To ______ ...

... with love.

On this Valentine's Day and the day following the Super Bowl of music award shows, I'd like to steal a little page out of Craig Kilborn's book of tricks called To ____ With Love to express my feelings towards the GRAMMY Awards.

To the GRAMMY producers with love: That opening sequence was a bit overboard. You started the whole show with a finale. That's when you lost me to The Simpsons.

To Jamie Fox with love: You're not actually Ray Charles

To JLo and Marc Anthony with love: You sound like shit and your marriage makes me a little sick to my stomach. Oh, and your performance sucked too.

To the GRAMMY rule makers/decision makers with love: Maroon 5 should not be winning for "new artist". Their first major label album was released in 2002.

To Kanye West, Alicia Keys and Green Day with love: Thanks for saving the show.

To Joss Stone with love: I'm not a big Janis Joplin fan, but you make it her stuff a bit more tolerable.

To the lighting guy with love: Ease up on the strobe lights. I was on the verge of a seizure for the majority of the show.

To Loretta Lynn & Jack White with love: Whatever is going on between you is creepy. Please stop.

To the "helping the world" supergroup with love: The "Across the Universe" Tsunami relief jamboree was embarrassing. I think you could have raised more money if you started playing and said you would stop when a certain amount of money was raised. I would have thrown some cash your way with the quickness just for ear comfort.

To retarded voters with love: Not that it was presented during the show, but I did notice on the bottom of the screen mention that Britney Spears won for Best Dance Recording. Better than Basement Jaxx or the Chemical Brothers? It's not like Britney wrote anything she performed. Good grief.

To Lance Armstrong & Sheryl Crow with love: Sheryl, that dress and your comments about it being make from Lance's yellow jerseys may have been a bit unnecessary, but when you are probably the hottest 43 year old out there (actually, you're hotter than most ladies 10 years younger too) you can do what you want. Lance, you look awkward, almost guilty when you are hanging with Sheryl. Enjoy yourself man, things ain't so bad.

To academy president Neil Portnow with love: Do you think anyone was buying into your speech about how helpful and caring musicians are and how illegal downloading stealing from them? Something stinks ... it's you!

Happy Valentine's Day everybody. I hope it treats you well (except you Neil Portnow, and while I'm thinking about it, you too Bono).