It Always Goes Back To The Basics

A friend of mine is having a 30th birthday party this summer. My friend AP (the one whose knee I may or may not have destroyed) e-mailed me last week to see if I was planning on going and what the date was. This of course, got off the subject in a hurry:

From: AP
To: WJR
Time: 2:30
When was WD planning a party for TD? What's the date?

From: WJR
To: AP
Time: 2:35 PM
I think it is in July, but I am going to have to check my calendar when I get home.

From: WJR
To: AP
Time: 2:37 PM
Boo-ya! I found it. [date inserted here, 2006]

From: AP
To: WJR
Time: 3:42 PM
do you plan on heading up for this?

From: WJR
To: AP
Time: 3:43 PM
I do. I am going to act like I am 20 all over again (and possibly kick Tom's cat a couple of times too).

From: AP
To: WJR
Time: 3:47 PM
Will you take a wiz out the third floor window?

From: WJR
To: AP
Time: 3:49 PM
I will if instigated. I am also hoping to sleep in the backyard.

From: AP
To: WJR
Time: 3:54 PM
If instigated? I don't remember a 20 year old WJR needing much pushing or incentive to piss out the window. As a matter of fact, you did it with glee and reckless abandon with childlike wonderment.

From: WJR
To: AP
Time: 4:00 PM
You are correct. Consider it done. Nothing beats high elevation urination. I was just thinking about how if I were one of the people that got stuck in that Roosevelt Island tram the other night I would have been pissing out the window as often as possible. Urine at 250 feet has gotta be good.

From: AP
To: WJR
Time: 4:06 PM
I was thinking the same thing as I was watching the live coverage that night. I admit that I wouldn't have been watching it had anything of interest been on. But, I stopped on Channel 7 with a live shot from their chopper. I wondered aloud what a piss stream would look like from that angle and if they'd dump right into a commercial.

I was waiting for some big fat welfare mom to stick her gigantic tukus out the window to take a dump. No such luck.

From: WJR
To: AP
Time: 4:14 PM
Did nobody bring up the bathroom situation? I heard someone mention that a little kid peed in a cup, but that was it. I have days where if I were delayed in my commute I would probably pee and/or shit my pants. There had to be someone like me on there.

From: AP
To: WJR
Time: 5:06 PM
I don't think anybody is as focused on bodily functions as we are.

I was flying home from someplace a couple of weeks ago when I got up to pee about three times in one hour because I had two pints in the bar before boarding. At my last visit, I heard an elderly woman say to her flying-mate, "I don't know, maybe he goes to the bathroom so much to snort drugs." I told her to mind her own fucking business or I'd flush her head down the vacuum toilet. Well, I didn't really say that. I just thought it would be cool if I did.

From: WJR
To: AP
Time: 5:20 PM
I wish you had said that. Or offered her some drugs. Or offered a ticket to the mile-high club.

Old bitch.