exciting, it will probably be sort of fun sitting with me. Plan ahead -- hot dogs, beer and salted peanuts help me to achieve the level of intensity I need.

Thursday, July 1, 2004

Jumping To 1812

I was worried that this July 4th might not be spirited enough. Well, I now realize that concern was unwarranted --

David Lee Roth will perform with the Boston Pops during the July 4 celebration on the Charles River Esplanade in Boston. The orchestra, conducted by Keith Lockhart, will back Roth for "California Girls" and "Jump" before launching into Tchaikovsky's "1812 Overture" as the fireworks go off ...

I can't say I have a huge desire to trek to Boston for the 4th, but to witness the transition from "Jump" into the "1812 Overture" in person might be worth the trip. David Lee Roth and the Boston Pops. That's booking genius!

I have to wonder though -- will all of the idiots in Boston start chanting "Yankees Suck" after the show?