Two Letters

I know Abigail Van Buren aka Dear Abby is now 86, and 86-year-old ladies are supposed to be sensitive, wise and nice. Nevertheless I wish she would tell some people to "fuck off" once in awhile.

Here is a letter from her column this week:

DEAR ABBY: My son, "Adam," came home from Iraq for a two-week visit. He brought with him some T-shirts for his father, his sister and me. They were last-minute purchases. Now my mother is furious that she didn't get a souvenir from Iraq.

Our extended family is huge, and Adam didn't have room to bring something for everyone. No one else in the family is upset about it. They're just glad he came home healthy and safe.

My mother complained to her sister, "Irene," and Aunt Irene sent Adam a card in Iraq ordering him to send my mother something. It upset him because he barely knows Aunt Irene.

When I defended my son, Mother said: "I am the grandmother. I should have gotten something." I told her no one expected anything from him.

Is she being unreasonable or am I? Adam is furious that this nonsense is going on while he's risking his life in Baghdad. I will forward your response to him. -- PROUD MOM IN OHIO

Here is Abby's response:

DEAR PROUD MOM: Please tell Adam that he is in my thoughts and prayers for his safe return from a dangerous tour of duty -- which his grandmother apparently has confused with a sightseeing tour. Your son doesn't owe anyone a gift. His gift to the family will be his safe return.

Here's what I wish she said:

DEAR PROUD MOM:
I can't believe your son even brought home T-shirts. The kid was over in stinky Iraq with people plotting to suicide bomb his ass, shooting at him and worse, yet he thought to bring something to his family? That's pretty nice. Also, I have a hard time believing there are T-shirts in Iraq to buy. What do they say on them?

Baghdad, Iraq 12631

or

My son fought for freedom in Iraq and all I got was this lousy T-shirt

Anyway, tell your son to send a proper gift to grandma. I suggest not even waiting for his next visit home. He should pack up and mail something really Iraq. A real souvenir, not some shitty T-shirt. Something like a camel spider, a leg blown off by a landmine or perhaps the charred human ribs of a suicide bomber. "Adam" might also want to take a shit in a poster tube and mail it to Aunt "Irene" so she doesn't feel left out of the souvenir handout. What a bunch of assholes you have in your family!

Tell "Adam" I am proud of him and to be safe out there.

PS The fact that you had to write to get verification that your mother and her sister are in the wrong concerns me as well. Please slap yourself. Harder. And again.