Saturday, April 30, 2005

Things Never Turn Out As They Should

You know that woman in Georgia that went missing just days before her wedding? Well, it turns out that she has been found, which is nice, as opposed to the usual conclusion in cases like this -- dead in a ditch somewhere -- but I have to say that I am a little disappointed that she didn't wind up being found in Mexico with some mystery boyfriend. That would have been so much more entertaining, especially since every family member and friend who was interviewed kept saying how in love she was and what a great mom she'd be. Something like this would have been cool:

Friend: "She was so in love with John. She'd never run off like this. She was so in love and really wanted to have a family. She'd be a great mom someday."

CNN: "Actually, we just received reports that she was found in Mexico with an 18-year-old man. Her motel room had a suitcase full of marijuana, an arsenal of weapons, a dead prostitute and signs of heroin use."

Friend: "Well, she was so in love with all that too."

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

However You Spell It

Just for the record, I prefer my seasoned sausage meat to be spelled B-o-l-o-g-n-a, but that's neither here nor there. The important thing to learn with this bit of news is that there is now legal precedent to throw your bologna (or baloney) sandwich at the deputy of your choice with no legal repercussions*.

* You may want to check with your lawyer before the throwing is performed.

Not Guilty of Assault by Baloney Sandwich

Apr 26, 2005 7:01 am US/Eastern
RIVERHEAD, Long Island -- A 47-year-old Amityville, Long Island man who was in custody has been cleared of assaulting a deputy sheriff with a baloney sandwich. The Suffolk District Attorney says the jury did find Frank Barnett guilty of obstructing governmental administration, a misdemeanor.

The D-A says it happened on April Eighth when Barnett was at the district court in Central Islip for an appearance. During a lunch break he allegedly threw his baloney sandwich at Deputy Robert Etheridge.

During the ensuing scuffle, Etheridge told the jury he suffered a back injury that kept him off the job for a month.

However, after two hours of deliberations yesterday the Suffolk jury convicted Barnett of the misdemeanor obstruction charge, and found him innocent of assault.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

Slacking and/or MIA

Man, I haven't posted shit all week. Sorry for those of you who care. Things have happened, I just haven't been very motivated to type up the goings on.

Since my last post I have: gone to a beerfest, spent one of the nicest days of the year feeling hungover on the couch, gone to work, gone to class, presented a little detail on my job in front of my class (which I remarkably enjoyed), purchased plane tickets from NYC to Belize, turned one year older and went to a little company's launch party at Tribeca Rock Club.

Phewwww. Now that you are all up to speed, perhaps we can continue on as originally scheduled.

Sunday, April 17, 2005

Eye In The Sky

Saturday afternoon I was heading out for some Central Park time, and up in a tree in my apartment complex is this hawk chowing down on a pigeon (click on images for a larger view). It was pretty cool:

There were some other people checking out the survival of the fittest moment. There were a bunch of entertaining comments from the onlookers. My favorite was between a guy and gal probably in their late 30's:

Guy: Oh shit, check it out.
Gal: Oh my God.
Guy walks a bit closer to the tree for a closer look
Gal: Don't get so close!
Guy: Why? They don't attack people.
Gal: You don't know that.
Guy: I know it's a bird and not a lion, plus it's already eating.

Those New Yorkers sure know their nature.

Friday, April 15, 2005

It's Not Just Tax Day

If this isn't a piece of public relations genius, I don't know what is. And everyone thought it was just tax day! Please celebrate this day with all the fury and pride we can muster. Enjoy celebrating "failure, incompetence, dissatisfaction, disillusionment, mediocrity, frustration, vengeance, cynicism, futility, chaos, apathy, anger, sarcasm, tomfoolery, buffoonery, and jackassery. Indeed, all things that suck":

April 15 Is National That Sucks Day! - When You Can Celebrate Life's Failures

SHAWNEE, Kan., April 4, 2005 -- Life isn't a utopia, it's a sucktopia. History sucks, but history has nothing on the suckable present. People have done and continue to do unspeakable things to one another. For an in-depth review, go to and click on Sir Isuck Newton. Learn and understand.

Here are some cosmic constants that suck:
  • Life and aging. Rigorous scientific studies have shown that most things in life suck. For starters, 10 out of 10 people die. You will be in the losing group. You will die. Of cancer or heart disease. Or both. It will be a horrible, agonizing death. By the way, have you checked your health insurance premium lately? Gotta be happy with that, or stupid beyond words.
  • Love. It usually ends in split ups and divorce. Or stay together bitterness.
  • Family. Your family is unquestionably a stunning collection of ill tempered, dimwitted misfits, psychos, and felons. Why do you think you're different?
  • Jobs/bosses/coworkers. Your boss is a breathtakingly stupid butthole who takes credit for your best work. And blames you for his/her failures. Your coworkers are professionally inept and socially repugnant.
  • Evildoers. Evildoers want to send you to hell wearing gasoline-soaked panties, and not the thong kind. They prefer granny pants cause those hold more gasoline.
  • Government. Your government taxes you to death. And lies to you daily.
  • You think movies are ok? Books? Service? Your car? Must we go on?
Face it, most things and people are failures. They also suck. People don't soar with the eagles; if they could get off the ground they'd soar with the seagulls. Which means they'd probably sit on a post and soil themselves.

At we celebrate failure, incompetence, dissatisfaction, disillusionment, mediocrity, frustration, vengeance, cynicism, futility, chaos, apathy, anger, sarcasm, tomfoolery, buffoonery, and jackassery. Indeed, all things that suck.

Celebrate National That Sucks Day on April 15. Remember tax day? You happy about that? Did you know the Titanic sank on that day? Well now you do.

Got something better to do on April 15? We thought not. Celebrate National That Sucks Day.

Thursday, April 14, 2005

Dress 'em Up But You Can't Take 'em Out

Outside my friend Mary's wedding
Loudonville, NY
Saturday, April 9, 2005

Advert Addiction

Last night I am watching a little television before bed and a familiar bass line comes on. I look up to see a Coors Light commercial. The bass continues. It is Mountain Song by Jane's Addiction.

Of all the bands I can think of, I'd never guess Jane's Addiction would let their music be played in a commercial, let alone a beer (a crappy beer at that) commercial. The only thing I can think is that the band was just making true the lyrics: Cash in. Cash in now honey. Cash in now ...

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

This Bottle Tastes Like ... Corn?

I recently read an article on a company called NatureWorks who has figured out how to make corn -- the yellow shit you like to eat during the summer -- into a polylactide polymer (PLA for those in the know). I can hear you mumbling, "What the fuck is that?" Well, PLA from what I can gather, is pretty much a plastic. A plastic made of corn that is fully biodegradable. Quite a change from regular plastic which never goes away. Ever.

So, instead of making things that are usually made out of chemicals and polymers and whatnot, they are making them out of corn. Corn that looks like plastic. I guess corn that essentially is plastic, but not.

I don't really know chemistry, but I am fascinated with this whole idea and process. I can't stop thinking about it. Everyday kinds of stuff like water bottles, plastic forks, Chinese food delivery containers, that plastic wrap around CDs, etc. is going to be made from (and already is in some cases) corn.

From fucking corn!

Smoke Signals

Watch out kids! Mom and Dad now have a new way to bust your punk ass:

Parents Now Have a Tool to Test Their Kids for Marijuana and Cigarette Use

Simple Breath Tester Reveals Marijuana and Cigarette Use

PHILADELPHIA, April 11 /PRNewswire/ -- Bedfont Scientific, a leading manufacturer of breath monitoring equipment based in Southern New Jersey, announced today that it has developed a tool that can aid parents in testing their kids for cigarette and marijuana use and it's called the Smokerlyzer(R).

(Photo: )

The test works on a simple breath sample with the results appearing instantly as the person breathes into the Smokerlyzer(R) carbon monoxide breath tester. Carbon monoxide is a component of both cigarette and marijuana smoke, and there are discernible differences between both substances because of the different way in which they are smoked. Marijuana use usually tends to result in higher readings on the tester. This technology has been in use for the last 20 years in clinical research and in quit smoking clinics, and now more recently by professional counselors in high schools across the U.S. Bedfont has now brought this technology to consumers in the form of a personal breath tester for $59.99.

The professional version of the technology has been extremely popular with schools all over the country, with schools in New Jersey and California leading the way. Over 100 high schools in the State of New Jersey now use professional Smokerlyzers(R) to counsel teens on the dangers of smoking cigarettes and marijuana.

"We're so excited to finally be able to bring this technology to consumers at an affordable price," says company spokesperson Jason Aversano. "For years now, we've received calls from consumers wanting to purchase our professional Smokerlyzers(R), so we knew there was a market here. We know that parents will find that the Smokerlyzer(R) is much more than a disciplinary tool and that it is far more effective as a way to show their kids the dangers of smoking these harmful substances. This is one of the reasons why it is so popular with educators and teens in schools across the country."

A test on the Smokerlyzer(R) can be conducted in a matter of seconds. So when your child walks through the door, you simply pull out your Smokerlyzer(R), conduct a test and you instantly get results. There's real value in the price too, as parents can conduct unlimited tests with the Smokerlyzer(R) and there are no additional accessories to purchase. In addition, the tester is designed to last approximately two years with heavy use.

"Parents who smoke should also be wary," Aversano added. "Kids might just be the ones buying a Smokerlyzer(R) to test their parents. Many school counselors have told us that kids are often so impressed with the monitors that they often ask to take them home to test their parents who smoke." The Smokerlyzer(R) is available at

SOURCE Bedfont Scientific
-0- 04/11/2005

Monday, April 11, 2005

Still Haven't Found What I'm Searching For

This past week has had some pretty good search topics that for one reason or another lead the searcher here. Here are my favorites:
  • dorky duke fans (Google)
  • "sheryl crow" AND "herpes" (1 on Yahoo!, 1 on Google)
  • banana pants (Google)
  • pyromaniac pics of burning police car (Google)
  • tiffany+playboy+pictures+2005 (Google)
  • celebs with herpes (1 on Yahoo!, 1 on Dogpile) note: there is a list of celebs with herpes in case you are interested right here (whether it is fact or not you can decide).
  • "please molest me" (Google)
  • boobs everywhere (Google)
  • dear abby Iraq grandma T-shirt (Google)
Now that is what the internet is for!

Thursday, April 7, 2005

It's About That Time

Jersey City, NJ
April 7, 2005

Wednesday, April 6, 2005

Eats on Wheels

Complain as I will about Jersey City, I have to say that the lunch options aren't as bad as I once believed. This recently discovered little gem called The Cafe Snack Truck (or as my co-workers and I like to refer to it as, The Burger Bus) is one of my new favorites. Located at Harborside Financial Center in Parqueado Plaza 10, it is a RV chock full of sustenance.

Before you even get your order going you can see that it will be good with just a simple glance at the back panel. Any vehicle with an illustration of a lady hot dog saying "Bite Me" has gotta be good. No?

You've got Maribez and Willy behind the counter. Maribez is mostly out of view whipping up the eats, while Willy takes the orders, then helps with some prepping and then packages everything up and collects the money. Willy is probably the friendliest guy in all of Jersey City and keeps his prices economical (i.e. bacon, egg and cheese on a roll = $2.50; hot dog = $1.00; bacon cheese burger = $4.00). Not just economical either. That dynamic duo whips up some tasty eatin'. There's a big fat menu of options and the proximity of riverside lunching can't really be beat. If you find yourself hungary in J.C. someday I suggest checking it out.

Ironically enough, despite being a cafe on wheels, The Cafe Snack Truck serves via pick ups only. No delivery. Take that for ironic, Alanis Morissette!

Monday, April 4, 2005


They may demolish interiors like nobody's business, but their spelling of Brooklyn ain't so hot ...

Corner of Grand Street & Crosby Street
New York, NY

Friday, April 1, 2005

Bawk Bawk

The poultry industry mourns.
Chickens everywhere rejoice.

Frank Perdue
1920 - 2005

"It takes a tough man to raise a tender chicken."

Celebs Get That Stuff?

The other day someone got here by searching sheryl crow herpes on Google. No confirmation as of yet if the searcher was Lance Armstrong.

Lance or not, whoever you are, don't worry about it. Practically everybody has herpes these days. Whether Sheryl has 'em or not you're just going to have to deal with it.